Becoming writer


*This was written a week before being here but it sounds nice so I’m leaving it*
I have a strong feeling when I return I’ll be coming back with a much more positive mindset. I have one of those feelings that I had before summer of reluctant and nervous excitement. I noticed that my body naturally rejects change when I know that it’s coming. This is something that is so obviously in the cards for me. The way it came up for me was a complete surprise and so I know that this is something for me. I am excited. I am ready and I am also hella nervous!

All that being said. Here is the post for today. lol.

Writing has been a constant to me all throughout my life and I never noticed it. It’s been one of those things that charmingly snuck up on me.

My mom gave me a journal at a very young age and told me to write out my thoughts and dreams onto it and so, I did. I wrote all about my days and experiences as a young child and I can honestly say that I have no remnants of my childhood thoughts and I wish I did. I know how much I wrote about boys I liked. I distinctly remembered having pros and cons list for the boys I liked and I obviously wrote about my day and whoever upset me that day or week. Many of my childhood journals have been scavenged through and thrown out.

I also remember writing stories. All throughout my life, I’ve had a very vivid imagination. Paying attention in class is so hard when you have the amazing stories in my head my dreams are also hella dope. They’re so complex and I love it. My most recent dream had a dog in it that can turn black and white at will. He was so cute. About 1 years old and I was so determined to adopt him, I’m hoping to adopt a pup when I return from London.

Okay but back to my imagination, I have a deep love of writing because I daydream so hard with so many crazy and vivid things and I’d like to share the things on my mind. It excites me so much when I write and weave in my thoughts and visions of the world. I feel like I’m droning off…

All of this came to mind because Neil Gaiman came to speak at my school and if you don’t know already, he is an author or American Gods, Coraline, Sandman, etc. I honestly wasn’t too excited when I heard he was coming, I’ve never read anything of his but I knew his name. I only went because my teacher offered us extra credit. I was pleasantly surprised when I got this feeling; it’s a feeling that I felt before when reading Afterworlds by Scott Westerfield. It wasn’t the best but I do enjoy reading and learning about the background of being a writer. The moments that writers share together, bonding over their own creativity and growing and learning new things together. I enjoy that support and getting advice from other writers.

Neil Gaiman told us writers in the crowd that every and anything can be mythic and that we can create an entire world or new creation by the most mundane of things. I mean, obviously but sometimes it’s just good to hear it again. To be reminded of the power to see the world differently. I really enjoyed that now that I’ here in London, I am hoping to find things to add into my stories. I’ve also been seeing characteristics within the people around me that I want to incorporate into my writing. I feel like my eyes have been opened.

He also said to just write; if you don’t write then you have nothing to edit and nothing to offer so just continuing writing will only help me grow.

I really want to be in an environment of writers and also writers of color where I can hear their stories and how they overcome their own struggles within their own writing. I feel like it will be so helpful if I were in that environment.

It also made me realize my dislike with critically analyzing literature as I’m doing now in school. I’m almost finished with my degree and I do want to further my education in writing afterwards. I just need to push through it all and I know it will be rewarding when I finally walk across that damn stage and get that paper.

I just want to carry on writing until then. If you are a writer, you now know what I’m looking for and please, feel free to contact me. I’m trying to reach out and find my crowd. I am really excited about this.

My advice for this week is to follow your dreams and your heart and stop caring about the thoughts and feelings of other people because everything is temporary. Life is too short to care about the thoughts and feelings of those who are temporary. Just take in the positivity that comes your way and try to give the same back. Mind your business and keep it pushing. Be impulsive and take risks towards your greater goal. Everyone has their own journey so jsut focus on your own.


Going beyond your limits

Hello, I am writing to you in the absolute dark of my dorm room because I am basking in my solitude today.

I’ve spent the last week wondering what kind of blog I should write up and I’ve been completely stumped. I refuse to have one more week of not posting so I’ll just let you know what’s been going on.

I told you all about my anxieties, I’ve been hoping that it would calm down after having one of my biggest stressors gone but then I noticed the anxieties I felt in class. That’s when I knew it’s something to focus on. I don’t want to yap about anxiety. I do just want to say that I’ve dealt with so much on my plate and I’ve just received so much more.

With all that is going on, I do want to express my victories.

I use grounding objects, my 4 crystals, two rose quartz, amethyst, and citrine. I carry them with me always so that I know I can focus on what is around me because of the positive energies in my pocket. It’s a comfort and easy to play with.

I’ve been doing yoga and meditation/breathing techniques to get my body calm in situations.

I’ve been transparent with my friends and teachers instead of holding all of my negativity within myself.

I’ve cried. This may not be big for many people but I am not a crier at all and boy did I have a great ol’ sob with my roommates. I woke up with a sore body and a puffy face.

I chose not to drown myself in my sorrows. I instead made sure I did my work and I’ve also been trying to put my energy into being creative. I spent most of my “stay in bed” day working on giving my YouTube channel a new look.

I’ve been trying to manage my negative thoughts and feelings. I know I get waves of jealousy when looking at other people’s success or lives and then I check in with myself and say “it’s just not your time yet.” Everything will come to you at the speed that is good for you.

I noticed how great my friends and family are and I acknowledge that not everyone can give me the care that is specific to me because they can only support me with what they can give. I just value those who can give me what I need and those who try to give me what they can. What else can I ask for?

I noticed how much I’d love to have a companion during this time and because of this, I’ve decided to get a dog after my trip to London.

I am proud of the growth that I am experiencing. I know that there is still more growth to come and I am ready for it. This is my year for growing and mastering. I will continue to understand myself and my needs and to give out the love and support that I get from others.

I hope you all enjoyed.

This week, I decided to invest in Audible because I want to properly own the Harry Potter audiobooks. When I get like this, they are a huge comfort.

I was also able to begin rereading the Throne of Glass series by Sarah J. Maas who which is my second favorite book series. The writing is beautiful and it’s about a female assassin who loves to read, loves to love and has a puppy! Honestly, she is me if I were white, blonde, Fae, and an assassin. I love her so much. The final book in the series comes out this year and I am so shook.  I’m on the second book Crown of Midnight! HOW DARE IT END!

Young, Black and Anxious

Hello, all!

So, I enjoy writing and discussing my mental health because there is a huge taboo that is placed on it. People get scared or worry about what others may think when it comes to discussing what is going on in their lives. I am not that person though, I went through years of silently struggling and not understanding what was going on me and because of that, I refuse to not talk about the stresses of my life. I feel like discussing mental health issues not only helps me but it can help other people who are feeling what I’m feeling or going through a similar experience. I am striving to help others and myself when I write these posts. I just want you all to know that while discussing all this. I will continue to make moves in understanding myself and ensuring that I have a happy and successful life. That being said…

I skipped a week of blogging because I had a lot going on that made me very anxious. I spent most days feeling anxious and then I had panic attacks in class. It was horrible. I never qualified myself as a person with anxiety because I compared my experience to other people and figured that since I wasn’t like that person, then I did not have it at all. I knew that I felt anxiety sometimes but it was never frequent.

However, in the last two weeks, I had anxiety or panic attacks almost every day. Sometimes, I thought it was asthma because I felt it in my chest but then I noticed I felt this jittery energy going through my arms and to my hands and I started shaking. I felt this in class most times and I was too afraid to move. I had battles with myself about whether or not I should stay in class, feeling like I had an audience to all of my anxiety or force myself up. My stress was that everyone would watch me go and that the teachers would not only note how silent I was in class but also that I got up in their class.

I found myself trying to jot down everything that could be causing it and breathing deeply but nothing helped until I finally left the room and sat down outside. I’d call or text someone close to me and go on social media to help me calm down. I either sat still and breathed or walked around the floor trying to grasp at my things of comfort like Doctor Who, Harry Potter, music, The Raven Cycle or another book to read.

After my first panic attack in class, I texted my roommates while I was out and one of them called the counseling center on campus and made me an appointment. When I went, the woman calmed me down and told me that there was an anxiety group on campus and said that I should join. This group gives tools to practice to calm anxiety and to better manage it. I started going and it has been great. I know what started the anxiety for me and now that my concerns have passed, I hope to be able to handle things better. I was behind in my work and started getting really impulsive while trying to calm whatever was boiling inside me.

Throughout my anxious moments, I kept thinking about being a black woman with anxiety. I had a teacher who picked on me simply because he thought I had an attitude and didn’t do the reading when in reality, I was sitting there trying to keep still my shaking hands and firmly holding crystals, praying they’d ground me. Hoping that they’d steady me and that my teacher would not choose me. I vocalized my anxiety with my teachers because otherwise, it’s perceived as rude.

I’ve heard so many stories from anxious black girls who tried so hard to hold in those anxious feelings because everyone will see you as a “man black woman”, the black girl with an attitude. It’s so destructive having to hold in those feelings. Holding in those feelings is what brings up anxiety again.

As a black girl, I spent so long holding things in that I don’t even notice it. For the first few panic attacks, I didn’t even know why it was happening. I thought it was just a freak moment because all the crazy things that happened to me wasn’t affecting me. I just kept taking hits and thinking nothing was hitting me and then I just started feeling it all.

The experience really makes me want to move forward being more positive. I want to be softer on myself because I would get annoyed with myself for all the anxiety I was feeling. I’m going to keep going to therapy and going to my anxiety group. I started a bullet journal to keep me focused and I’ve gained a new approach to the story I’ve been writing for the past 3-4 years. Lol. I’m feeling pretty optimistic. I’m still nervous about it happening again. I will implement all that I’ve been learning about myself and what my body needs. I stopped drinking to help me process things better. I feel like, during this time, I need a clear head so that I don’t fall farther down the hole.

Thanks for reading!

Recommendations are:

I wrote this post while bumping into this fucking gem. I can’t wait to watch Black Panther this weekend! Fuck yes

2. The Diviners by Libba Bray. It’s about the occult. It’s all about that spooky paranormal business while also uncovering a mystery! It’s so well written. I’m already ready to read book 2 and 3. SOOO GOOD!

My Birth Control Story

Hello, loves.

*I don’t want this to be a Birth Control horror story, the pill definitely helps me get through my everyday life because otherwise, I’d be miserable every day. I just want to tell my journey and you all can make your choices as you go along.*

This is a post that I’ve wanted to do for a long while because it’s so important to me. Cramps have obviously been something that I’ve been dealing with for years. Most of the times, my cramps were fine but there were some months where I’d throw up before school or damn near faint in the train. It was horrible because I didn’t really know what was happening to me. I’d just feel horrible one day and I hated it.

But about two years ago, I decided to try out birth control again. I’ve tried the shot and hated it because my hormones were crazy. I had no period for two months then a period for an entire month. I hated it so much. I tried the nuva ring and that was just weird. I have a friend who lost it in her vagina. Hell. No. I finally decided that getting an IUD would be the best choice because it’s long lasting. So, in August before going away to school, I got it.

And it was fucking horrible. Here is a video of how it was after. It’s a long story but the short version is, I almost fucking fainted.

Anyways, it’s expected that three months into having it, you will have cramps and discomfort. I was prescribed naproxen. Like hella strong ones. I had months of insane cramps and every doctor told me that they were normal one of them gave me the pill because I started bleeding and I wasn’t supposed to be bleeding with the IUD. She gave me Azurette which is a combination pill with progestin and estrogen to stop the bleeding. I continued taking the pill because it was supposed to help.

I had the worst cramps last year in January where I literally couldn’t get up from the floor. My friend had to come and get me off the floor. That night, I scheduled an appointment at Planned Parenthood to get it out. I was still on the Azurette pill so I decided to continue taking those.

Even after the IUD was taking out, I still had horrible cramps and after a while, I changed my pill to Amethyst which is a pill that stops the period. I have cramps before during and after my period now. It’s not a constant thing where every single day I get there but there are some weeks where I get cramps every day and take painkillers to calm them down.

The reason I’m so determined now to make this post is that the last week of December, I slipped up with the pill. I couldn’t get the next pack of pills because of some confusion that I won’t get into. With that, I thought about being off the pill and seeing how things would be without it. Before I tried it, I decided to try the Patch. I tried it for a week and said: “fuck it”.

I was off all birth control for like two weeks and then I had my period and it was horrible. I wanted to punch everyone and lay in bed with my heating pad and to be drugged the fuck up. The first day I knew I was going right back on the pill.

Personally, periods are not for me. Sometimes I miss it because I love being a woman. Plain and simple but I hate that for me, it’s not consistent. One day its normal and the next, I can’t get out of bed. my days are far too busy for me to stop doing things for a week. Plus, NO PREGNANCY!

I can hardly afford my damn self. I definitely don’t want a child too. That is not for me rn. I’ll definitely have a dog first!

Let me know how your journey was. I’m curious. IUD works fine for my sisters but it was the worst for me. Granted, she is a mother so maybe that’s why.

I will be making weekly vlogs in February so keep a look out!

See ya!

Change is coming!

Hello, lovelies!

I am back at school and let me tell you, this semester is going to be wild. I have either work or school every day and along with that, I am the co-president of Cheese Club still and I need to figure out how to manage it all.

In order to get myself through this semester without a panic attack or immense depression, I have a list of things that I plan on sticking to help me going. I wanted to share it because I need to be held accountable when I slip up. I’m starting all this starting February 1st. So, let’s do this! I definitely recommend creating your own because I plan on really challenging myself. I’m finna bloom!

1. Start saying “you’re welcome”. I know that it sounds weird but I was talking to my manager who is in his 40’s or 50’s and he told me how weird it is that us young people say “no problem” instead. It was bizarre because I was so compelled to just say “no problem”. Now I want to just say “you’re welcome” because why the fuck won’t I just say it?

2. I want to continue doing mindful things like going to therapy. I’ve been slacking and I know it’s good for me. I want to do meditations and although I’m taking a yoga class, I want to practice some while I’m out of class. I want to journal. I’m actually good at doing that sometimes because while in class, I just aimlessly write instead of taking notes… SOMETIMES!

3. I want to show my love and gratitude to all of my friends and family. I want to be more expressive with my thoughts and feelings.

4. Here is the pile of big stuff. I want to eat less sugar, have more fruits and veggies. I want to cook more and stop eating out as much. I want to cook healthier foods. I want to go to the gym or start jogging, go to the library and do my homework at the right times, instead of midnight before class. Along with healthy, I typically get allergy shots because my allergies are shit but I stopped going last semester and I’d love to go back so that my allergies are better.

4. I want to get my license. This is a continuous list, not just for the month of February so I can get it done. I want to learn French and Spanish. And… I seriously need to start saving. I’m going to London soon and I’m getting a dog soon and responsibilities cost money!

5. Last but not least, less alcohol! I work on Fridays so I can’t get super drunk. I want to get back to taking birth control. I’m gonna blog about that experience later this week! And I want to do my facials and deep conditioners. I want to always feel pride in how I look when I go out. I want to go out every day looking and feeling good af!

I want to make big changes this year because I feel like the way I’ve been going about things isn’t helping. Laying in bed and choosing to veg out instead of going to the gym. Ignoring healthier and beneficial choices for no reason at all. I want to be better and do better. I want to reach out to people that I want to talk to. I want to be a more open and a healthier person. I’m gonna get there. I know I may slip up but that’s fine too.

If you want to create your own list, I’m so open to it. Please share it with me!!

My recommendation of the week is The Greatest Showman. I am inspired and I’m in love. I’ve been listening to the soundtrack ever since. It’s so fucking good!

Lessons Learned at Twenty-Two

Hello, All!

So, if you don’t know already, I just turned Twenty-Two. I spent my birthday relaxing because I had a feeling that this year was the year to relax and do nothing. I thought about doing what typical 22-year-olds would do and planned to go out with my cousins on their MLK museum adventures but at the last second, I decided to just relax. I stayed in and had many questions thrown at me about why I wasn’t going out on my birthday. I had already celebrated my birthday with both friends and family before my birthday so I had no other obligations but to myself.

A few days prior to my birthday, I had a big long cry because of what I’ve honestly been calling it, a heartbreak. I had an issue with a friend who is very dear to me and I thought that nothing would be the same again and so I had a weekend just feeling bad for myself and holding in tears at work. I tried to turn to every single friend I had and my co-workers asking them how to deal with what I’m feeling and everything they said to me just didn’t feel right.

No one knew the relationship I was in. They didn’t share the moments that I shared with that friend. Everyone I told immediately said, well, who needs that relationship anyway. Fuck them! You deserve better! And so on, the whole empowering speech. Though I did enjoy the hugs they gave me, the words just made me feel worse. Like I’d never be able to be around them or act positively because of the hurt I felt in that moment. Everything they said to me was so negative and I knew did not want that.

When opening up to my friends about what was going on made me realize that:

1. I want to be a more positive person. I want to handle my problems with thoughtfulness and positivity instead of quickly turning into negativity. I’ve had years of being someone who went to yelling and cursing before thinking and crying.

I mean, it could alter from person to person but I feel like there are parts of everyone where you can understand their actions, understanding why they acted the way they did. I think there is power in not looking into the dark places in everyone and instead choosing to think more open. Obviously, after acknowledging your own feelings. Because yourself comes first!

2. EVERYONE has an experience that is similar to yours. That’s how we can so easily sympathize with being mad at a parent or heartbreak. We have our own personal reference. We all go through similar situations but we don’t acknowledge that everything is not the same.

When discussing my situation with my friends, everyone sympathized with what I was saying and dolled out their advice because they’ve been through a heartbreak before and of course, heartbreak has gone one way for them and so, heartbreak will appear for me in the same way. Just because someone’s hurt or experience sounds the same, doesn’t mean there aren’t other factors tied into that experience. Every situation is different and so, you’ve got to act accordingly.

With this one situation that I went through, I’ve learned so much. Anyone who has dealt with a heartbreak will advise you to handle yours how they went through theirs. I turned back and had a conversation with my friend and now we’re fine and when I let my friends know that I was actually okay and not a sobbing mess. They were so confused. They said I was stupid and fuck, I could be but I decided to speak about what was going on with me. I had a good conversation and I’m okay now. The bafflement and confusion is prevalent in all of my friends but I’m totally good.

We tend to project our situations and feel personally offended by our friend’s life choices. It’s our way of “protecting them” I’m a victim of that too. I have a friend who has a boyfriend and he acts dumb as hell every now and then. I know my friend is gorgeous and so damn smart and can get any man she wants but she chooses to be with him because they have great communication and he supports and encourages her and her dreams. From the outside looking in, most times, he is horrible. But from in their relationship, she is satisfied.

This situation has made me realize that I should chill with crying on everyone’s shoulder. Not because they did anything wrong, fuck, it’s in our nature, but because I want to be able to solve my own situations with my own intuition. I also don’t want my friends disliking the people I keep in my circle.

Everyone and their mother can tell you how to show up in your own life. You’ve got to start acting like your life is yours. Wait, let me reframe, I want to start acting like my life is mine. I have the power to keep the people in my life that make me happy, to accomplish any dream and to remain as open an positive as I want to be. I make my own choices. This week made me really realize that my life is totally in my own hands. I am powerful!

Side-note: I’m currently listening to “You Are A Badass at Making Money” by Jen Sincero. I love her and I love her books. They inspire me so much and make me feel so powerful. Today, i want to go get a Brazilian wax because, I love them and i was expecting to spend about $40 today but when I got to the register and asked you use my $5 birthday discount, she said that I had about $33 as rewards because for years, I made appointments online and you get point when you do that. I spent $6 on my wax so I could afford to give the woman a nicer tip than usual. I was so happy. I started getting all my free birthing stuff. Like my ice cream and moisturizer from Sephora. Today has been a great day.

I am standing in myself and my truth and I’m just empowering my damn self!

Images of Love


Hello all!

I hope all is well!

For the past few months, I’ve been in this huge mindset of wondering what love is. I’ve had conversations and discussions with people who have been in love, fell out of it and never experienced it. It’s made me want to figure out what love is for myself. I checked out some horoscope stuff that said that I was expected to be in a relationship with someone at the end of 2017.

I feel like the energies around me are directing me to the love that I’ve been desiring. A love filled with admiration, support, and thorough commitment. long with other things. These past few months, I’ve been trying to see what love is because I haven’t experienced it. I kept seeing all these visions of love, these expressions led me to imagine what it could be. I wanted to share it with you all because they’re all amazing!

Nathan Zed’s Good Enough playlists, he expressed the stages of love through music playlists.The titles have the Spotify playlist. The apple playlist is the following highlighted word. My favorite was the first, Honey. The beginnings of love, the honeymoon stage where everything is new and special. Screen Shot 2018-01-11 at 12.52.05 PM.pngThorns– the difficulties
Spiral– the… spiral
Bloom– knowing you’re good enough

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Easy on Netflix, this series shows loads of different romantic relationships in different stages of love and how they handle their romantic situations. My favorite was the lesbian couple. No spoilers.
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Friends from College on Netflix, about… friends from college. Lol. they’re all in relationships with each other or different partners and incorporating their lives in college with their lives now. They all just moved into the same area so they are bringing the gang back together. I really liked watching it because it made me wonder, “what if”.
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She’s Gotta Have It on Netflix, Fuck, I love me some Nola Darling. My sweet polyamorous queen! If you haven’t seen it already, WHY? She is an artist who is trying to make it on her own. She has three lovers, with wildly different personalities. They all are for her in their own ways and she is just trying to live her best life. It’s a remake of one of Spike Lee’s films and he is also the producer. He is so amazing and so is this TV show!
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This modern love by Will Darbyshire, this book is a collection of stories or poems of love from the experience of people all around the world. This book took so long to get through because it starts with crushes, then being in the relationship then breaking up. I enjoyed the crushes because it’s what I’ve experienced. I’ve experienced crushes from afar and crushes from up close? (lol, what?) but when it came to the parts of being in love, I just couldn’t fully read it. It was so sweet and while reading it, I started craving that for myself and, I just don’t know how to get there. I think the reason why is because the ending of a relationship is so scary. People can fall out of love or cheat or lie. How do people handle that? I still don’t get it.

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The Holiday, the movie, I chose this because one of the main characters had a hard time crying and opening up just as I do. Also, the stand apart moment was the fact that she never said that she loved the guy back! That still bothers me. Don’t you say it back? It hurts enough loving someone and not saying anything but if you say it and they don’t say it back, doesn’t that hurt?

Saying the word love. When do you say it?

For someone who hasn’t been in a relationship since I was like 12. I wonder what it would be like to be in love. To be loved. To have moments with someone and feel validated in the love that we share. I want to know how that feels. It’s one of my deepest desires. I hope that my year is filled with romantic love. I hope it’s filled with smiles from across a room, holding hands with someone, cuddles in bed, FaceTiming. I have my own ideas of what love could be but I want to know for sure what love is. I want nothing more than to be able to feel that romantic love.
I’m excited and scared but I’m ready.