When I think about it, this has happened before. I was depressed in high school after that break up that I thought would shatter the earth. I thought, how could anyone else love me like that. That guy was my soul mate. I was 14 or 15 and I remember spending most of the time that I wasn’t in school, in my room binge-watching a bunch of TV shows. I didn’t really know what it was. The support that I got from my classmates in middle school, the people that I thought were my friends forever. They were all gone and I had to meet new people and recreate bonds. It was scary and I just resorted to what was comfortable. It’s easy to go outside and smile and put on this show that you’re happy and everything is great at home and in your personal life. It’s so easy to avoid all that is bothering. It reminds me of when I’m sick. Coughing and sneezing and my stomach are killing me. My family never believes that I’m actually sick because I’m still smiling and playing and not in bed complaining about all that ails me. I guess it’s a habit of mine now. To keep shit in.
When depression came around this December, I’ll admit that I didn’t really notice it. I just thought I was irritated but soon, I didn’t want to go out. I had so much time turning off my phone and avoiding the world. I remember my computer broke and I was just numb. It didn’t bother me that I had to spend $400 that I didn’t have to fix something that I myself didn’t break. I simply didn’t care at all. I even went on vacation and I really tried my best to focus on enjoying it. To focus on being in London, the place I’ve been wanting to visit since I was 10. I found some joy but I definitely remember my feeling of numbness. I simply didn’t care about anything at all. It wasn’t until I visited my doctor that it came tony awareness that I was depressed. She said I was severely depressed. I started trying to take measures to better health. It’s been a slippery road, it’s been since February. I did some exercises, I ate healthier (I definitely failed with that but I’m trying again). Along with depression, I was convinced I needed to figure out my next moves immediately. It was incredibly difficult because once again, I didn’t care. Finally, I have an acceptance into a college and need to make arrangements for a job. All I feel right now are waves of that sadness I felt a few months ago. It’s hard getting out of bed, I’m tired all the time. I went outside today and I really can’t wait to get back into my comfy and warm bed. I want to be happy and be excited about things but I just don’t feel it. I was going strong for a week or two and now I’m back at it again. It was a really good week or two. I remember smiling and being positive and getting shit done. Now I have that lack of motivation again. I have a therapist who I need to talk to and try and make things better for myself. I understand now that depression is a process. Everything is. Things take time, I need to start practicing patience. And do things at my own time.
Really, all I want to do its lay in my bed with all my covers with the lights off. Maybe someone cuddling me or alone. It could be silent or with the TV on. But geez. My bed, my broken bed that I hate is my comfort place right now. It’s all a work in progress.


Opinion on Drinking

Lately, consumption of alcohol has been on my mind. Being a child of two alcoholics, so many people feel like they need to tell you what and how to drink just so that I won’t be like them. I’ve grown to have my own opinion and my own relationship with drinking alcohol.

So, do you think it’s okay to drink when you’re stressed? I think that within that stressful time period, like when i was depressed for 3 months earlier this year, I drank within that time. Not  get wasted and unable to function after drinking. Just two or three bottles of wine.

I know someone who has a strong opinion of drinking. She believes that no one should ever drink alcohol when you’re upset. Though, she does want to partake. She prides herself on not drinking and staying sober during her stressful times and shares that opinion to others.

Because of her opinion, I’ve been really thinking about my stance on drinking.

I feel that drinking is fine, I feel like I always will. My parent would finish an entire bottle of Hennessy in one day all by himself and have a couple beers along with it, then do the same the next day. Now having a glass of wine in the bath 3 times a week or putting some liquor in your OJ to go with dinner. Not getting wasted each night, just having that buzz is fine. It’s when you get reliant on that glass of alcohol to make you feel or make you fun when you start depending on it to make you forget or function. That’s when there is a problem. Even if one night that week, you choose to have two glasses of wine instead of one. It’s alright.

Everything is okay in moderation, as long as you’re hydrating and eating and remaining healthy. Not using alcohol to solve your problem. I feel like it’s okay. Even if you need to smoke a bit to calm your nerves. What you do if fine. just know your limits and realize when or if it gets accessive. If you crave that substance and refuse to do anything unless you’re under some influence. That’s when it should be taken seriously.

Don’t let fear stop you.

I’ve decided to write whatever and let it be raw. I hope to grow in my writing and videos and whatever I put my mind to. I promise myself not to let doubt stop me from doing what I want to do. I’ll practice. I’ll grow and become the best me I can be.

I let doubt stop me writing posting stories. Feel free to leave positive criticism. I’ll learn and become an even better writer.