When I think about it, this has happened before. I was depressed in high school after that break up that I thought would shatter the earth. I thought, how could anyone else love me like that. That guy was my soul mate. I was 14 or 15 and I remember spending most of the time that I wasn’t in school, in my room binge-watching a bunch of TV shows. I didn’t really know what it was. The support that I got from my classmates in middle school, the people that I thought were my friends forever. They were all gone and I had to meet new people and recreate bonds. It was scary and I just resorted to what was comfortable. It’s easy to go outside and smile and put on this show that you’re happy and everything is great at home and in your personal life. It’s so easy to avoid all that is bothering. It reminds me of when I’m sick. Coughing and sneezing and my stomach are killing me. My family never believes that I’m actually sick because I’m still smiling and playing and not in bed complaining about all that ails me. I guess it’s a habit of mine now. To keep shit in.
When depression came around this December, I’ll admit that I didn’t really notice it. I just thought I was irritated but soon, I didn’t want to go out. I had so much time turning off my phone and avoiding the world. I remember my computer broke and I was just numb. It didn’t bother me that I had to spend $400 that I didn’t have to fix something that I myself didn’t break. I simply didn’t care at all. I even went on vacation and I really tried my best to focus on enjoying it. To focus on being in London, the place I’ve been wanting to visit since I was 10. I found some joy but I definitely remember my feeling of numbness. I simply didn’t care about anything at all. It wasn’t until I visited my doctor that it came tony awareness that I was depressed. She said I was severely depressed. I started trying to take measures to better health. It’s been a slippery road, it’s been since February. I did some exercises, I ate healthier (I definitely failed with that but I’m trying again). Along with depression, I was convinced I needed to figure out my next moves immediately. It was incredibly difficult because once again, I didn’t care. Finally, I have an acceptance into a college and need to make arrangements for a job. All I feel right now are waves of that sadness I felt a few months ago. It’s hard getting out of bed, I’m tired all the time. I went outside today and I really can’t wait to get back into my comfy and warm bed. I want to be happy and be excited about things but I just don’t feel it. I was going strong for a week or two and now I’m back at it again. It was a really good week or two. I remember smiling and being positive and getting shit done. Now I have that lack of motivation again. I have a therapist who I need to talk to and try and make things better for myself. I understand now that depression is a process. Everything is. Things take time, I need to start practicing patience. And do things at my own time.
Really, all I want to do its lay in my bed with all my covers with the lights off. Maybe someone cuddling me or alone. It could be silent or with the TV on. But geez. My bed, my broken bed that I hate is my comfort place right now. It’s all a work in progress.

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