As the title says, it is 4 am on a Saturday night and I can’t sleep. It’s probably because I was up so late last night but now that I am up tonight, I keep thinking. Just bare with me for a bit, Okay?
So, I never stop discovering new things about myself. I am honestly in a constant state of confusion. Who am I? Why am I here? What is my passion? What will the future hold? Did I make a huge mistake? The questions go on and on and lately those questions have been circling in my head nonstop.
I took a chance when I came to school here at SUNY Purchase. One that I do not regret. I’m happy with how things are here and the fact that I am filled with no regrets confuses me. If I didn’t drop out of school, I would’ve been even more depressed or on a bunch of anti-depressants. So, I’m happy I made that choice. I’m also happy that I followed my sister’s advice on applying to schools. I don’t regret following the advice of someone close to me and applying to this school. I’m happy with all the choices made to get me here but I still have a part of me that feels… weird.
There is a piece of me that wonders if this was the right time for me to come here. If I came any other time, I wouldn’t have met Alex or Amanda or Aisha. The boys down the hall and everyone that I have come across in the past three months. I can’t imagine not being around them. Even though we still don’t know each other fully and deeply. I love having these people around me and coming home to them.
I am in a stage of my life this is a transition. Right now I am in a place where I am discovering another part of me. I feel like I am a cocooning myself with thoughts of a better me and desperate to already be that butterfly. My least favorite things about the period are the mistakes I’ve made. The laziness that I was so used to, I always half-ass the things that I do, I don’t give things my all and I hide being my stubbornness. Not really noticing that that is not how the world works and the world will not accept parts of me. The world needs to have me. My whole being. I close myself off from being the best and showing my all. I barricade myself because, why try at something if there is a chance of failure? Why give it your all if it won’t be enough?
That sort of thinking made me realize that if I gave myself away in everything I do. Just more effort, more of my spunk, love, energy. If I shared that part of me, I think I will go much farther than I am now. I want to learn how to do that. How to feel free enough to let it out. I think that being away from home has given me that freedom. The freedom to breathe a bit easier and to want to let myself be vulnerable.
I am now on a mission to be that person. To free myself. I know this journey will be rewarding.
Now let’s hope I can get some sleep.