Self-Harm

Hello,

Warning: This is a sensitive post and if you can’t handle the topic of self-harm. Don’t read. I am also writing from my POV and that doesn’t mean it should be compared to anyone else.

Since I am talking about depression, I thought it would be good to brush up on the topic of self-harm. There are many forms of self-harm and reasons why people self-harm that isn’t thought about. People who have never harmed themselves never really understand why.

I know because I was caught harming myself when I was younger. Cutting your arms was what some of the girls in my school did. It was our way of elevating the stress that we had. We all had a hard upbringing. When I saw that the other girls were cutting themselves, one night when I was upset I decided to do it. It was never deep because that scared me but it did make me feel better. As I grew up and talked to my therapists, I realized that my reason for self-harm is like hurting the person at fault. I self-blame and so I self-harm. Does that make sense? Like being mad at that girl in the street for stepping on your new shoes so you push her over. I would blame myself for getting yelled at my dad or being upset because of some stupid issue in school. Now, I mostly get mad at my financial issues. Not being able to afford school and having my parents working so hard to pay for me to go and be healthy and it hurts me that I can’t help them.

It’s not a good way to deal with frustration, I know but in the moment of being so upset, it feels good to have the release or that focus from being in such a shitty moment. I have never wanted to kill myself. NEVER. I want to live until I’m old and saggy and have people that I love around me, I want to see how the rest of my life turns out. I want to stress again that I have NEVER wanted to die. Self-harm does not always mean suicide, there are helpful ways to deal with it that I have never looked up until now and I will put it into practice. The rest of this post is gonna be a bunch of links and copied shit I think the information that I’m finding is more telling than what I can tell. I’m writing this so that people know that it’s a thing and not something to brush under the rug,

Here is a list of forms of self-harm its all from this site):

  • Scratching or pinching – this behavior included severely scratching or pinching with fingernails or objects to the point that bleeding occurred or marks remained on the skin. This method of self-injury was seen in more than half of all students who reported participating in self-harm.
  • Impact with objects – this self-harming behavior included banging or punching objects to the point of bruising or bleeding. This way to self-harm was seen in just over 37% of the self-harming students.
  • Cutting – while cutting is often considered synonymous with self-harm, this way of self-mutilation only occurred in just over 1-in-3 students who reported self-harming. Cutting is more common among females.
  • Impact on oneself – this self-injury method includes banging or punching oneself to the point of bruising or bleeding. This way to self-injury was seen in almost 25% of the students who reported self-harming behaviors.
  • Ripped skin – this way of self-mutilation includes ripping or tearing the skin. This type of self-injury was seen in just under 16% of those who admitted to self-harming behaviors.
  • Carving – this way of self-harm is when a person carves words or symbols into the skin. This is separate from cutting. This method of self-mutilation was identified by just under 15% of those who self-harm.
  • Interfering with healing – this way of self-mutilation is often in combination with other types of self-harm. In this case, a person purposefully hampers the healing of wounds. This method of self-harm was used by 13.5% of respondents.
  • Burning – Burning skin is a way of self-mutilation. Burning as a way of self-injury was seen in 12.9% of students who self-harmed.
  • Rubbing objects into the skin – this type of self-harm involves the rubbing of sharp objects, such as glass, into the skin. Twelve percent of responding students used this way to self-harm.
  • Hair-pulling – this way to self-harm is medically known as trichotillomania. In trichotillomania, a person feels compelled to pull out their own hair and in some cases even ingest that hair. This type of self-injury was seen in 11% of students who self-harmed.

Feel free to check out the links below.

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/anxiety/cutting-and-self-harm.htm

http://www.wikihow.com/Stop-Self-Harming

http://www.quickanddirtytips.com/health-fitness/mental-health/4-surprising-facts-about-cutting-and-self-harm

https://www.healthyplace.com/abuse/self-injury/how-to-stop-self-harm-self-injury-behaviors/

 

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What I ate this week 6.20 – 6.27

Hey. So, day 1 and I already forgot to take a picture. I got up this morning and did my makeup while listening to A Court of Wings and Fury by Sarah J. Maas. My breakfast was two eggs and 2 slices of turkey bacon. I did also have a slither of Patti LaBelle’s sweet potato pie. And Chobani cherry Greek yogurt. I am still tired even after sleeping from 11:30- 9:30 but now that I have a full face of makeup, I can’t go back to sleep.

For lunch, I had a grilled cheese with turkey and iced tea. Then a cheeky ice cream sandwich.

I got hungry a bit later and had leftover chicken tenders and honey mustard with yogurt and granola. I had two cups of tea because I feel like I’m getting sick as fuck.

Day 2:

Breakfast- Scrambled eggs, turkey bacon and an English muffin
Lunch- Hot Chocolate and a Grilled steak caesar salad
Dinner-English Muffin. yogurt, green smoothie and a granola bar (Lunch was filling)

Day 3:

Breakfast: Bacon, eggs and an English muffin w. Water
Lunch: Tuna melt w. Water & iced tea
Dinner: Went to the pool then had Talenti ice cream Butter Pecan and Cinnamon peach swirl. SO YUMMY! Then a turkey sandwich with tomato and lettuce.

Day 4: A Tuna Sandwich and ice cream sandwich. I think my breakfast was eggs and turkey bacon with an English muffin. I had an ice cream sandwich before my 4-hour drive back home. Dinner at home was baked salmon and asparagus (love asparagus)

Day 5: Salmon, string beans and curried mashed potatoes (wild yummy)

I remember nothing else. I stopped documenting my foods. I do know that I got fried catfish two days in a row because it’s so yummy but that’s all. This concludes my “what I ate in a week”. This was far too much responsibility and I will not be doing this again.

Liza Jet GIF - Liza Jet Ididit GIFs

Week One.

Howdy! So, I am trying to start working on managing my depression better. I’m trying to help myself out by blogging and staying up to date about what’s happening to me. I did a whole explanation on how depression has affected me. See here.  And now I’m trying to stay on track.

I wanted to do weekly posts about what I ate in a week, which I will post tomorrow, but I can’t handle the responsibility of taking pictures of every meal I eat so, I will just loosely post what I had last week. I will say that I am on a full pescatarian diet now that I am back in Brooklyn and I hope this lasts long but it’s hard to find seafood in my house. I recently watched a big dying and being cooked on the Food network so, I won’t be eating meat.

Yesterday was my Super Doctor Day. I went to my Gynecologist where she said that I had s super yeast infection. Ha! Gross, right. It’s normal and a quick fix so shut the fuck up. I’ve waited so long to finally have one. I feel like I am a woman now. I am proud. Weirdly proud but my yeast meds say that I can’t drink booze so, I can’t properly celebrate this great news! My other doctor gave me a shit ton of info on Psychologist so I will soon be reaching out to someone who can help me really organize and focus and give me tips. I am really looking forward to it.

Today was a tricky day for me. I slowly got sadder and sadder, maybe because I was alone and probably also because I wanted to have a desk so that I could sit down and write, my father broke the legs of my desk while moving my shit back home and is refusing to fix and/or get me new legs. For me, it’s hard to write or edit videos if I don’t have a desk. I’m currently using my dresser drawer for support.

Anyways, I called my best friend and she is now keeping me company while I write.  Today has also been hard because I am realizing how horrible I am at crushing on people. I would fall so deeply in love with the illusion or my dream of who I wish my crush could be and when they start acting differently, I have a whole dramatic heartbreaking moment where I lay in bed constantly reminding myself that “It’s okay”. I care way too deeply about people. I also never tell my crushes that I like them and am never forward with any of my actions because… I’m afraid that they don’t like me back… when will I find love? I need to understand this whole dating thing.

“You never know what’s gonna happen but you can ask for guidance”- Best friend Joe-Ann while I tell her about my crazy “signs” theory. I love her. Thank you.

Also, my friend Shelbie just graduated today and she is so amazing and talented and soon, she’ll have a podcast, which I will share. She is amazing and is going to college soon. Love you too, girl!

“Between the ages 18-24, you feel like the world revolves around you. You’re free and have no real responsibilities. It’s free. When you’re that age, you feel like you’re the sun and when you age, you realize you’re apart of the planets, you realize it’s not just you, there is so much more but in the age range, you’re discovering yourself. You’re exploring and being adventurous. This is a great time and we should live as free as we can”- Advice from my doctor, nurse practitioner

Also, read Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things by Jenny Lawson. This book is what made me want to document what was going on with me so that I can make a change and become happier. It’s so good and I reccomend it to anyone who is having a hard time with their mental health issues. Or just want a nice pick me up!

What makes me happy.

I figure I should start this off by talking about what makes me happy or what generally makes me happy. I love to read but I added so much pressure on myself when it comes to reading so when I do it, I’m happy but when I don’t finish it in time, I feel shitty.

I really like both the colors yellow and pink. I’ve always liked yellow, it’s the sunshine and it’s my aesthetic right now, give me everything yellow. I can’t even remember why I like pink but I see a nice warm pink and I fall in love.

Writing is hella therapeutic and so is making and editing videos. I love tea and hanging with family (even though they stress me out) and hanging out with my friends. I love finding and learning new things. Music makes me happy and finding dope new artists. I love the arts. All kinds of creativity, if I’m creating it or just enjoying it. I love Moments. Those moments that mean something, those pivotal moments in every relationship that you just feel is important. I love dogs and kids but honestly, sometimes Thye give me so much anxiety but I still love them. I FUCKING LOVE FOOD. I love eating it and cooking it and finding new recipes or new places to go. I love shopping and finding new journals and books. Dancing and sometimes, getting lost in the music and a crowd is amazing. I like rainy days indoors and knowing that people know me and know what I want without me saying anything.

I love my hair and black hair and black people and black media. Love tech and learning new tech. I love traveling and seeing all things new

I feel like I should chill now but key in all that you love and know that when you’re in need of a bit of joy, here is a list of backups. Little pick me ups.

Sometimes you gotta start small. Head out and buy yourself something new or go to that one place you always wanted to go to but never had the time or never dared to. New recipes, call a homie. Change things up, dude.

Super Depression.

Hey, so, I obviously have not been creating anything here and I’ve been wanting desperately to say why.

It’s taken me so long because when people talk about mental health issues, it gets seen as a weakness. I’ve tried to be open about this but I’ve been told that in order for me to have a future, I need to keep it quiet.

I’ve been dealing with depression and anxiety for what feels like all my life. I just never knew anything about mental health issues so I never pointed it out. Now, I’ve been told so many times that it was normal. Like, panicking about getting up on stage to read a poem at my family reunion. Stage fright is totally normal but the way my body reacted to the thought of speaking in front of my family. The panic and dread and thoughts of complete doom. I hated being social because I had so many what-ifs and the what-ifs lead to definitely thinking it could happen.

I don’t want to give a whole background of my life, I just want to say that depression, (a hint of anxiety, I get panic attacks but not often) has affected my life so much these past few years. It’s constant, chronic and I don’t even know what triggers it. I got to a really dark place last year, I hardly remember much of last years because I disassociated myself.

Last year, when I finally noticed that I was depressed, after going to doctors and them sending me to a psychologist and giving me antidepressants. I decided to change my life, to try to do things differently. I learned how to help depression without the pills. I tried giving myself a schedule and working out, eating right. I tried to give myself a healthier life to help with my head issues. I woke up and did yoga, ate a good breakfast, edited videos, got out of the house and read. It all went well for a while but the depression won. It wasn’t as dark as it was prior to my decision to change but it was still there.

During my first year away at school, midway through, I got into that dark pit again. I separated myself from everyone and tried seeking to counsel at school. The best therapist so far was one that I started talking to at the end of the last semester. She told me that I have a form of depression called Dysthymia (<Linksss). I was so happy to finally get some kind of feedback to something that has been bothering me for years.

I’ve gone to maybe five therapists, three professional ones starting from when I was like 14 and two from school (not that they aren’t professional). One of the professionals actually helped me after my father and I had our argument and I left. She helped me grow so much. The only other helpful one was the last one I saw at school. I’m really looking into finding a doctor to see this summer to help me out because, if you haven’t figured, I am in a shit hole atm and I am trying desperately to get out. I want to put myself on a more positive path. I am TRYING. I’ve decided to post about my developments. Writing always helps and I want to actually use this blog!

My Holy Moly Goalies!

Routine:
Skin Care and Hair Care (I’ll write out my routines and how they form. I gotta keep myself busy)

Daily routine:
I gotta get back to healthiness my body feels like it’s dying lately. I have the worst cramps for every period and I know that not eating meat helps A LOT but I keep eating it. I had fried chicken for lunch. My sinuses are terrible, less dairy which will be hard because I am the co-president of cheese club at school. I want my tummy to be flatter because it would just make me feel better. I love being thiccc I just want my stomach to be less… out there. I need my hair to grow and my skin to shine and to not be exhausted every day) symptom of depression but maybe good foods will help. Maybe I can do a weekly post on the foods I eat every week.

Get a fucking doctor who can prescribe me anti-depressants when I decide to take them, which I have been considering.

I wanna do yoga and take some fitness classes with friends. I want to walk more and build my stamina. Get bendier (better sex… that I am not having…… lol)

Yesterday, I was fucking determined to get this new life on track but today, all I did was lay around and eat. I didn’t even fucking brush my teeth. I am not saying that this is going to be easy but I do want to try. I want to get better. Join me if you want, I am so down with some solidarity. I was gonna create a nifty hashtag but… I just got uninterested so, I’m just gonna post. Ha, irony? Ducezzz.

Unedited and I’m just gonna post it. MUHAHAHAHA (I need to stop that)

BTW: I started Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things by Jenny Lawson today and let’s hope it benefits me!