Hey, so, I obviously have not been creating anything here and I’ve been wanting desperately to say why.
It’s taken me so long because when people talk about mental health issues, it gets seen as a weakness. I’ve tried to be open about this but I’ve been told that in order for me to have a future, I need to keep it quiet.
I’ve been dealing with depression and anxiety for what feels like all my life. I just never knew anything about mental health issues so I never pointed it out. Now, I’ve been told so many times that it was normal. Like, panicking about getting up on stage to read a poem at my family reunion. Stage fright is totally normal but the way my body reacted to the thought of speaking in front of my family. The panic and dread and thoughts of complete doom. I hated being social because I had so many what-ifs and the what-ifs lead to definitely thinking it could happen.
I don’t want to give a whole background of my life, I just want to say that depression, (a hint of anxiety, I get panic attacks but not often) has affected my life so much these past few years. It’s constant, chronic and I don’t even know what triggers it. I got to a really dark place last year, I hardly remember much of last years because I disassociated myself.
Last year, when I finally noticed that I was depressed, after going to doctors and them sending me to a psychologist and giving me antidepressants. I decided to change my life, to try to do things differently. I learned how to help depression without the pills. I tried giving myself a schedule and working out, eating right. I tried to give myself a healthier life to help with my head issues. I woke up and did yoga, ate a good breakfast, edited videos, got out of the house and read. It all went well for a while but the depression won. It wasn’t as dark as it was prior to my decision to change but it was still there.
During my first year away at school, midway through, I got into that dark pit again. I separated myself from everyone and tried seeking to counsel at school. The best therapist so far was one that I started talking to at the end of the last semester. She told me that I have a form of depression called Dysthymia (<Linksss). I was so happy to finally get some kind of feedback to something that has been bothering me for years.
I’ve gone to maybe five therapists, three professional ones starting from when I was like 14 and two from school (not that they aren’t professional). One of the professionals actually helped me after my father and I had our argument and I left. She helped me grow so much. The only other helpful one was the last one I saw at school. I’m really looking into finding a doctor to see this summer to help me out because, if you haven’t figured, I am in a shit hole atm and I am trying desperately to get out. I want to put myself on a more positive path. I am TRYING. I’ve decided to post about my developments. Writing always helps and I want to actually use this blog!
My Holy Moly Goalies!
Skin Care and Hair Care (I’ll write out my routines and how they form. I gotta keep myself busy)
I gotta get back to healthiness my body feels like it’s dying lately. I have the worst cramps for every period and I know that not eating meat helps A LOT but I keep eating it. I had fried chicken for lunch. My sinuses are terrible, less dairy which will be hard because I am the co-president of cheese club at school. I want my tummy to be flatter because it would just make me feel better. I love being thiccc I just want my stomach to be less… out there. I need my hair to grow and my skin to shine and to not be exhausted every day) symptom of depression but maybe good foods will help. Maybe I can do a weekly post on the foods I eat every week.
Get a fucking doctor who can prescribe me anti-depressants when I decide to take them, which I have been considering.
I wanna do yoga and take some fitness classes with friends. I want to walk more and build my stamina. Get bendier (better sex… that I am not having…… lol)
Yesterday, I was fucking determined to get this new life on track but today, all I did was lay around and eat. I didn’t even fucking brush my teeth. I am not saying that this is going to be easy but I do want to try. I want to get better. Join me if you want, I am so down with some solidarity. I was gonna create a nifty hashtag but… I just got uninterested so, I’m just gonna post. Ha, irony? Ducezzz.
Unedited and I’m just gonna post it. MUHAHAHAHA (I need to stop that)
BTW: I started Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things by Jenny Lawson today and let’s hope it benefits me!