Forever alone?

Hey! So, I really wanted to write about this so bear with me while I get around everything, okay?

You ever have those moments where you’re stressed because you’ve gotten really sick and you don’t know how to take care of yourself or that you’re screwed and can’t afford to pay off your credit card and it’s stressing you out or that you just want to talk about this cute guy that you’re crushing about? Who do you go to when you have to talk about this?

Now, my question to you is, can you always go to that person? Can you rely on their answer or their actions and know that it’ll make you feel better?

My issue is that sometimes I go through these difficult moments in life and I’d think hard about who I can call or text and they’d just come to the rescue. I’d be feeling alone and want a cuddle or very sick and want someone to bring me some soup. Sometimes, I just want someone. Someone to be there whenever I need them.

I remember having this feeling when I was little, wanting a someone who I can rely on but only being about to rely on myself.

I enjoy my independence. I love that I can take care of myself and do things for myself and most days, I enjoy my alone time. But I do think about having someone to take care of me and my needs. On days that I need it, whether I know it or not. Shit, even now I want a cuddle.

I’ve realized that I tried to find that comfort in other people. I try and force the care out of people, stress how sick I am. That I am alone, I try and squeeze the responses that I want out of people even though I know in my heart that it’s impossible.

My best thought is the idea of someone who can know what I need before I need it. I feel like I can and would do the very same to everyone if I didn’t mind draining myself of all energy. The thought of sharing my energy with someone who is sharing the same back is so amazing.

I want TV shows where these best friends know each other inside and out. They know that their friend is being weird and try and do what they can to help out. If theres a breakup, they have a movie night or go out. They gush about boys and complain about their families and are able to talk to each other about everything in the middle. I want that so badly. Some friends are good for certain things which aren’t bad. I just want an everything person who can take care of me as I take care of so many others. I don’t want it to feel forced, I want things to just be effortless.

I know that that person will come to me in due time. I’ve just been waiting for such a long time and I am so ready. I’m tired of feeling like I’m forcing people to check up on me.

Today, I am going to get my very first allergy shot. I want to document how I feel afterward because I might feel super sick afterward so, I’m gonna make myself some soup for when I reach home.

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