End of a long week + snippet of a short story.


I had a week that was so long and tiring. I feel like I’ve dragged myself to this finish line. I am finally going back home in about an hour and I am going to be with my awesome family and home friends. I really can’t wait.

All of my classes had us doing absolutely nothing all week so I spent my time in class writing. I started writing stories when I was SUPER depressed back in 2015. I spent all my time writing stories in class and not doing any work. There was one story that I actually worked on for the past two years and I named it “Nneka’s Journey” (working title). I started writing a bit more about the story. I haven’t touched that story all year so I’m happy I’ve written something. I’m going to share a snippet of it at the end but back to my week.

I’ve been tired all week. I’m trying to put myself back to my more positive self. Trying to remember everything that grounds me and comforts me. I’m surrounded by so many people and opinions and it gets so overwhelming. I need something that I can put into my every day that isn’t stressful. I am a work in progress! Gotta keep growing. Tonight, I will be having oysters with one of my best friends and I am so excited to spend time with her. She makes me SO. FUCKING. HAPPY!

I’m gonna end this off by just saying how much I hope to pick up my glasses before I get off campus. My glasses are making nose green so I needed to buy new glasses. I got them from Firmoo. They have amazing discounts. I got my glasses for about $16 because of that coupon, including additions to the lenses and shipping. I want to buy another especially if they’re that cheap!

Okay. Here are two parts of my story. I hope you all enjoy.

Part 1.

The Hole is different from other bookstores. It’s crowded with so many books, old and new, but it doesn’t feel overwhelming. It feels comforting. Like being wrapped up in a blanket with a cup of tea on a rainy day. Like you’re safe. This is my favorite place in all of New York. You know what, the world. It’s my favorite place in the whole world. I am so happy to be working here.


My shift came and went in a blur of books, boxes, and friendly faces. The manager completely ignored me all day, which I am thankful for.

At home, I put on relaxing clothing and attempted to start cleaning up but then I got distracted. I stumbled across the journal that was with me when I was a child. When I was found 15 years ago, I was a young girl alone and crying in Prospect Park with what looked like someone’s journal and pendant. I was told that no one could understand the book so they just assumed it was something I found in the street. I cried when they tried taking the journal or the pendant away so they let me keep them both. A gold chain with a pendant in the shape of a crescent moon and the name Nneka on the back and a black raggedy looking journal. I still don’t understand anything of the journal but I look through it anyway. The journal has all of these drawings of new machines and creations and scribbles around the drawings. I can only make out a couple of words on each page, like the person who wrote it was constantly rushing. I love puzzles and this book is the biggest puzzle of my life. Who wrote this? and why do I have it?

When I look back at my phone, it’s 3 in the morning. I’ve been so into the journal that I didn’t notice the time or that I’ve been playing with my pendant. I get up and head for bed.

Tonight feels strange, I keep seeing things, like the walls changing colors or doors turning into walls.  I obviously need to go to sleep. Before I reach my bedroom door, it turns to a wall, but unlike the other hallucinations, this wall has strange carvings and symbols on it. The wall glows as if it’s breathing. A living wall, I must be going crazy. When I reach out to where the doorknob should be, I just feel the carvings. I glide over all the curves of the wall and I start feeling a warming sensation from my neck and it spreads all through my body. It feels strange, yet comforting. I get lost in it and close my eyes and feel.. wind. Rushing up against my skin. When I open them again, I look down at myself and I’m glowing. The carving from the wall is on my skin, like living tattoos. They wrap around my arms in swirls lashing out in all different directions like a windy storm. I can feel the wind on my skin like I’m standing in an open field. The feeling and the tattoos leave my body slowly and the wall turns back into my door. I’m left standing there completely confused with the lingering sensations all over my body. Before I can really think about what just happened, exhaustion hits me. I rush into my room and dive into my bed and within seconds, sleep takes me.

I wake with a start the next morning. I quickly assess my surroundings and when my body finally settles, I realize how sore my entire body feels and remain to lie in bed for the day.

Part 2.

Late at night when I was a child, I’d open the journal just lay in bed and admire her features. Imaging this woman as my mom, holding my hand and taking me to the park or the zoo. Or I’d imagine her holding me at night lulling me to sleep during a thunderstorm. Lauren wasn’t one for comforting during storms so I’d have to stay in my room alone, imagining.


I catch myself doing that now. Thinking about what it would’ve been like to have had a mom who loved me. Someone who played in my hair took me shopping, sang songs with me. Someone to guide me throughout all of the tough times in my life.


I spent 30 minutes staring at this woman’s face, imagining until I finally decided that after all these years of searching through this book, I won’t find anything new.

I’m feeling pretty miserable today, so I decide to turn in for the night and spare myself the pity party. Nevertheless, I take the journal with me. If I’m going to dream, why not dream of another life — one with a real mother.

I get so lost in daydreaming that when I get out of my daze, I realize that I’ve spilled tea on the book. I begin to rush to the kitchen to get some paper towels but after two steps, I feel lightheaded. Like I got up too fast but when I try to sit back onto my bed, I stumble and fall onto the floor with my body feeling hot and my muscles tight. Within seconds, I’m lying on the floor in fetal position panting and sweating. Too dazed from the pain, I realize too late that my necklace is glowing bright yellow. I felt a strong gust of wind just before I went out of consciousness.

I wake with a start, disoriented from whatever happened the night before. It took a moment to realize that I wasn’t looking at my room. That I’m not lying on the floor of my bedroom, where I passed out but on dirt. I get up quickly still analyzing my surroundings. Did I sleepwalk to a park? I couldn’t have, right? It took a moment to realize how strange the plants looked. One plant looks like a huge butterfly. It was as big as me and flaming red. Another plant looks like a man-eating sunflower. Most of the plant life there was still green but looked more alive. Patches of grass change colors as they swayed in the breeze. Trees so tall it looks like they reach the sky. Neon green poppies, chartreuse roses. Dandelions electric blue and as big as an umbrella were twirling in the air.

I needed to sit down before I passed out again. I sat down, covered my eyes and began to cry. I’ve lost my mind. I am certain. I’m probably locked away somewhere and this is the world I created for myself. At least it’s beautiful, but then again, flowers that big need to be pollinated. As if on cue, I heard buzzing coming from my left. I got up quickly and ran as fast as I could in the opposite direction. Once I passed the first line of trees, I ran into something warm and solid. I looked up to see bright grey eyes staring down at me.

I’m still writing and editing and building to this story. It’s just what I’ve got so far. All y’all get were the pieces. Lol. I can’t wait to sit down and write and edit!

See Y’all Monday. I hope you all have a great weekend. Mine is gonna be so great!


Books to heal.

Just got my first hit of anxiety/depression. It surprises me. It sneaks up like a ninja and sinks its claws in me. It happens when I’m overwhelmed. Too much input. Too much happening and things to think about. It makes me wonder if I had the strength to take on as much as I’d like. I don’t feel very strong right now. I just feel like I should take it easy. I get waves of bad thoughts and I don’t know how to push them out. My ways of getting rid of them before were bad and now I want to figure out healthier ways. I feel like locking myself in. But I know it would harm more than help. I’ve been looking into figuring out what I like and what I need. I’d love a nice cozy sweater and hot chocolate but it’s like 80 degrees. I’m listening to Dodie Clark’s sad love songs and singing alone. My friend Jade is gonna come by to watch movies with me.

I think I should get into my leisure readings. I’m gonna show the books I loved and read and books I’d love to read. Its long but, I love books and I’m so stressed. I don’t feel good in my dome piece. I want to cry and scream and sit in a corner alone. Instead, I’ll write this long post.

Harry Potter series – Always makes me feel good. Plus, the audiobooks read by Stephen Fry is great to fall asleep to.
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (Harry Potter, #1)
Throne of Glass Series – I love a badass heroine. I will always recommend this book. The 6th book just came out and I’ve love to read it but I do know it will take over my whole life.
Throne of Glass (Throne of Glass, #1)
Raven’s Boys Series – This book series is so good. I head it last August before going away to school and I loved it so much. Her prose is so good. I loved this! It’s all kinds of witchy.
The Raven Boys (The Raven Cycle, #1)
Cassandra Clare anything –  Her writing takes you to a whole new place. I just get swept away. Her books are written in the same realm button at different time periods. They’re all so fucking good. I love being washed away by this new world. Lady Midnight just got the second book and I WANT TO READ IT! I’m just poor and Overdrive doesn’t have it yet.
City of Bones (The Mortal Instruments, #1)
Clockwork Angel (The Infernal Devices, #1)
Lady Midnight (The Dark Artifices, #1)
The Lunar Chronicles – This book series took me on a trip. It was wild and so much fun. I loved reading their stories.
Cinder (The Lunar Chronicles, #1)
Legend – I can honestly say I don’t remember reading this book. I want to reread it. I read it in high school. Could have been six years ago, sophomore year! Geez. I loved how the book series ended though.
Legend (Legend, #1)

Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things – This book inspired me to write my blog. It’s all about mental health and embracing who you are. This book made me want to figure out how I can make my life better. I’m still working on that.

Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things

Which is why, after last Friday and I noticed how mean I was to people while drinking. My mood has been so bad lately. I don’t know what it is. I was drunk and mean and I’m just not gonna drink anymore. I’ve been wanting to for a while but last Friday made me want to seriously do it.  I’m starting out with a month. I like starting with baby steps. Fridays will be hard because everyone drinks on Friday. Having alcoholics in my family scares me and I don’t want to go down that path. I want healthy ways to cope and get through life. I’m going to make a therapy appointment in the hopes that I can get on some medication. I hate this feeling.

In other news, I want to start a series called Empowerment Monday’s (working title) where I post articles about the amazing women in my life. The women who keep me going. It’s a new approach, anew focus and I’m excited to start things up. Not exactly sure when I’ll begin but here’s a heads up!

Late post!


Okay, my post is a day late because my Friday was long and exhausting. This morning, I woke up at 3 in the afternoon. I don’t remember the last time I did that. The first few Friday night at Purchase, my school, is always insane. Last week, I told myself not to drink as much and this week. I think I drank more than last week. I’m obviously letting this one post just be a stream of consciousness.

I had a great night though, I had butterbeer, I cooked dinner for my lovely roommates. I looked damn good and I smiled so much last night. My friends are really amazing.

The whole political climate has been stressing us all so we figured we should release some tension.

I’m gonna stop typing now, I’ll post something popping for Monday. I’m gonna watch Gotham and play Sims for the rest of the day. I’ll also be crocheting. It’s my new love.

See y’all!

The Lazy Weekend

Ugh! Okay. I had an amazingly lazy weekend AND I got all my homework done. I’ve also been killing the crochet game. The “Ugh” at the beginning is just because I am so fucking tired of being fucking broke. Excuse my curses but seriously. I need to start making my own money. I need to be able to go shopping for Autumn and Winter. I am so in love with fashion, skin care and hair care. I just want to buy nice things. I want to spend money. I want to buy my nerdy Harry Potter shit and I want to buy birthday and Christmas gifts for the people I love. I want to go on vacation, get new camera equipment. I want to grow and I can grow while broke but that’s exactly what I’ve been doing for such a long time. I want to grow and be able to buy my own dumb shit. Also, ya girl needs groceries and textbooks. Oh yea, and to actually pay for college.

I’ve been thinking that maybe it’s the universe telling me that I need to become my own boss. That I need to actually put my life and income into my own hands. I just really want to find the steps to get to where I want to go.

I want to spend my week researching. I’ve been tired, hot and crampy but I really want to get things going. I know that I will. This is my end of the year goal. To start making money from my blog and keep working on being my own boss.

But end of the weekend updates. Loud fireworks scared me and my roommates so badly that now we all get super anxious at every sound of airplanes. (We thought the fireworks were a plane crash or some kind of explosion) and my glasses are turning green! Don’t get glasses from urban outfitters then put in your expensive lenses in them! Lesson learned!

It’s back.


Guess who is anxious again!🙃 I was hoping beyond home that I’d actually have a hold on this for this semester but all I feel like I’m doing is spiraling. I had my first therapy session which went great. I learned how to better organize my time. It’s putting it into action and not stressing about it while I do everything that is the issue. I do not want to crash and burn. I REALLY do not want to. I know it happens to the best of us but I’d rather it not happen at all.

All of my studies are hard because I have so many books to read. I’m expected to read like 6-11 chapters within a week in each class. I just feel like I’m drowning. I’ve been trying to think of things that I enjoy so that I don’t feel like I’m sliding under.

I love Autumn and being cozy (It’s been fucking hot for the past few days. I can’t even wear a jean jacket without sweating)

I love candles (The candles that I got don’t have a strong smell)

Food isn’t comforting me. Nor is booze. I can’t lay in bed for too long because I get restless. I don’t feel centered or chill. I feel like I’m jittering everywhere. I have my special comforts. I just don’t know how to incorporate them into my stress.

If I’m honest, I never thought anxiety was a big issue for me. I know I have it but I thought it was my depression that ruled most of my brain. I look at my friends who have panic attacks and can’t do something because of their anxiety and I just think that it’s not me. I know that when comparing my own mental health issues to others, they shrink in comparison. I still think it is good to talk about it. My panic attacks happen so infrequently that I forget what its like to have them.

Anyways, I wish I could find a way to help myself. I have meditation apps. I want to get back into yoga. I want to follow a schedule and eat healthy. I’ve been so tired these past few days.

If you have any tips. Comment, please. I’ll be posting again on Monday!✌🏾

Monday Moaning. Sorta just letting ya know how I plan on spending my week.

Howdy. It is Monday. I am still sick and the sick has made me fucking exhausted. Between all my medications for my period and the sickness in general, I didn’t notice how anxious I have been all week. Pilling on responsibilities like its a fucking buffet.

Perfect week to start reading a “You Are a Badass: How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life” by Jen Sincero. Fuck, there was one part when she mentioned being afraid to date because in the past you’ve only seen bad relationships and I mean, FUCK YES! I really wanted to put a lil flashlight on this little babe.

I hope my family and friends see this and don’t get salty but seeing their relationships and seeing how hard being in a relationship has been for them and how toxic they’ve been. I am so nervous about dating. I don’t like talking about dating. I get anxious by just having crushes. I panic about the idea of going on a date with someone. The entirety of dating freaks me out because I always wonder. Will dating this person ruin me and change all my values? Will this person take away what I value so much in myself? I see some people get into a relationship and they stop making the art that they’re so good at or cry every night but start with them because there is this co-dependency. Gaining that unhappy weight and their partners criticizing them because of their bodies.

It just so happens that a lot of the people around me have been in bad relationships. I know that just because they’ve been in bad relationships doesn’t mean that when I get in one, but fuck does dating frighten me. I am trying so very hard to calm my anxiety and this book has been helping me loads.

I also, I want to make money off of my social media so that I can focus on my school work. Then after I get my bachelors, I want to study abroad to get my masters. I would also like to study abroad in between that and “You Are A BadAss” has made me feel like I can get all of this done. I CAN ACHIEVE!

But first, I’d like to nap until my next class because being sick is fucking exhausting. Read the book if you need inspiration because it’s fucking amazing!

Normally when I’m super anxious in school, I just binge watch Doctor Who. My binging started yesterday. This is amazing. I will stop my yapping now. I love you all. Help me get success, thanks.

Guess who’s going back home today?

Hey, I’m already gonna make my way back home, my sister was kind enough to offer to buy me a ticket. I am so excited to hold my sweet nephew and see my mom and sisters and dad. My little pup Mocha. I miss my family. I also need to pick up a few sweaters before it gets super chilly.

I’ve been sick for like a week. My asthma and allergies combined destroy me when the seasons change, upper respiratory cold. I ate chicken twice since I’ve been at school and I promised I wouldn’t. One was chicken soup because I was sick and the other was because I was so hungry, I felt high (off painkillers and cold meds) and Alex made enough for two so she gave me a plate.

Being a lit major is exciting and hard and I’m so tired. Figuring out how to manage my time and energy. Friends, family, going to class/homework, managing cheese club, blogs. Although, blogs are nice. It’s my little outlet.

As I write this, I feel so fucking nauseous. I have one more class for the day and then I have cheese club two hours after, our very first for the year. I’m very excited and kinda nervous. Managing a club is like a business and it’s so stressful. *written on Thursday*

The first Cheese Club meeting was awesome. I was super anxious though. My friends supported me by talking more and my roommate came and gave me support. I was so anxious for the whole day.

Don’t tell my mom but I might skip my first class today. It’s my gym class and I’ve been sick all week, as I said earlier, I’m so tired and I ran the other day and I hurt my knee somehow. I spent yesterday totally drugged up with two painkillers and these drugs to stop all my mucus.

Before I go, Hurricane Irma past over my sister’s home in Tortola. We heard that she lost power but that was all. We hoped to hear from her but we didn’t;t for a long while. We called her friends and looked for some kind of outreach and today we finally contacted her. I’m so happy she’s okay. Tortola was really destroyed and there is no way off the island. I’d appreciate if you keep her in your prayers.

Thank you and I’ll be posting on Monday.