I had a week that was so long and tiring. I feel like I’ve dragged myself to this finish line. I am finally going back home in about an hour and I am going to be with my awesome family and home friends. I really can’t wait.
All of my classes had us doing absolutely nothing all week so I spent my time in class writing. I started writing stories when I was SUPER depressed back in 2015. I spent all my time writing stories in class and not doing any work. There was one story that I actually worked on for the past two years and I named it “Nneka’s Journey” (working title). I started writing a bit more about the story. I haven’t touched that story all year so I’m happy I’ve written something. I’m going to share a snippet of it at the end but back to my week.
I’ve been tired all week. I’m trying to put myself back to my more positive self. Trying to remember everything that grounds me and comforts me. I’m surrounded by so many people and opinions and it gets so overwhelming. I need something that I can put into my every day that isn’t stressful. I am a work in progress! Gotta keep growing. Tonight, I will be having oysters with one of my best friends and I am so excited to spend time with her. She makes me SO. FUCKING. HAPPY!
I’m gonna end this off by just saying how much I hope to pick up my glasses before I get off campus. My glasses are making nose green so I needed to buy new glasses. I got them from Firmoo. They have amazing discounts. I got my glasses for about $16 because of that coupon, including additions to the lenses and shipping. I want to buy another especially if they’re that cheap!
Okay. Here are two parts of my story. I hope you all enjoy.
The Hole is different from other bookstores. It’s crowded with so many books, old and new, but it doesn’t feel overwhelming. It feels comforting. Like being wrapped up in a blanket with a cup of tea on a rainy day. Like you’re safe. This is my favorite place in all of New York. You know what, the world. It’s my favorite place in the whole world. I am so happy to be working here.
My shift came and went in a blur of books, boxes, and friendly faces. The manager completely ignored me all day, which I am thankful for.
At home, I put on relaxing clothing and attempted to start cleaning up but then I got distracted. I stumbled across the journal that was with me when I was a child. When I was found 15 years ago, I was a young girl alone and crying in Prospect Park with what looked like someone’s journal and pendant. I was told that no one could understand the book so they just assumed it was something I found in the street. I cried when they tried taking the journal or the pendant away so they let me keep them both. A gold chain with a pendant in the shape of a crescent moon and the name Nneka on the back and a black raggedy looking journal. I still don’t understand anything of the journal but I look through it anyway. The journal has all of these drawings of new machines and creations and scribbles around the drawings. I can only make out a couple of words on each page, like the person who wrote it was constantly rushing. I love puzzles and this book is the biggest puzzle of my life. Who wrote this? and why do I have it?
When I look back at my phone, it’s 3 in the morning. I’ve been so into the journal that I didn’t notice the time or that I’ve been playing with my pendant. I get up and head for bed.
Tonight feels strange, I keep seeing things, like the walls changing colors or doors turning into walls. I obviously need to go to sleep. Before I reach my bedroom door, it turns to a wall, but unlike the other hallucinations, this wall has strange carvings and symbols on it. The wall glows as if it’s breathing. A living wall, I must be going crazy. When I reach out to where the doorknob should be, I just feel the carvings. I glide over all the curves of the wall and I start feeling a warming sensation from my neck and it spreads all through my body. It feels strange, yet comforting. I get lost in it and close my eyes and feel.. wind. Rushing up against my skin. When I open them again, I look down at myself and I’m glowing. The carving from the wall is on my skin, like living tattoos. They wrap around my arms in swirls lashing out in all different directions like a windy storm. I can feel the wind on my skin like I’m standing in an open field. The feeling and the tattoos leave my body slowly and the wall turns back into my door. I’m left standing there completely confused with the lingering sensations all over my body. Before I can really think about what just happened, exhaustion hits me. I rush into my room and dive into my bed and within seconds, sleep takes me.
I wake with a start the next morning. I quickly assess my surroundings and when my body finally settles, I realize how sore my entire body feels and remain to lie in bed for the day.
Late at night when I was a child, I’d open the journal just lay in bed and admire her features. Imaging this woman as my mom, holding my hand and taking me to the park or the zoo. Or I’d imagine her holding me at night lulling me to sleep during a thunderstorm. Lauren wasn’t one for comforting during storms so I’d have to stay in my room alone, imagining.
I catch myself doing that now. Thinking about what it would’ve been like to have had a mom who loved me. Someone who played in my hair took me shopping, sang songs with me. Someone to guide me throughout all of the tough times in my life.
I spent 30 minutes staring at this woman’s face, imagining until I finally decided that after all these years of searching through this book, I won’t find anything new.
I’m feeling pretty miserable today, so I decide to turn in for the night and spare myself the pity party. Nevertheless, I take the journal with me. If I’m going to dream, why not dream of another life — one with a real mother.
I get so lost in daydreaming that when I get out of my daze, I realize that I’ve spilled tea on the book. I begin to rush to the kitchen to get some paper towels but after two steps, I feel lightheaded. Like I got up too fast but when I try to sit back onto my bed, I stumble and fall onto the floor with my body feeling hot and my muscles tight. Within seconds, I’m lying on the floor in fetal position panting and sweating. Too dazed from the pain, I realize too late that my necklace is glowing bright yellow. I felt a strong gust of wind just before I went out of consciousness.
I wake with a start, disoriented from whatever happened the night before. It took a moment to realize that I wasn’t looking at my room. That I’m not lying on the floor of my bedroom, where I passed out but on dirt. I get up quickly still analyzing my surroundings. Did I sleepwalk to a park? I couldn’t have, right? It took a moment to realize how strange the plants looked. One plant looks like a huge butterfly. It was as big as me and flaming red. Another plant looks like a man-eating sunflower. Most of the plant life there was still green but looked more alive. Patches of grass change colors as they swayed in the breeze. Trees so tall it looks like they reach the sky. Neon green poppies, chartreuse roses. Dandelions electric blue and as big as an umbrella were twirling in the air.
I needed to sit down before I passed out again. I sat down, covered my eyes and began to cry. I’ve lost my mind. I am certain. I’m probably locked away somewhere and this is the world I created for myself. At least it’s beautiful, but then again, flowers that big need to be pollinated. As if on cue, I heard buzzing coming from my left. I got up quickly and ran as fast as I could in the opposite direction. Once I passed the first line of trees, I ran into something warm and solid. I looked up to see bright grey eyes staring down at me.
I’m still writing and editing and building to this story. It’s just what I’ve got so far. All y’all get were the pieces. Lol. I can’t wait to sit down and write and edit!
See Y’all Monday. I hope you all have a great weekend. Mine is gonna be so great!