This week, I’ve noticed that I’ve been chilling in my comfort zone. I thought I was being all kinds of bold and dressing up and occasionally talking in class, I hate talking in class.
A friend of mine started doing things that I wasn’t used to. He was getting closer to my family and in that way, he was getting closer to me and I spent an entire day in anxiety because none of my friends got close to my family like that. I called him and talked to him and I realized why I had resistance. I always say how crazy my family is, how out there they are. I didn’t realize that there are some things in my family that I’ve been hiding. I fooled myself into thinking that I’m an open person. I am open with what goes on with me. I know that I am. I’m just not open with my emotions and how these experiences effected me.
I’ve been telling myself all week that I don’t know how I’m feeling. I think I’m okay with things and then I realize i’m not. I have not been in tune with my emotions at all.
That was a whole tangent, let’s get back to comfort. I am currently waiting to go into a trial shift at this cheese company. I am trying so hard to continue being positive and then those nagging thoughts come in. Those negative ones that stay talking shit. As if i can’t handle it. It’s only scary because if all goes well, I will be working, at a job. I have never worked at a job before. I have volunteered and never worked. The boss people were kind of nervous because I’m kinda far and don’t drive and I also have never worked before. I’m trying not to psych myself out. To stay focused with what I want. I know that this job can give me the financial stability that I desire. It’s just another step. That one step is making me nervous.
Speaking about that, I have been slacking with my other wants the things I think and dream about. The things I know that I want. I haven’t gone after it because I’ve just been scared.
I am scared of rejection. I don’t like rejection AT ALL. I know it’s supposed to help you grow and become better. Getting out of your comfort zone and getting rejected is supposed to help you grow. That’s what the people say. It’s just so scary making that leap. Those butterflies in my belly, the anxiety in my chest. It’s so hard to ignore.
That being said, today is such a busy day. So many things on my schedule have been overlapping. I am so tired and I want to be home but I’m going to try and do everything that I can possibly do. I’m sitting in a room where I am the only black person. It’s the Starbucks across the street from the cheese company. I don’t like being the only black person in places but hey, getting out of those comfort zones. Its like ripping open an embryonic sack. That’s how hard I’m imagining it. Very weird description, enjoy it.
WISH ME LUCK!