Drunk poem at 12:45am

my foolish heart fell for him

she felt that deep urge for him

wanted more than mediocre.

wanted to get that dream of being more than a solo person

to become a team with someone

my foolish heart looked at him

reach for him

wanted him

looked through all the hardships and the hurt

look through the broken I felt and broken I saw

my foolish heart stretched through the dark wanting to be more

wanting to see more

needing to be more to you

to be your muse

your joy

your excitement

like I feel for you

wanting moment shared between us

hot cocoa in the cold

cuddles in bed

wanting to be with you in moments of calm

I want you.

I want to lay up under you

I want to breathe you in

I want to understand every moment of your being

I want to share

I want to shed even piece of me

In being this open with you

that vulnerable place that I’ve never been before

not knowing how to be open

You, being too open

being in a  place where you don’t want me with you

being in a place where you don’t want me

you don’t want me

I’m not wanted

you don’t yearn for me as I do for you

do you breathe in me as I do you?

that love, that you don’t want.

you don’t want me.

My Foolish Heart by Jazmine Sullivan

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Black Friday 2017

Hello, lovelies

8:10am

I’m going to start another blog post where I wrote throughout the day. I’m going to work this morning and my job is in white plains which means I need to spend $20 to get there and back. I want to have a conversation with them about this because the distance is too much for me to travel there during the winter time. I want to be more confident in saying what I need and doing what’s best for me.

 

I’ve been exhausted for weeks and if I put some time for me to have some space, maybe things would be better. That being said. Just being at home. Waking up in my own bed, my own space. Feels so good. Especially having so many options right outside my door. Being at school reminds me how trapped I am. I can’t wake up in the morning and grab a smoothie. I can’t just hop on a train and go anywhere. I like having choices.

 

11:18am

Finally gonna be done with traveling to work. Its been so fucking long. I’m tired

I got a call from my gyno saying that my depression levels weren’t okay and that I need to really take time for myself because no one is holding a gun to my head telling me to overexert myself. She’s 100% right. She sent me the info for a doctor at home and I also have an appointment with a nutritionist when I get home. I just want to work on my mental and physical health when I’m home. It’s so easy to take care of myself at home. More outlets.

 

6:51pm

QUICK! I’m on break. I gotta go soon!

 

Work is dope. I love working at B&N. I love being around all these awesome people. Today, I bought two books. Check my insta. Everyone is so nice and kind and funny. One girl watches doctor who. I like the environment here.

 

I also spent a shit ton of money and I really wanna go buy pillows at target after work but I’m not sure if I should. I need them though!

 

11:06pm

 

I’m home now, I’ve eaten more leftovers and mommy has on hallmark movies. I’m drinking peppermint tea and though my body is exhausted. I’m actually happy. I know I have a lot on my plate but I’m making money, I’m with my family and I AM ALMOST DONE WITH FUCKING SCHOOL. I have two more weeks of working and going to school. Then it’s finals week. I really need a ride to come back home. I wish I could start packing now. Lol. It feels so good being at home. The thought of coming home to my family is amazing. I MISS BROOKLYN! Just thinking about going back to school, ugh. I miss my friends. I didn’t even see some of my besties. Ah well. It is what it is. I’m just happy that I’m getting shit done and working hard.

 

I am so tired so, tea and then bed!  I’m so excited to hang out with my friend tomorrow and get some yummy lobster!

 

Night, y’all!

11.20.17

Hey, I know I discussed my not wanting to do stream of conscious posts but it’s all I have to offer since I feel like I don’t have enough time to be creative. I’ve written out ideas for the future but as of right now, it’s hard to get there creatively.

This morning, I had the hardest time waking up. I did not want to get out of bed. I woke up late for class and I still feel like I’m lagging.

My goal these past few days is preparing myself for the shit load of things I want to do for Christmas. I’ve been trying to organize everything to prepare myself for the holiday posting.

Knowing how exhausted I am, I still accepted coming into work until closing. I know how much I want to crash and lay in a warm bed. I do just want money. I want to have money to save up and be able to pay for gifts and things that I want to make my brand more prevalent. I don’t know how long I will be making money. I don’t expect to not be working anytime soon but, who knows. I want to make as much money as I possibly can.

Before I go, I’ve been dehydrating myself. Not really intentionally, I just haven’t been drying as much water as I typically do and I’m really feeling it!

Okay, I can’t wait to get home! Next post, I will be back in Brooklyn! ✌🏾

Restarting.

Hey, so Friday’s post is late because I’ve been having some difficulties when it comes to being creative. I feel like when I posted things during the summer, I was so into blogging and I was so inspired about new blog posts and I knew exactly what to write and what to post. Lately, I feel like all I’m doing is creating a stream of conscious posts and they are nice to have but I would like to also create posts with meaning, substantial things. Nah, mean?

It’s been hard for me to create posts that I’d like because there is so much going on lately. I want to get back to that place where I could sit down in a calm environment, write my posts with a cup of tea and just relax.

I don’t feel inspired, I’m trying to create posts for Christmas and I have ideas for next year… when it comes to making videos… but blogging, my faves. Creating the posts were pretty difficult. Too much on my mind.

Anyways when I’m home at Thanksgiving, I want to have some time to sit down and plan. I know I’ll be able to plan things during the holiday season, I can’t wait for the holidays.

I feel like I’m rambling, the point is, I fell like my creativity is draining and I am excited to go home and create and have fun. I really miss being in the city. There is so much to see and explore every day, so many new faces. I am eager to get back.

That’s it, peace out!

Being sick and hella busy

Hello, lovelies

I remember last week, I was yelling at one of my friends about taking care of themselves. They claimed they were too busy to actually take care of themselves. Too much to do, think about, all that. Then being sick became some annoying thing that should just go away.

Talking to them made me realize that I’ve been doing the damn same. My health has been slowly deteriorating and I have not stopped once to take care of myself. I mentioned once before that I have issues with my cramps and eating meat makes them worse. On top of that, my asthma has been shitty all year and I honestly have not taken care of it as I should. Last week, my asthma acted up and with that, I notice that I was also getting a cold.

Of course, after dishing out my own advice to my friend and telling him all the things he should do to take care of himself, I still didn’t do anything to help myself.

So, I thought I should compile a little list. It’s that time of the year where we are not only fucking ecstatic that it’s the end of the year and the holiday season is coming up! I know I am, I am Queen of Christmas.

I digress, okay, the list is, make sure you have soup! I’ve been finding ways to pick up soup every now and then and when I get paid again, I wanna buy some ingredients. I’d love a nice bowl of soup.

I’ve been drinking tea every day for every meal. Today, I made some ginger tea which is awesome of you and delicious.

Sleeping is also great when you’re feeling sick because it gives your body the time to rebuild itself. I’d love if I were able to sleep in a warm environment instead of a cold and dry one but… having roommates such sometimes.

Now, the health things that I should do but have not is taken my vitamins, actually sleeping and allowing myself time to get back on my feet.

When it comes to this, I am hella salty because I’d love to be able to take care of myself but I feel like I don’t have any time. The days that I am not in school, I’m working and in between that, I am squeezing in eating, sleeping, leisure time and homework.

Vitamins are awesome for ourselves simply because it helps build some strength within your body. I feel that when you feel like you’re too busy to care your yourself like I am. You can always squeeze in some health time. That soup, tea, and vitamins can help, as well as putting in some sleep time.

I am a huge lover of chicken soup but since I am no longer eating meat (except for Thanksgiving and Christmas because I love those holidays) I decided to expose y’all to some yummy vegetarian soups!

Creamy Vegan Corn and Red Pepper Blender Soup

Miso Soup

Creamy Tomato Soup

Roasted Carrot and Red Pepper Peanut Soup

https://www.averiecooks.com/2014/01/immune-boosting-vegetable-soup-and-broth.html#

The shitty parts of adulting

Howdy doodle!

Let me tell you about being a grown-up, the shitty parts. Obviously, besides bills and shit, how horrible is it to quit a job! I hope you all remember that a few weeks ago I was offered two jobs. I really started leaning towards one job (job A) because it was closer. Job B was far and I needed to take ubers damn near every day just to get to work on time. The amount of ubers needed was half my freaking paycheck. I finally realized that I needed to quit.

I went around asking my siblings and friends how to actually quite a job. Everyone told me that the way to quit a job is sending in my two weeks resignation. The difficulty in that is that I needed to squeeze in a class, two fucking jobs that schedule me on the same days and doing all my homework. AND actually trying to sleep! I was so sleep deprived just from only having job B. How am I possibly going to have two???

Finally, after an entire week of stress, I decided to go with what I need to do for myself at this moment and I quickly sent out a resignation email (which I was told NOT to do). The stress of having both jobs and squeezing in all that I needed to do, I felt like I overdid it and so I needed to forcibly quit. I know it was not the right thing, according to everyone around me but I just needed to do this for me and my peace of mind. Plus, my mommy said that I could so, who cares about everyone else. I hope that the email is taken in a nice way but seriously, I’m letting it go.

At least I said something, my sister used to quit by just not showing up to work.

On another note, today, I bought myself the iPhone 8 plus AND Sims 4 Cats and Dogs. I am so excited to play and I plan on spending most of my night playing before I go to bed. I have an early start for my new job tomorrow and I am excited. Job A seems like it’ll be a new experience, something that I need to take my time and learn from and I am excited.

This was a huge learning experience for me and it was super stressful. I am just praying that soon I will be able to work for myself. I can’ quit or get fired form myself. It might as well just be my game plan.

Goodnight, y’all!

Negative days

Hey all, I was trying not to post anything when I’m feeling so negative. I actually wanted to post when being in a positive mindset. I felt like I’d get in one when I finally ate and got into bed but that’s not really working for me. So, I will vent.

Today has been so long and exhausting. I’ve been tired all day but I went to my classes and my conferences with my teachers. I now know for certain that I’m passing all my classes which is dope. I did just find out that I have more work that needs to be done and I feel like I have no time to get everything done.

Tomorrow is going to be long because I have work and the rest of my days will be weird because I’m squeezing things into my days because there are so many things that need to be done. I’m squeezing in appointments and chatting with my best friend and mom.

I honestly just want to be home. I doubt my thoughts are coming across as full and thought out but this is totally just a blog entry. I want to be home because I want to be alone. I feel like while at school, I’m surrounded by negativity and loud noises. After a long and stressful day, I want to talk to and be around people who are positive and loving. I try and get my chats in with my best friend because her energy supports me so much. Like when I feel like I’m dragging down. She is so positive to me. She supports me in all of my moods and listens to me which is exactly what I need. Like if I’m tired and I look tired, she will catch on and be herself and still support my mood. If that makes sense.

I feel like this apartment is too small and the walls are too thin and having time alone or just silence isn’t something that has been happening. I don’t want to beg for some peace. It’s even more frustrating because while working, I have no time off to go home to Brooklyn and have some chill time.

I really just want quiet and to be in bed and get some sleep. To not be bothered by loud laughing from the next room or someone screaming about procrastination. Too much goes on here and I just want to have some chill.

Today, I am negative Nay. I feel it in my bones. Especially because I need to get up at like 6am tomorrow to work all day and I have homework due. Which means that I need to get it all done tonight. If I can physically have my Brooklyn besties right here in my bed with me, I’d be so satisfied.

Alright, let’s hope Friday is more positive. I love having a positive mindset. Being tired, its hard to look for the good. I have peaks of brightness every day it’s just hard to focus on that.