Ending the Semester

Hello, I am barely making it this semester. Watch my struggles in my vlogmas.


https://chrishallbeck.tumblr.com

I am behind in my work, I haven’t studied for my finals because I’m working all weekend. I don’t really care about any of my classes. I’m starting to not even care about passing or failing because I just want to feel again. I want to sleep, I want to not be sick, I want to make sure that my body and mind is feeling 100%. I want to be making myself more and more successful. This semester has really dragged me down and I feel like it’s because I continuously thought about the word responsibility.

I thought about all the things I’m responsible for and how I can be more of an independent woman. I always think about which choices I can make that’s good for me and whether or not my choices are affecting other people. I tried so hard being responsible for cheese club and the member’s feelings, being mindful of my roommates and sacrificing small things to keep everyone on good terms. Trying to be my best at school and work not because it’s what I want but I know that my mom and other people I look up to would be happy seeing how great I’m doing.

I’ve been thinking all day about whether or not my actions are for me. If I’m doing things because it’s good for me or if it’s just good for those around me.

Now, I try and think if I’m not doing what’s good for me now, what would it actually look like?

I know that I want to be creating my own brand/business. I am just so unsure of how that would look and how to achieve it. I don’t feel like I have any energy left to focus on myself.

I also feel like being a busy person also makes people sacrifice the good things in their lives.

I have so much going on within myself. Issues with trusting the people around me and managing my time. I know that I am so much better mentally when I can sleep well. I want to work on my own time and actually making some damn money.

I want to go to London with a friend from work. Even having money for myself is hard.

I’m hoping for some clarity tonight with JAIA, there is an event called a Taize. My fingers are crossed and I’m praying for you all who are going through anything similar.

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