Going beyond your limits

Hello, I am writing to you in the absolute dark of my dorm room because I am basking in my solitude today.

I’ve spent the last week wondering what kind of blog I should write up and I’ve been completely stumped. I refuse to have one more week of not posting so I’ll just let you know what’s been going on.

I told you all about my anxieties, I’ve been hoping that it would calm down after having one of my biggest stressors gone but then I noticed the anxieties I felt in class. That’s when I knew it’s something to focus on. I don’t want to yap about anxiety. I do just want to say that I’ve dealt with so much on my plate and I’ve just received so much more.

With all that is going on, I do want to express my victories.

I use grounding objects, my 4 crystals, two rose quartz, amethyst, and citrine. I carry them with me always so that I know I can focus on what is around me because of the positive energies in my pocket. It’s a comfort and easy to play with.

I’ve been doing yoga and meditation/breathing techniques to get my body calm in situations.

I’ve been transparent with my friends and teachers instead of holding all of my negativity within myself.

I’ve cried. This may not be big for many people but I am not a crier at all and boy did I have a great ol’ sob with my roommates. I woke up with a sore body and a puffy face.

I chose not to drown myself in my sorrows. I instead made sure I did my work and I’ve also been trying to put my energy into being creative. I spent most of my “stay in bed” day working on giving my YouTube channel a new look.

I’ve been trying to manage my negative thoughts and feelings. I know I get waves of jealousy when looking at other people’s success or lives and then I check in with myself and say “it’s just not your time yet.” Everything will come to you at the speed that is good for you.

I noticed how great my friends and family are and I acknowledge that not everyone can give me the care that is specific to me because they can only support me with what they can give. I just value those who can give me what I need and those who try to give me what they can. What else can I ask for?

I noticed how much I’d love to have a companion during this time and because of this, I’ve decided to get a dog after my trip to London.

I am proud of the growth that I am experiencing. I know that there is still more growth to come and I am ready for it. This is my year for growing and mastering. I will continue to understand myself and my needs and to give out the love and support that I get from others.

I hope you all enjoyed.

This week, I decided to invest in Audible because I want to properly own the Harry Potter audiobooks. When I get like this, they are a huge comfort.

I was also able to begin rereading the Throne of Glass series by Sarah J. Maas who which is my second favorite book series. The writing is beautiful and it’s about a female assassin who loves to read, loves to love and has a puppy! Honestly, she is me if I were white, blonde, Fae, and an assassin. I love her so much. The final book in the series comes out this year and I am so shook.  I’m on the second book Crown of Midnight! HOW DARE IT END!


Young, Black and Anxious

Hello, all!

So, I enjoy writing and discussing my mental health because there is a huge taboo that is placed on it. People get scared or worry about what others may think when it comes to discussing what is going on in their lives. I am not that person though, I went through years of silently struggling and not understanding what was going on me and because of that, I refuse to not talk about the stresses of my life. I feel like discussing mental health issues not only helps me but it can help other people who are feeling what I’m feeling or going through a similar experience. I am striving to help others and myself when I write these posts. I just want you all to know that while discussing all this. I will continue to make moves in understanding myself and ensuring that I have a happy and successful life. That being said…

I skipped a week of blogging because I had a lot going on that made me very anxious. I spent most days feeling anxious and then I had panic attacks in class. It was horrible. I never qualified myself as a person with anxiety because I compared my experience to other people and figured that since I wasn’t like that person, then I did not have it at all. I knew that I felt anxiety sometimes but it was never frequent.

However, in the last two weeks, I had anxiety or panic attacks almost every day. Sometimes, I thought it was asthma because I felt it in my chest but then I noticed I felt this jittery energy going through my arms and to my hands and I started shaking. I felt this in class most times and I was too afraid to move. I had battles with myself about whether or not I should stay in class, feeling like I had an audience to all of my anxiety or force myself up. My stress was that everyone would watch me go and that the teachers would not only note how silent I was in class but also that I got up in their class.

I found myself trying to jot down everything that could be causing it and breathing deeply but nothing helped until I finally left the room and sat down outside. I’d call or text someone close to me and go on social media to help me calm down. I either sat still and breathed or walked around the floor trying to grasp at my things of comfort like Doctor Who, Harry Potter, music, The Raven Cycle or another book to read.

After my first panic attack in class, I texted my roommates while I was out and one of them called the counseling center on campus and made me an appointment. When I went, the woman calmed me down and told me that there was an anxiety group on campus and said that I should join. This group gives tools to practice to calm anxiety and to better manage it. I started going and it has been great. I know what started the anxiety for me and now that my concerns have passed, I hope to be able to handle things better. I was behind in my work and started getting really impulsive while trying to calm whatever was boiling inside me.

Throughout my anxious moments, I kept thinking about being a black woman with anxiety. I had a teacher who picked on me simply because he thought I had an attitude and didn’t do the reading when in reality, I was sitting there trying to keep still my shaking hands and firmly holding crystals, praying they’d ground me. Hoping that they’d steady me and that my teacher would not choose me. I vocalized my anxiety with my teachers because otherwise, it’s perceived as rude.

I’ve heard so many stories from anxious black girls who tried so hard to hold in those anxious feelings because everyone will see you as a “man black woman”, the black girl with an attitude. It’s so destructive having to hold in those feelings. Holding in those feelings is what brings up anxiety again.

As a black girl, I spent so long holding things in that I don’t even notice it. For the first few panic attacks, I didn’t even know why it was happening. I thought it was just a freak moment because all the crazy things that happened to me wasn’t affecting me. I just kept taking hits and thinking nothing was hitting me and then I just started feeling it all.

The experience really makes me want to move forward being more positive. I want to be softer on myself because I would get annoyed with myself for all the anxiety I was feeling. I’m going to keep going to therapy and going to my anxiety group. I started a bullet journal to keep me focused and I’ve gained a new approach to the story I’ve been writing for the past 3-4 years. Lol. I’m feeling pretty optimistic. I’m still nervous about it happening again. I will implement all that I’ve been learning about myself and what my body needs. I stopped drinking to help me process things better. I feel like, during this time, I need a clear head so that I don’t fall farther down the hole.

Thanks for reading!

Recommendations are:

I wrote this post while bumping into this fucking gem. I can’t wait to watch Black Panther this weekend! Fuck yes

2. The Diviners by Libba Bray. It’s about the occult. It’s all about that spooky paranormal business while also uncovering a mystery! It’s so well written. I’m already ready to read book 2 and 3. SOOO GOOD!

My Birth Control Story

Hello, loves.

*I don’t want this to be a Birth Control horror story, the pill definitely helps me get through my everyday life because otherwise, I’d be miserable every day. I just want to tell my journey and you all can make your choices as you go along.*

This is a post that I’ve wanted to do for a long while because it’s so important to me. Cramps have obviously been something that I’ve been dealing with for years. Most of the times, my cramps were fine but there were some months where I’d throw up before school or damn near faint in the train. It was horrible because I didn’t really know what was happening to me. I’d just feel horrible one day and I hated it.

But about two years ago, I decided to try out birth control again. I’ve tried the shot and hated it because my hormones were crazy. I had no period for two months then a period for an entire month. I hated it so much. I tried the nuva ring and that was just weird. I have a friend who lost it in her vagina. Hell. No. I finally decided that getting an IUD would be the best choice because it’s long lasting. So, in August before going away to school, I got it.

And it was fucking horrible. Here is a video of how it was after. It’s a long story but the short version is, I almost fucking fainted.

Anyways, it’s expected that three months into having it, you will have cramps and discomfort. I was prescribed naproxen. Like hella strong ones. I had months of insane cramps and every doctor told me that they were normal one of them gave me the pill because I started bleeding and I wasn’t supposed to be bleeding with the IUD. She gave me Azurette which is a combination pill with progestin and estrogen to stop the bleeding. I continued taking the pill because it was supposed to help.

I had the worst cramps last year in January where I literally couldn’t get up from the floor. My friend had to come and get me off the floor. That night, I scheduled an appointment at Planned Parenthood to get it out. I was still on the Azurette pill so I decided to continue taking those.

Even after the IUD was taking out, I still had horrible cramps and after a while, I changed my pill to Amethyst which is a pill that stops the period. I have cramps before during and after my period now. It’s not a constant thing where every single day I get there but there are some weeks where I get cramps every day and take painkillers to calm them down.

The reason I’m so determined now to make this post is that the last week of December, I slipped up with the pill. I couldn’t get the next pack of pills because of some confusion that I won’t get into. With that, I thought about being off the pill and seeing how things would be without it. Before I tried it, I decided to try the Patch. I tried it for a week and said: “fuck it”.

I was off all birth control for like two weeks and then I had my period and it was horrible. I wanted to punch everyone and lay in bed with my heating pad and to be drugged the fuck up. The first day I knew I was going right back on the pill.

Personally, periods are not for me. Sometimes I miss it because I love being a woman. Plain and simple but I hate that for me, it’s not consistent. One day its normal and the next, I can’t get out of bed. my days are far too busy for me to stop doing things for a week. Plus, NO PREGNANCY!

I can hardly afford my damn self. I definitely don’t want a child too. That is not for me rn. I’ll definitely have a dog first!

Let me know how your journey was. I’m curious. IUD works fine for my sisters but it was the worst for me. Granted, she is a mother so maybe that’s why.

I will be making weekly vlogs in February so keep a look out!

See ya!