Hello, blogging world!
It’s been two weeks but it feels like I haven’t written anything in months! London has changed my entire perspective and I’ve been trying to put all these feelings I have into words.
I spent these weeks trying to figure out what kind of post I should write up. I was hoping to have a solitary theme per post. Like one blog filled with inspiration and another filled with my confusions of life. I wanted to start a health post and one where I talk about bullet journaling. I had all these ideas but every time I tried to write it out, everything just faltered.
I feel like I’m in a place of limbo. There are so many new things that I need to figure out on my own. I feel like I’m fighting for my desires and reality. Fiction or nonfiction. I want so badly for things to go as I’d like. I want to be an amazing academic student where I don’t struggle in my classes. I want to trust myself, my choices and my surroundings. I tend to enjoy hearing the input of others and use that to decide on my choices but I find myself in a place where everything is solely up to me.
The thought that my life and my choices are all mines is exciting and also terrifying. In my 22 years of living, I tried to do everything I could to not be hurt or affected the way I heard other people did. When I saw someone getting their heart broken because the person they gave their heart to betrayed them. I chose to not put myself in their shoes. I told myself not to give my heart up because, why would I want to see myself hurt?
I feel like I took the “easier” path. I didn’t want to continue with school but I was swayed because I couldn’t think of what I’d do without school. I was scared and even though I hate school and the pressure of it tends to put me in dark places. I continued.
The scariest thought for me is the unknown. Not knowing what the future will hold and hoping beyond hope that things will go the way you want it. When I can’t see a direct path, I get so unnerved. With school, I know that in the end, I’ll get a degree but I have no idea that if I just took off to write if I’d get any success. If I gave my heart up to anyone, even my friends, will it end and if so, will I get hurt?
I’ve been noticing this big wall that I’ve built around myself. I keep wondering how I break it down a bit in order to move forward and to let new things in. I just get so scared that with change and the unknown, I will get hurt.
I tend to compare my journey with others or if I’m in a weird place where I need to make a choice, I’d ask around, google it, doing research on something that can’t be controlled.
All this to say, this limbo I’m in has put me in a place where I want to change. I want to focus on myself and my greater goal. I want to make moves on the life I desire. My first step is going to therapy, my next step is giving myself a taste of this writer’s lifestyle that I desire. I want to join a novel writing class and have a writing-related internship. I want to start allowing myself to reach for things that I feel are unattainable and grow. I want to allow myself to have setbacks and just move past them. I’m so tired of being so scared to move forward.
Oh and updates and recommendations!
I quit my job. In two weeks, I’ll be done and then there will be this big festival on campus which I will use to celebrate.
I want to try out being vegan. I want to have a huge dinner with my friends first an then I want to try it out
Money Heist on Netflix. IT’S SO GOOD AND PART TWO JUST CAME OUT!
Buy yourself some books! I bought Before the Devil Breaks You by Libba Bray. Book three of The Diviners series and I love it so much!. Obsidio by Amie Kaufman and Jay Kristoff book three of Illuminae. It’s the final book and I am excited to see how it all ends and last but DEFINITELY not least, Children of Blood and Bone by Tomi Adeyemi. When reading the description, it reminded me of my favorite book series Throne of Glass by Sarah J. Maas. Which is so exciting because I can get swept away into a mystical world where people look like me and have myths that have people who look like me. With names difficult to pronounce and HAIR. This book excited me so much because it’s so hard to find books in my favorite genre that has people of color. It’s even harder finding them as the main character of the story! Maybe I’ll do a post on that. Let me know if you’ll be into it.
Live for yourself. Trying and move away from depressive habits. Mine is consuming. Buying things, eating, drinking. I just take the whole world and shove it down my throat without a single thought