Okay, so… let me explain!
I wrote in a previous post about having to “break up” with a great friend and love. At the time, I felt like I had all my shit together. I felt like dumping a friend and moving forward was super easy and I felt like I really had it but then all of a sudden sadness hit me.
I was wondering how life would be with that friend in it and moping around about hypotheticals, I’m a REALLY SAPPY bitch. The first Friday back to school, I tried “drinking my feelings”. I was screaming to the entire campus about my sadness, taking shots of vodka, tequila, rum. I gave zero fucks about the next day. I wanted to go big because my feelings were hurt.
The next day, I felt like shit. obviously.
I thought that if I hydrated then I’d feel better.
That didn’t help. I laid in bed with my head spinning and wishing it would end. I was finally able to eat by the end of the night. Then I had work the next day for five hours.
I’m only mentioning all this so that you all can see my mistake and the gravity of it so that my next moves would make sense.
While at work, I finally had time to think without my head spinning. I noted how unhealthy my actions were. For me, a child of alcoholics, I go straight to drinking when I am hurting. Especially when my feelings get her. I wallow in every bad way possible. I eat food that’s bad for me and just all around sad.
It wasn’t until I had a session with my therapist that it finally clicked in my brain why I was behaving like this.
I have issues with my self-image. My father was an abuser to my sisters and me. We were constantly told that we weren’t good enough. I feel like it stuck with me. When I have issues in my relationships where I begin to feel like I’m not good enough, I lash out and start treating myself as such. I think it’s why I have such a hard time living a healthy lifestyle, it’s because a part of me doesn’t see myself as worthy of a healthy lifestyle.
I seriously hope that because I now have a conscious thought, I can now start caring for myself the way I deserve.
The thing is, I spent years not feeling like I was good enough in moments but still forcing myself to push through and keep moving forward.
“Like so what I am missing this relationship, I still have to stick to a blogging schedule.”
Then my blogging schedule will be fucked up (as it has been), and then I will still be sad about this heartbreak and not writing up my posts.
Let me clarify. This heartache I’m feeling, I don’t take the time to be patient and gentle with myself because I would feel like I am both not good enough and “strong” enough to get through it without taking time to sort out my feelings.
When it comes to my feelings, I have this idea that these feelings will go away quickly. I feel that even discussing it with some friends, it would be too annoying to complain so these feelings should end fast.
I’m finding it more and more important to be more gentle with myself. Reminding myself of how precious I am. I want to call myself “babe” and give myself patience and love because I deserve that!
My favorite thing about this year is all that I’ve been learning about myself and all the growth that is happening. I notice how much I’ve been changing.
I am not so excited about changing how I see and handle myself. I want to be handled with care by everyone around me but it all starts with myself.
Watch Doctor Who & do an MCU binge
Do your work on weekends so you can chill all weekend
Don’t drink your feelings. Just learn how to get through it. Write letters to lost loves and take a bath or something.