Sunday Blues… I guess

Hey! 

I wanted to write something quick in the hopes to get over this bit of anxiety I’m feeling. So, damn near a month ago, I went to the doctor because I had months of constantly being tired. She did some bloodwork and the results say that it could indicate some kind of autoimmune disease. My doctor is stressing that she cannot tell me what it is over the phone and instead told me to schedule a doctor’s appointment.

I JUST went back to school which is two hours away and it is the busiest semester because it’s my senior year. I told her I wouldn’t be able to come in until the end of the month and she told me to wait until the end of the month and come in.

I have been stressed about this for weeks now!

Not only am I still feeling the same side effects butI’m also trying to get all my shit done!

I feel like I’m better at complaining about this vocally than writing. I should really get back into making videos.

I’ve been looking up my results and googling them. I went to a doctor on campus hoping she would give me info but literally sat there while she googled everything I did. Lol.

I am upset because I had to wait this long speculating and thinking about the worst case scenario. Did she not think I’d be worried about having some kind of disease from the results? That’s just ridiculous. Even in the results, It said that it could indicate SLE or drug-induced Lupus.

I swear there is nothing that woman could say to me that would make me feel like her silence was okay.

When it comes to my health! I feel like I deserve to be told what is wrong at the earliest convenience. If it’s something big or something small or something that needs more research. I should be told. Especially because I’m away at school and the thought of having a disease is constantly on my mind.

The thing is though, I knew something was wrong and as serious as an autoimmune disease is, I’d rather be told that I had it and learned of a way to feel better than being told that absolutely nothing is wrong with me.

When I tell people what’s going on, they always pray that it’s nothing but I think I’d hate that more. That would mean that this constant fatigue that is getting in the way of getting my work done and fucking up my focus is just all in my head. I feel like that’s worse.

I’ve gone to the doctor’s complaining about joint pain and they would say it’s “growing pains”. I found myself in so much pain that I refused to work out because it just hurt. They never gave me anything to help sort things out. I was just in pain to just be in pain.

Now I know that yoga does help with my joint pain but it’s still frustrating being in pain. You know? I wake up and get out of bed, landing on achy ankles. I try typing my homework or blog posts and my wrists begin to hurt. I want to find solutions to my body problems instead of being told that it’s just how my body is and feeling like it could be something more.

I went on a tangent. I’d say sorry but this is my stream of conscious blog post.

On Wednesday, I will be finally heading home and seeing my doctor. I am super nervous for the appointment but I also want to see what’s up. I will put up another post that night at work if I hear anything substantial.

This post is kinda just for me to have as a memory. I’m posting it just so that I can log this for future Djenne! 

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8 thoughts on “Sunday Blues… I guess

  1. Waiting is hard, waiting for MD results is insanity. I remember having to wait 2 weeks for lab results, and the wait another 2 for biopsy results. In the end, there was no cancer. Im quite sure tge anxiety from waiting took yrs off my life added some silver streaks to my head. Only resolution is patience, hard but it true. Nothing will make those results come faster unless you bribe the lab tech 😂. I joke but its probably something Id consider in my rafom thoughts.

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    1. I’mreally considering it! Some nurse assistants called and said they’d tell me about my results but in the end, my doctor told them not to and for me to just come into the office. I am SUPER stressed out. I just can’t wait for my appointment. I feel like I’ve been teased with my health information.

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      1. I know you’re right. I just have so much work to get done before Wednesday and I’m low key fighting off anxiety. It’ll be fine. I know it. I’m just nervous. Also, it feels great talking so someone who isn’t in my immediate social group about this so thanks for commenting!

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