What’s been going on?

Howdy homies!

Here is my sad story.

So around 15 or 14, I went to my very first therapist appointment. I went because my father punched me in the face.

This wasn’t the first time, my father is an alcoholic and when he drinks, he gets very aggressive. My siblings and I would be told how useless and ugly we are and we’d get beaten up and the day after, he wouldn’t remember, nor would he apologize for what he’s put us through.

There have been times after a big fight where my mom would say we’d move out and live away from him.

As a child, I’d hear my parents argue all the time, I’d think of which parent I’d like to live with.

It was always my mom because she actually knows how to run a home but my father knew how to buy toys so I figured I’d just visit him. I had it all planned out with my sister but it never happened. My parents stayed together and fought each other every step of the way. My father would drink, my mom, who was exhausted from her own physical and mental health issues. She’d refuse to join in conflicts with my dad and when he’d argue with me or one of my sisters, my mother would tell us to just listen to all of his horrible words and just take it.

So much of my childhood was trying to be convinced by my mom and myself that it was okay for someone to speak to me and treat me that way.

My parents often felt like because they supplied financial security, it was okay for us to endure that kind of abuse. Dad would always brush off every one of our problems and concerns because he and my mother worked and we were in good schools and always fed and clothed. Neither of my parents would admit their wrongdoings or that there needed to be changed within our home.

My older sister finally had enough, she was tired of seeing her baby sisters getting abused so she began sending us to therapy. I remember going to solo therapy and group therapy with my sister and other kids who were abused.

My dad had to come in on a session of my solo therapy when I was maybe 15 or so and I remember him trying to blame me for being a teenager instead of taking accountability for his choices as an adult

I remember there was an ACS case for the family and my mother trying to guilt me for filing something against my father. They ordered him to go to AA meetings but he never went and it was never followed up.

I spent more years of fighting on holidays and being told how ugly and worthless I was and I started to believe it. In high school, I told myself not to try dating people. The books that I read had characters who seemed so put together and didn’t have all this baggage and trauma.

I believed that without all these damn issues would make it easier to fall for me.

I closed my mind and my heart to the idea that I’d actually find a love for myself. I decided to stay away from it all. To just go to therapy and find my way in life. I told myself in the beginning that I was just choosing myself but in the end, I was just too scared to get in anything. I thought I’d destroy any relationship I got into because I’d be abusive and alcoholic like my father. Maybe I’d had an inability to be affectionate because I never grew up with that. I had so many ideas that stuck with me for so long.

Starting from last year, I told myself that I’d actively find a love for myself, I’d actually put myself out there. I truly, truly tried but I did spend most of this year stuck in “love” with a guy who wasn’t interested in me at all.

I’m back out here and trying but all those years of putting myself down, get in my head.

I’ve decided that along with reminding myself of my worth, I will also do research on how my childhood could affect my adulthood. I chose to avoid all of that research but if I found self-help books I can not only educate myself but also learn how to become more successful in my day to day life.

Being a child of so much abuse is so hard. I second guess everything I do. I am constantly anxious and hoping I operate like a normal human being because who else has to deal with this kind of bullshit? I feel like I’ve been putting my experiences ahead of everything around me. Thinking I am somehow debilitated because of my past.

Things shall be sorted out eventually but for now, I’m gonna sit and sort out my shit.

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Rosa Parks episode on Doctor Who

So, I really want to get into the new Doctor on Doctor Who because I love the idea that the future is female and I know that it is. Women are so amazing and we are breaking fucking ceilings!

My issues are that when having a  female doctor, the doctor being a man for centuries. How does she immediately become this whole weird feminist puppy with softy eyes? The changing development of each doctor makes some sort of sense, 11 got young and was all happy and adventurous after losing Rose. Then we get 12 who is old and angry because he had so many loses and he was quite tired.

I don’t like the depiction of the character. I feel like the writers could have done better because they warped her into a feminist instead of a damn person.

I don’t feel like there is really a feminist trope for strong female characters. Hear me out, okay? They group with other female characters and gather as feminine softies instead of just being people.

The doctor is going through time and space discovering more and more powerful woman and they’re fangirling and teaming up which is wasting the damn show. I feel like Doctor Who right now is just showing other strong women in different areas in time and space instead of just being hella geeked out. The other Doctors were able to explore time and space and had their own direct storylines but for 13, she doesn’t get that courtesy, women need to stand for women and that is that. It’s totally boring. Politics are super interesting and Doctor Who has put in social issues in the past and its what I love about this show but I don’t feel like that is being done for this season.

They did Rosa Parks so wrong, Doctor Who, being the show that it is, they could have done a better job with Rosa Parks.

First of all, the whole Rosa Parks thing was staged, the woman who actually did it was Claudette Colvin. She did it first and Rosa Parks reenacted it, go look it up!
(there are two links there btw). They could have revealed the actual story, the Claudette Colvin deserves a widely known story. Why didn’t they do their research? Look shit up.

Also, why are all the bad guys men? or at least that’s what I noticed.
Also, that man who got pregnant in episode 5, The Tsuranga Conundrum but didn’t want to keep his kid because he couldn’t handle it and needed men to be with him while he gave birth? Fucking boring! I just feel like the writers aren’t thinking big enough.

Cuffing Season?

Howdy!!!!

I’m back! College is hard especially when you overthink every step you take. I am trying not to. I am processing, I will post about that soon…. hopefully! I make no promises.

*This post is from a cis bi person who enjoys monogamous relationships

Anyway, I have this friend, I will name him Johny for this post. We love Johny, Johny is the homie but Johny has so many hard times with relationships and sometimes Johny is a bit snarky with the conversation of love and all of its excitements!

Today we had a conversation about both of our interest in dating people, mine for commitment and him for sex. lol.

He told me that no matter what person I’m interested in, I am guaranteed to get them simply because it’s cuffing season.

Now, I swear I am so behind on the whole dating scene because I refused to date due to my childhood trauma (hahaha, you’ll find out in a later post). I’m at a point where I am determined to forgo that belief and to move forward into a healthier and happy life with another person one day.

Now with all that hope, you could understand why I’m a bit sketchy about the whole cuffing season thing.

Do people purposely get into “cuffing season” relationships? Like, do people voluntarily mixed themselves up with people during the cold seasons only to drop them in the future? Just so that they don’t have to be alone? For a body to cuddle with?

Honestly, that sounds fucking SAD. Full shadeeee!

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Might as well find a continuous fuck buddy with the knowledge that nothing will come of it. Like why not walk into a relationship and say, “I just want someone who physically gives me comfort during these cold months. Are you down?

Otherwise, by the time, Valentine’s Day comes around one or both of you are skirting around the possibilities and knowing that both of you will end things soon.

I feel like it’s such a high school concept, the cuffing season, 4 or 5 months of a fake relationship. Aren’t relationships supposed to made of connecting with people and growth and understanding and all that happy shit? What do you even do in a “cuffing season” relationship?

According to the internet, you don’t invite them to hang out with friends or family. Do you even get all those cute moments at the beginning of a relationship? No, because you’re mostly cuddled in PJ’s and doing nothing but Netflix and sex.

If anyone could tell me the value of a “cuffing season” relationship, I’d be all ears but that all sounds crazy to me. There are relationships that are openly nonmonogamous or not long term but those are discussed in the beginning. If you follow the dating season calendar, you’d be back on the market by summer. Might as well stick with someone until it all fizzles out.

Oh… the stupidity. Just get a heated blanket or a weighted one and go on a meditation retreat and find yourself.

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Anyways, new posts coming up soon! Look out, loves!<3