What’s been going on?

Howdy homies!

Here is my sad story.

So around 15 or 14, I went to my very first therapist appointment. I went because my father punched me in the face.

This wasn’t the first time, my father is an alcoholic and when he drinks, he gets very aggressive. My siblings and I would be told how useless and ugly we are and we’d get beaten up and the day after, he wouldn’t remember, nor would he apologize for what he’s put us through.

There have been times after a big fight where my mom would say we’d move out and live away from him.

As a child, I’d hear my parents argue all the time, I’d think of which parent I’d like to live with.

It was always my mom because she actually knows how to run a home but my father knew how to buy toys so I figured I’d just visit him. I had it all planned out with my sister but it never happened. My parents stayed together and fought each other every step of the way. My father would drink, my mom, who was exhausted from her own physical and mental health issues. She’d refuse to join in conflicts with my dad and when he’d argue with me or one of my sisters, my mother would tell us to just listen to all of his horrible words and just take it.

So much of my childhood was trying to be convinced by my mom and myself that it was okay for someone to speak to me and treat me that way.

My parents often felt like because they supplied financial security, it was okay for us to endure that kind of abuse. Dad would always brush off every one of our problems and concerns because he and my mother worked and we were in good schools and always fed and clothed. Neither of my parents would admit their wrongdoings or that there needed to be changed within our home.

My older sister finally had enough, she was tired of seeing her baby sisters getting abused so she began sending us to therapy. I remember going to solo therapy and group therapy with my sister and other kids who were abused.

My dad had to come in on a session of my solo therapy when I was maybe 15 or so and I remember him trying to blame me for being a teenager instead of taking accountability for his choices as an adult

I remember there was an ACS case for the family and my mother trying to guilt me for filing something against my father. They ordered him to go to AA meetings but he never went and it was never followed up.

I spent more years of fighting on holidays and being told how ugly and worthless I was and I started to believe it. In high school, I told myself not to try dating people. The books that I read had characters who seemed so put together and didn’t have all this baggage and trauma.

I believed that without all these damn issues would make it easier to fall for me.

I closed my mind and my heart to the idea that I’d actually find a love for myself. I decided to stay away from it all. To just go to therapy and find my way in life. I told myself in the beginning that I was just choosing myself but in the end, I was just too scared to get in anything. I thought I’d destroy any relationship I got into because I’d be abusive and alcoholic like my father. Maybe I’d had an inability to be affectionate because I never grew up with that. I had so many ideas that stuck with me for so long.

Starting from last year, I told myself that I’d actively find a love for myself, I’d actually put myself out there. I truly, truly tried but I did spend most of this year stuck in “love” with a guy who wasn’t interested in me at all.

I’m back out here and trying but all those years of putting myself down, get in my head.

I’ve decided that along with reminding myself of my worth, I will also do research on how my childhood could affect my adulthood. I chose to avoid all of that research but if I found self-help books I can not only educate myself but also learn how to become more successful in my day to day life.

Being a child of so much abuse is so hard. I second guess everything I do. I am constantly anxious and hoping I operate like a normal human being because who else has to deal with this kind of bullshit? I feel like I’ve been putting my experiences ahead of everything around me. Thinking I am somehow debilitated because of my past.

Things shall be sorted out eventually but for now, I’m gonna sit and sort out my shit.

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