Late Night Entry

I feel like my openness with my mental health is often viewed as a form of weakness. Many moments, when I speak about my mental health issues, there are people who believe I’m using it as a clutch. As an excuse for me not to get a job or not to get a date. People close to me, who have never experienced the issues I’ve experienced see it as a way for me keep holding myself back and because of this, they feel like it is their place to give me some tough love which has always made me feel like an outsider within my own home.

Within my immediate family, I am the only one who is queer and also deals with persistent depression. There are so many things that I experience or feelings that I have that I do not express because I know that no one will understand or even try to understand. I constantly feel dismissed within my own home. When queer couples appear on TV or even when I simply tell someone that my feelings are hurt, it is always buried under the opinions of the majority in the household.

I love using my voice on my social media platforms in order to connect with other people who also feel like their voices are buried. 

I want nothing more than to be heard and understood and I hate that that is such a hard thing for people to do. Even when their your loved ones.

I often feel broken and damaged because I just don’t go through life the way my family does. I find myself wishing that I were different. That I could go get the job, the date, the apartment I want as soon as I speak it up but it’s hard. It’s so hard when I don’t want to get out of bed or I think of all of the thoughts and opinions of other or the many different outcomes. It makes me just want to stay put. 

It’s so easy for someone to say that I should just follow my heart and stop worrying and stop stressing BUT DOING IT IS SO FUCKING HARD!!! I would have done it already if I could. Your words are no help! 

I just want to be heard!!!

There are many things that I want in life and I know that I will get it. It will just need to take some time and some compassion from those around me that I love.

I often feel like I drag everyone down with any mention of me or my wants and desires and it’s really a miserable way to live. I’m just being honest. I constantly feel like I need to be a better sister, daughter, aunt, friend. 

I just don’t know how to get over this feeling. Mental illness is a whole ass trip and it’s not that easy to just get over. Please be compassionate to people. Listen to them. Really and truly listen to what people need. Especially the people that you love. I don’t want anyone I love to feel like they aren’t loved.

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