I am so fucking sad I am kinda numb. Life has been a bit of a hurricane that I have been trying to contain but maybe I shouldn’t? I don’t know.
My best friend Mariam Gallier has died and I have no fucking idea why or what the fuck happened because there is a police investigation and her mother has been ghosting me. I would appreciate more information about her and her life leading up to her death but no such luck.
Mariam and I were the kind of friends who were soulmates all throughout high school and then a bit after and then we because two very different sides of the same coin. We used to always be on the same page but then we became opposites. But she and I still had love for each other. Did I get mad at her sometimes? YES! But god did I love that girl. She was the first actual best friend I ever had. We would go to barnes and nobles after school and find stacks of books to sit and read and see what we would buy. She and I were huge foodies and would find new food places to explore. Doctor who lovers, comic readers and we could tell each other absolutely anything. She was a phenomenal and loving person and the inspiration for the novel I have been writing for six years.
She and I were talking one night and thought about how cool it would be to be in a society where getting tattoos wouldn’t stop you from getting a job or living a great life and then we thought that it would also be cool if these tattoos could show you who your soulmate was (because we were also obsessed with soulmates).
I know I am rambling but I am grieving!
She was my rock when I was kicked out of my parent’s house and while I was dealing with my alcoholic and abusive father. She was always there for me and made my heart melt. I was there for her amid family issues and etc. As friends do and I will always be grateful for her and her love. I am so happy that I was loved by such an amazing person and this just hurts so much that I will continue living a life where people I know and love will not know her. My kids will not meet their aunt Mariam which breaks my freaking heart.
I hate that while dealing with this pain, I also have to deal with this damn virus. I know that it may sound selfish but can you go away while I grieve because now my anxiety is going up the walls to the point that I feel nothing and then I speak about my shit and then my world just tumbles down.
To get through all this junk, I am trying not to guilt myself about the things I do or don’t want to do. I just want to roll in a ball and run and be left alone. I am a ball of scrambling emotions and I have no idea what to do with it but to just roll with the stupid punches.
I also do not want to go back to my stupid ass job as a stupid barista. I love my coworkers but I do not like the work. I want to work doing things that I enjoy instead of feeling miserable at work, too tired to write after. It just sucks.
I need money to pay off my bills because I have no side money and a bunch of bills to pay. I hate working at that damned place. I want to figure out a way for me to start making money while doing something I love so I am going to start sending out queries for my novel. I figure it is a good time to start putting myself out there and maybe it would help out my anxiety and stress during this time because I don’t even know what else I am supposed to do.
I am also so sensitive and vulnerable right now. I feel like a walking and talking opened wound. This feels incredibly shitty and I just want to be wrapped up in someone’s arms like a baby until I feel less, vulnerable.
I think I am going to leave it here. It is late and I am drained. Tomorrow is her memorial and I have no idea how I am going to handle it.
I am going to start posting old drafts for the story I am writing. The story I have is completely different now but I think it would be nice to look at my old drafts where Mariam was more present in my stories. I am also going to continue my 32 Orchard Street stories to get my head focused on something.
I hope you’re all well and in good health. Wash your hands.