Back in 2018, I often found myself swooning over garbage men and pretending like their horrible behavior was amazing. Though I identified as bisexual, I was still too afraid to date women.
I mean, I still am.
Approaching or asking out a woman or non-binary person feel scarier than asking out a man.
I used to tie my worth to whether or not a man liked me (trust me, admitting it now is kind of embarrassing.) I basked in male attention, even when it was toxic and horrible and all of my best friends reminded me over and over how trash and horrible these dudes were, I found myself so in love with my imagined version of them.
It took until I was incredibly hung over and some boring and annoying gemini came over and I ended up sitting in my own bed with a migraine, rubbing this man’s back (trust, you don’t want to know why) and arguing with him about a marvel movie he didn’t even see that I realized that I didn’t like this life for me.
I didn’t like jumping from guy to guy and having each experience be excruciating. Every time I had any kind of relationship with a man, it was always disappointing. EVERY SINGLE TIME.
So I decided I would just take time away from dating as a whole. I was too afraid to ask date a woman/nb and men were just boring so I decided I wouldn’t date or be intimate with anyone else we had a genuine connection and I actually felt appreciated in the relationship.
Within the first month or two, I found myself staying up at night and looking up “wlw, sapphic, wlw art, sapphic art, wlwoc, sapphics of color etc.” I was devouring queer content like no tomorrow soon after I decided to stop being with men. I watched every gay tv show/movie, I kept looking up more and more info to educate myself. It wasn’t like I wasn’t gay before because I very much was. I just allowed myself to fully explore a new part of myself and I freaking LOVED it!
It was late one of those nights where I found the Lesbian MasterDoc. At that point, I found myself being super grossed out by men and the idea of being in any kind of relationship with a men grossed me out. I’d try and imagine the perfect man in my head and even that made me wonder if it was worth it.
I read the Lesbian MasterDoc around the time I started dating again, late 2019. I went on a date with this guy who I thought was amazing. We had so much in common and I was excited for the date. We met up and went to my favorite vegan restaurant and he was super open minded and didn’t overly sexualize me when I told him I was bi(when I came out to my male best friend back in high school, his immediate response was, “that’s hot”).
By the end of our dinner, he said a friend of his was DJing at a party and I was so excited, I decided to go.
I should also mention that before this date, I’d already told my friends that I didn’t really see myself with a man but if I did, id have to have an open relationship so that I can still date women/nbs. When I thought of being in a long term relationship with a man and never being with anyone else but him was a bit much. One of my friends very gently asked me if I could possibly be a lesbian and I was a bit shocked by her statement because I didn’t once think of identifying as a lesbian. Lesbians seemed like a word occupied by skinny white women and I am a thick black woman. Identifying as a lesbian felt so strange so when she asked me that I was taken aback.
Back to that party, we arrived and sat at the bar. I was excited because they had mulled wine and mulled wine is my FAVORITE! He paid for everything which was nice. After maybe one and a half drinks, he was staring at me. He just kept staring at me and fucking smiling. That smile haunts me. It was such a creepy smile. He would smile and then stop and then smile and then stop and then try and talk to me over the loud ass music and at one point, he had the audacity to say that I looked like I wanted to kiss him. I was so confused because I was sitting these playing a drinking game with the amount of time he smiled at me and while my grain screamed at me questioning if I was a lesbian.
A friend of mine from my middle school days happened to work there and showed up for his shift. I was praying that he would see just how uncomfortable I was and get me out of there but no, he just assumed I was on a hot date with a Capricorn man (me and this other guy in middle school was like the Beyonce and Jay-Z– no cheating of our grade. I know I am being over dramatic but just let me feel like Beyonce for one.. okay? My little Jay-Z was a Capricorn and some people from middle school make jokes as if we will still end up together now… we don’t even talk. I think they just ask me these dumb ass questions… anyways!)
I chugged my third and final drink and rush to the bathroom. I text my friends and tell them about this creepy man with his creepy smile and that I kissed him just to make him stop smiling and that I thought I was a lesbian I am still so confused as to why people date men. That was such a weird date.
After I made it hime, drunk, safe and grossed out. I told every woman I knew about the date to see if it was normal and what I should do. Most people said that I was the weird one and that I should go on another date with him… so I did but first, I told him that I felt uncomfortable being physically affectionate with people I didn’t know. That was the lie I told myself to go on another date with him. He apologized for his creepiness and then we went on date number two. On date number two, he KEPT trying to hold my hand. He kept trying to touch me even after I told him how I felt and then was mad at me for the last 30 minutes of the date because I told him that I didn’t like that.
And that concludes my dating men.
After that, I read the lesbian masterdoc a few times, shared it with friends, freaked out in excitement and a bit of panic and spent the entire 2020 coming to terms with being a lesbian(then had a mini panic about gender that was quickly sorted out by using she/they pronouns). I feel totally fine not dating men. Especially when I hear about the dumb shit men do. I am so grateful.
If anyone wants to date my gay ass, please do.
If you are wondering if you are gay in some way, please read the doc to figure it out. If you find that you are straight, let me know too because I have been trying to get a straight person to read the doc and see how they feel after reading it.