I have spent the past few years trying to put myself back in order. Astrologers have said Capricorns have been going through it and I can confirm. I feel like I have been taking hit after hit and all while still living in a space that constantly brings so much stress and pain.
People have said that you cant heal where you’ve been hurt and that has stuck with me. While staying in this house, I often have flashes of memories that bring me right back to an old and vulnerable place.
I recently had a moment where I realized that I haven’t been told by anyone that they were proud of me. I love telling people that I am proud of them because I am, I have friends and family members that I can see struggle but are working so hard to get to where they are going and it gives me pride but realizing that I have never heard it for myself, I started to wonder why not and why it means so much to me.
I started wondering if the people in my life value or cherish me. If they can see my struggles and see me pushing forward or if they just see me as determined to suffer and stay the same. What, for them is a measure of my success– what would it take for me to be valued in their eyes. Now as to why it matters so much to me– my dad would always tell me that an A wasn’t enough. getting an A on a test I worked hard on wasn’t cause for any celebration but a reason for me to work harder and after a while, I gave up. I never liked school but I worked hard because I hoped I would be more valuable to my family if I did well and they didn’t seem to care.
I gave up in school due to lack of acknowledgment and without realizing it, I wonder if I gave up moving forward in my life because of lack of acknowledgment.
That thought really annoyed me– I can’t control what people around me say or do. I can’t control their responses and altering my life and refusing to pursue certain goals because of what they do or don’t say is a horrible way to live.
While working on any project in my life, whether it’s my writing, blogging, making videos, or getting fit again. I criticize myself mid-project because I worry about what people will think. Maybe no one will like these characters, this video, this post. Maybe when I get to the gym, people will judge my weight or my lack of gym knowledge, or even when it comes to eating right for my body, I worry that if I eat vegan or pescatarian then my family will judge my eating habits and think I am being a snob.
My body and my life aren’t where I want them to be because I am constantly hoping to be accepted and valued by others. I grew up in a big family with a narcissistic father. I was constantly told that I was too much and not enough at the same time so I just lived my life trying to be neutral and accepted.
And now that I have come to terms with it, I will be spending this month and the months that follow working on my self-worth, doing things I enjoy, and just really enjoying myself and my life. I no longer want to hold myself back because I am scared that I am too much for others. I want to live the life that I want to live and I also want to look in the mirror and actually see myself– the person I am on the inside. I hate looking at myself and not recognizing myself.
I am beginning this month by getting into blogging again as well as vlogging. I am also really looking forward to challenging myself with my writing and also getting into the gym with a lot more confidence.
In honor of just really being me, I want to finally say that I am a black girl from Brooklyn who loved reading and writing books, I love STEM. I enjoy getting my hair and nails done. I have ADHD and PTSD. I want to begin training for a marathon and also learn how to box and rock climb.
I am ready to get my shit together and find myself once again and I am so grateful to be on this journey.
Here are a few books I’ve read that helped me with my confidence:
This book follows curvy fitness influencer Crystal Chen (don’t be surprised when I start posting my fitness goals in instagram and on here). Crystal Chen meets the hot firefighter Scott Ritchie at her gym, the two of them go through this super cute gym rivalry after Scott takes her favorite squat rack (how rude). this book made me feel more confident about my body, a fitness influencer who is curvy, who spends her time in the gym and works to encourage her followers to go to the gym and to be more confident in their bodies. Crystal learns a lot during this book about loving your body and the body positive movement that was really helpful to my journey. I really recommend this book.
I actually finished reading this book last night and it has encouraged me to go back to my 2019 training for a marathon. This book also reminded me just how much I enjoy blogging.
Britta Colby works for a lifestyle website and wanted to become a writer, she and her coworker are challenged to try two different fitness apps and write about their experiences on the website. Britta signs up for the FitMe app and just so happens to match up with the CEO of the company, Wes Lawson. the two of them get to chatting and find that the best part of their day is speaking to each other through this app and through the journey, Britta learns so much more about fitness and taking better care of her body. I will totally be rereading this book in the future. It was so cute and really inspired me. I am so excited to read everything else Denise Williams writes.
Now the icing on the cake is Savvy Sheldon. the author writes with an amazing use of AAVE. I had text to speech on for most of this book and if the robotic voice of my phone made the AAVE sound authentic then the author did an amazing job and many authors do not do that right.
Savvy, just like me, spends a lot of her time living her life trying to make everyone else happy. She had a crappy boyfriend and a stress filled job and it wasn’t until she gets a big wake up call that she realizes that it’s about time for her to put herself first for her to really start living her life. She goes on a journey where she starts taking better care of herself and really putting herself first in her life. I was able to read the ARC a month or so before it came out and I cannot hype this book up enough. It is so damn good, y’all!