As I am embracing my glow up era, one thing has been coming up over and over again Actually, it has been a reoccurring thought since the pandemic and that is that I have been living my life as the low-maintenance friend.
I have been the friend that will go with the flow, cry alone in my room and then be smily and cracking jokes for friends like 30 minutes after a breakdown. I never wanted to dominate the attention because I know people are going through things and I didn’t want my stuff to get in the way of theirs. I feared taking up too much space and I thought that if I did take up that space then I would lose the people I am close to.
Writing that out made me really see how wild that sounds, I have basically been keeping myself away from making deeper connections and allowing myself to be fully open with people because I am so nervous about what people will say, think or feel about me.
Then I will have nights as I did two months ago where I am alone and sobbing in my room and contemplating the bad thoughts and having no one I feel comfortable with enough to ask for support. Things could have been so bad if I didn’t call that hotline.
I’ve been learning what I need from loving relationships, and what I need to feel valued because lately, I haven’t felt like a priority. I want to feel wanted and cherished and I can’t even blame anyone for their actions because this is the kind of love and affection I have been asking for.
I have years of friendships and I don’t think anyone knows how to comfort me or how to bring me joy or even how to give that love in an authentic way. I think the issue with most people and relationships is the fear of asking for what you want because what if you get denied, or shamed out of whatever it is you love.
my first love language was physical touch but I wasn’t held a lot as a child so now it feels foreign but I truly love touch, I love kisses on the cheek and tight hugs from the people I love which is so crazy because when I did the test back in 2017, that was not the case.
I mean physical touch is still not high up on the list but I feel like this new one really hits. In my last post, I spoke about wanting to hear that my loved ones were proud of me, and after taking this new test, I was like whoaaaa, okay words of affirmation. I really need that quality time too. After losing my best friend in 2020, I really wanted desperately to have someone come over and just sit in my room with me and just spend time with me, order food, and watch movies but I never spoke up, I just accepted things where they were and believed that my friends just can’t give me what I want but I wasn’t asking for what I wanted.
I was expecting my people to read my mind, hoping for someone who will just know how to care for me how I want but not accepting that all relationships require work and conversations. If I want to have the love, support, and acceptance that I want, I have to advocate for it. I need to speak up and ask for what I want.
That also falls into other aspects of my life, in my career, at the gym, in love, etc. I need to actually work for the relationships– the life that I want. It isn’t easy. It is so much easier said than done and I can’t wait to see how my life will be in a year or five.
time for the glow up, relationship edition, I guess.