It’s about time for me to make a comeback. I’ve stopped writing because the only things I’ve been wanting to mention were things that were just a bit too personal.
I wanted to do this whole story about panicking about making new friends and starting a new job and then another about living in the craziness that is my family but I hesitated.
I tend to panic about how much I’m giving to people because some people handle vulnerability with a lot of negativity. Some people will add in their two cents when people just need to express and that’s all I need to do. I need a space to express.
I’m used to making videos and write tons of blog posts about what I was experiencing because it helped. My goal with creating was to share my experiences and make sure people didn’t feel alone like I did.
Growing up, I was made to feel like I was supposed to keep everything to myself. My father would yell at us, hit us, make us feel terrified and we were supposed to head to school the next day or in the next few hours and be social and normal and tell no one what was happening at home.
In my young mind, we were the huxtables— we were so connected and this black elite family. We are all educated, my parents were teachers, we all have degrees and we were taught to make sure everyone saw us as great. The Great Grant Family!
In high school, I finally broke away from that and I started sharing my story. In 2014, I made this video that even to this day, I cannot rewatch. That day I told my small YouTube channel that my father was abusive and an alcoholic. I told my viewers that he had almost killed me and then kicked me out and that I was staying with my sister. I asked my viewers and family and friends for money to help me out. For the first time I was encouraged to let people know what was going on behind the scenes and it was terrifying.
I don’t think I spoke about that trauma on my channel since. I don’t know if I have enough knowledge or resources to make a change in anyone’s life by sharing that pain but I did start sharing more about my struggles dating and going/ being in college. I shared how I dealt with my anxiety and depression and it was so rewarding. Making videos doubled as my therapy. I’ve always enjoyed being able to share. I wrote journals non stop until my dad started reading them and then I started making videos and writing posts to let myself feel free. Therapy is always a gift and I’m still in it now but there’s something I enjoyed about sharing parts of me on these platforms that made me feel better. Especially when people reached out and told me that I’ve helped. I used to help a lot of people by sharing my stories and giving tips. I loved it.
Although, I did have some people in my life who told me I was sharing too much, that I shouldn’t curse on my channel or drink or gave me all these different pieces of advice on how I could do better with my content. I never asked for the advice, it never helped. It just made me feel like I couldn’t be myself. It made me feel like in order to do what I want, I need to alter myself and that didn’t feel right.
I’m not even sure if I’m explaining this right but hearing people add their unsolicited opinions on how I could make content that people would like made me take a huge leap back from creating and it’s been really hard making my way back in. Every time I start drafting and planning, I think about what could be said. Maybe I shouldn’t talk about getting yelled at all through the night and then having to go to work the next day or maybe I should chat about how interesting yet stupid I think a lot of men are (Interesting how stupid they are like… they say stupid things with their chest expecting approval and it’s WILD).
Writing and creating helps me process things. That’s what happens for most creatives, processing and being vulnerable. That’s the creative process but along with that is also criticism and possibly unwanted advice and I think I’ve gotten better at managing that… at least I hope so because this non-creative life is not the vibe for me.
So I’m here today to give a tentative return. I wanna start posting again, I need this outlet for myself and I’m really happy to be starting again.