Hello All!

My junior year is coming to an end. THANK GOD! I am definitely stressed but I’m also really excited for summer to begin!

I want this summer to be fun and filled with writing and reading. By this time next year, I hope to be graduating college with my Bachelor’s degree which means that I have to write my 40-page senior project. I definitely want to start writing this summer along with blogging and writing my novel!!!

I’ve been so excited, I even compiled a summer to do list!

Summer List:
Go to three museums
Go to the pool, a waterpark and/or a beach
BookCon (I got tickets. Let me know if you’re going!)
Read (Leisure and for my Senior Project)
Find places to write
Go to writing workshops
Go to 3 writing/reading events (BookCon counts)
Walk. LOADS! Across bridges, around parks, etc.
Clothes shopping (I feel like I have no clothes)
Botanic Gardens (Flowers make me sneeze but they’re so pretty)
FOOOOOD! I want to try out restaurants and recipes. I will be going vegan this summer so hit me up with some recommendations!
(I also want to show some restaurants and recipes of my own so look out for my channel as well as my blog)
I want to revamp my youtube channel and post some vlogs so check me out!
I also want to hang out with my best friends and my loving family. I miss them all. My summer will be amazing with them all with me.

I want to prepare myself, for my summer of fun and writing so I’ve gotta pile up on some stationery!

My go-to journal has always been Moleskine notebooks. They’re so nice and I always love that pocket in the back of the journals where I store memories. I currently have a small notebook for bullet journaling and a bigger Hufflepuff (my Hogwarts house) notebook. That will be for my creative writing and thoughts. I just need to buy one for my Senior Project writing and ideas. I’m just debating if I should get a cute color or just go black.

To go along with my journals, I tend to have lost pages in my journals. One day, I’d write a story and the next, it would be a journal entry. I don’t have a way of organizing my journals so I want to get one of those post-its tabs. They will also help with my summer reading. I need to read books for my Senior Project and I’d need to label some parts for quotes.

I’ve been really dying to buy loads of black pens (for some reason, I hate blue pens). I want to find the perfect pen for me and then buy loads. I am on a pen journal, Y’all!

I have so many highlighters, markers, pencils and colored pens. I just checked out my stash and I have way more than I thought I had. I love Zebra Mildliner highlighters. They’re aesthetic and pretty af.

I want to get on this stationery aesthetic flow lol. I’ve been doing my research. I want to be more organized and get myself focused on life. Enjoying every day with my family, friends and my passions, writing and reading. This summer will be brilliant!

Finals recommendations:
Remember that college is just college. It doesn’t define who you are. If you fail a class, it’s really frustrating but you will get through it. There is so much pressure that comes with college and everyone telling you to be perfect in all of your studies. It’s really difficult. it’s important to take a step back and check in with yourself and you’re feeling. if you’re like me. You’d probably try to avoid everyone until the stress of finals is over. I’ve also been becoming a stress-eater which sucks. I want to start jogging to get off this stress weight.

Take a bath, drink tea, stress eat if you need to. Eat your comfort foods, and live in a comfortable sweater. Just remember to do the little things that make you happy. I went to see Infinity War twice and talked with my best friends. Go party and also organize your time so that you don’t have a pile-up of things at the very last second.

I’ve been rereading the Mortal Instruments series by Cassandra Clare. It helps to reread novels while I’m stressing because I already know how the story ends so I don’t need to focus too hard on what is happening in the story.

I just finished binging Brooklyn Nine-Nine which was AMAZING! It broke my heart when I was all caught up this morning. Now, what do I watch?

Hello all,

I realized that I am so uncertain about what I write and because of that, ideas for YouTube videos and blog posts come so slowly. A small part of me started giving up on writing because I kept having this thought that I am not where I want to be yet. I have these ideas of where to go but figuring out which steps to take is difficult for me.

I started reading The Celestine Prophecy, this is a bit of the bio: The Celestine Prophecy contains secrets that are currently changing our world. Drawing on ancient wisdom, it tells you how to make connections among the events happening in your own life right now…and lets you see what is going to happen to you in the years to come!

I won’t give any spoilers, for it is already in the bio, but the opening speaks about the universe connecting things in your life and this made me think. What are the odds that someone would give me a book about universal connections in a time where I feel so lost in my creative life?

While reading this, I kept hearing the same thing, I’d talk to a friend and they’d remind me that I am a writer. I’d speak to a teacher and they’d tell me to work on certain areas of my writing, I’d meet writers who are making a career out of writing and seriously what are the odds?

By the end of this week, I will officially be done with work and I wondered what to do after. I know now that this summer, I need to do anything that will help me get to the writer’s lifestyle that I want.

I have my own image of a writer/creator’s life. First, I’ll need a dog. lol. I just really want my own dog. I’ve said it before, how stress gets to me and how my anxiety hits me like a wrecking ball. I think it would be nice for me to have a pup. Anyways, I’ll need candles everywhere, cool and comfy clothes, a huge library. I can see myself in a really cozy apartment walking around with cups of tea. There is an aesthetic that I desire.

Prior to receiving this book, I remember announcing to my friend how much I want this lifestyle for myself. I want it so badly. I’m really going to start working towards that. I promised my teachers that I’d really work on my writing, I mean rereading and having someone look over my writing before I send it in. It’s a habit for me to just send things out once it’s finished and just hope for the best but that is no way to grow.

I feel like this year is all about experience and growth that’s all I’m doing. I know that it’s all a process and that I will achieve what I desire soon. There are just steps, levels to the shit.

Now for recommendations, I think you should go and check out my London vlog.

Read the Celestine Prophecy, it’s a book that is handed from friend to friend, Let’s pretend like I’m handing it over to you. The Overdrive app which is a digital library, literally is, use your library card to access it. The Celestine Prophecy is there for you to check out.

I bought Children of Blood and Bone, though I can’t read it yet, I think y’all should. I know it’s worthy of the recommendation.

Sabrina Claudio! her music makes me want to buy a beach house with big windows and walk around in lingerie. It’s so sultry. I love it. I got put onto this by my friend Shelbie who has her own show on her campus radio called Vibin’ W/ Shelbzz here is a link.

Hello, blogging world!

It’s been two weeks but it feels like I haven’t written anything in months! London has changed my entire perspective and I’ve been trying to put all these feelings I have into words.

I spent these weeks trying to figure out what kind of post I should write up. I was hoping to have a solitary theme per post. Like one blog filled with inspiration and another filled with my confusions of life. I wanted to start a health post and one where I talk about bullet journaling. I had all these ideas but every time I tried to write it out, everything just faltered.

I feel like I’m in a place of limbo. There are so many new things that I need to figure out on my own. I feel like I’m fighting for my desires and reality. Fiction or nonfiction. I want so badly for things to go as I’d like. I want to be an amazing academic student where I don’t struggle in my classes. I want to trust myself, my choices and my surroundings. I tend to enjoy hearing the input of others and use that to decide on my choices but I find myself in a place where everything is solely up to me.

The thought that my life and my choices are all mines is exciting and also terrifying. In my 22 years of living, I tried to do everything I could to not be hurt or affected the way I heard other people did. When I saw someone getting their heart broken because the person they gave their heart to betrayed them. I chose to not put myself in their shoes. I told myself not to give my heart up because, why would I want to see myself hurt?

I feel like I took the “easier” path. I didn’t want to continue with school but I was swayed because I couldn’t think of what I’d do without school. I was scared and even though I hate school and the pressure of it tends to put me in dark places. I continued.

The scariest thought for me is the unknown. Not knowing what the future will hold and hoping beyond hope that things will go the way you want it. When I can’t see a direct path, I get so unnerved. With school, I know that in the end, I’ll get a degree but I have no idea that if I just took off to write if I’d get any success.  If I gave my heart up to anyone, even my friends, will it end and if so, will I get hurt?

I’ve been noticing this big wall that I’ve built around myself. I keep wondering how I break it down a bit in order to move forward and to let new things in. I just get so scared that with change and the unknown, I will get hurt.

I tend to compare my journey with others or if I’m in a weird place where I need to make a choice, I’d ask around, google it, doing research on something that can’t be controlled.

All this to say, this limbo I’m in has put me in a place where I want to change. I want to focus on myself and my greater goal. I want to make moves on the life I desire. My first step is going to therapy, my next step is giving myself a taste of this writer’s lifestyle that I desire. I want to join a novel writing class and have a writing-related internship. I want to start allowing myself to reach for things that I feel are unattainable and grow. I want to allow myself to have setbacks and just move past them. I’m so tired of being so scared to move forward.

Oh and updates and recommendations!
Update:
I quit my job. In two weeks, I’ll be done and then there will be this big festival on campus which I will use to celebrate.
I want to try out being vegan. I want to have a huge dinner with my friends first an then I want to try it out

Recommendations:
Money Heist on Netflix. IT’S SO GOOD AND PART TWO JUST CAME OUT!

Buy yourself some books! I bought Before the Devil Breaks You by Libba Bray. Book three of The Diviners series and I love it so much!. Obsidio by Amie Kaufman and Jay Kristoff book three of Illuminae. It’s the final book and I am excited to see how it all ends and last but DEFINITELY not least, Children of Blood and Bone by Tomi Adeyemi. When reading the description, it reminded me of my favorite book series Throne of Glass by Sarah J. Maas. Which is so exciting because I can get swept away into a mystical world where people look like me and have myths that have people who look like me. With names difficult to pronounce and HAIR. This book excited me so much because it’s so hard to find books in my favorite genre that has people of color. It’s even harder finding them as the main character of the story! Maybe I’ll do a post on that. Let me know if you’ll be into it.

Live for yourself. Trying and move away from depressive habits. Mine is consuming. Buying things, eating, drinking. I just take the whole world and shove it down my throat without a single thought

HELLO FROM LONDON!

*This was written a week before being here but it sounds nice so I’m leaving it*
I have a strong feeling when I return I’ll be coming back with a much more positive mindset. I have one of those feelings that I had before summer of reluctant and nervous excitement. I noticed that my body naturally rejects change when I know that it’s coming. This is something that is so obviously in the cards for me. The way it came up for me was a complete surprise and so I know that this is something for me. I am excited. I am ready and I am also hella nervous!

All that being said. Here is the post for today. lol.

Writing has been a constant to me all throughout my life and I never noticed it. It’s been one of those things that charmingly snuck up on me.

My mom gave me a journal at a very young age and told me to write out my thoughts and dreams onto it and so, I did. I wrote all about my days and experiences as a young child and I can honestly say that I have no remnants of my childhood thoughts and I wish I did. I know how much I wrote about boys I liked. I distinctly remembered having pros and cons list for the boys I liked and I obviously wrote about my day and whoever upset me that day or week. Many of my childhood journals have been scavenged through and thrown out.

I also remember writing stories. All throughout my life, I’ve had a very vivid imagination. Paying attention in class is so hard when you have the amazing stories in my head my dreams are also hella dope. They’re so complex and I love it. My most recent dream had a dog in it that can turn black and white at will. He was so cute. About 1 years old and I was so determined to adopt him, I’m hoping to adopt a pup when I return from London.

Okay but back to my imagination, I have a deep love of writing because I daydream so hard with so many crazy and vivid things and I’d like to share the things on my mind. It excites me so much when I write and weave in my thoughts and visions of the world. I feel like I’m droning off…

All of this came to mind because Neil Gaiman came to speak at my school and if you don’t know already, he is an author or American Gods, Coraline, Sandman, etc. I honestly wasn’t too excited when I heard he was coming, I’ve never read anything of his but I knew his name. I only went because my teacher offered us extra credit. I was pleasantly surprised when I got this feeling; it’s a feeling that I felt before when reading Afterworlds by Scott Westerfield. It wasn’t the best but I do enjoy reading and learning about the background of being a writer. The moments that writers share together, bonding over their own creativity and growing and learning new things together. I enjoy that support and getting advice from other writers.

Neil Gaiman told us writers in the crowd that every and anything can be mythic and that we can create an entire world or new creation by the most mundane of things. I mean, obviously but sometimes it’s just good to hear it again. To be reminded of the power to see the world differently. I really enjoyed that now that I’ here in London, I am hoping to find things to add into my stories. I’ve also been seeing characteristics within the people around me that I want to incorporate into my writing. I feel like my eyes have been opened.

He also said to just write; if you don’t write then you have nothing to edit and nothing to offer so just continuing writing will only help me grow.

I really want to be in an environment of writers and also writers of color where I can hear their stories and how they overcome their own struggles within their own writing. I feel like it will be so helpful if I were in that environment.

It also made me realize my dislike with critically analyzing literature as I’m doing now in school. I’m almost finished with my degree and I do want to further my education in writing afterwards. I just need to push through it all and I know it will be rewarding when I finally walk across that damn stage and get that paper.

I just want to carry on writing until then. If you are a writer, you now know what I’m looking for and please, feel free to contact me. I’m trying to reach out and find my crowd. I am really excited about this.

My advice for this week is to follow your dreams and your heart and stop caring about the thoughts and feelings of other people because everything is temporary. Life is too short to care about the thoughts and feelings of those who are temporary. Just take in the positivity that comes your way and try to give the same back. Mind your business and keep it pushing. Be impulsive and take risks towards your greater goal. Everyone has their own journey so jsut focus on your own.

Hello, I am writing to you in the absolute dark of my dorm room because I am basking in my solitude today.

I’ve spent the last week wondering what kind of blog I should write up and I’ve been completely stumped. I refuse to have one more week of not posting so I’ll just let you know what’s been going on.

I told you all about my anxieties, I’ve been hoping that it would calm down after having one of my biggest stressors gone but then I noticed the anxieties I felt in class. That’s when I knew it’s something to focus on. I don’t want to yap about anxiety. I do just want to say that I’ve dealt with so much on my plate and I’ve just received so much more.

With all that is going on, I do want to express my victories.

I use grounding objects, my 4 crystals, two rose quartz, amethyst, and citrine. I carry them with me always so that I know I can focus on what is around me because of the positive energies in my pocket. It’s a comfort and easy to play with.

I’ve been doing yoga and meditation/breathing techniques to get my body calm in situations.

I’ve been transparent with my friends and teachers instead of holding all of my negativity within myself.

I’ve cried. This may not be big for many people but I am not a crier at all and boy did I have a great ol’ sob with my roommates. I woke up with a sore body and a puffy face.

I chose not to drown myself in my sorrows. I instead made sure I did my work and I’ve also been trying to put my energy into being creative. I spent most of my “stay in bed” day working on giving my YouTube channel a new look.

I’ve been trying to manage my negative thoughts and feelings. I know I get waves of jealousy when looking at other people’s success or lives and then I check in with myself and say “it’s just not your time yet.” Everything will come to you at the speed that is good for you.

I noticed how great my friends and family are and I acknowledge that not everyone can give me the care that is specific to me because they can only support me with what they can give. I just value those who can give me what I need and those who try to give me what they can. What else can I ask for?

I noticed how much I’d love to have a companion during this time and because of this, I’ve decided to get a dog after my trip to London.

I am proud of the growth that I am experiencing. I know that there is still more growth to come and I am ready for it. This is my year for growing and mastering. I will continue to understand myself and my needs and to give out the love and support that I get from others.

I hope you all enjoyed.

This week, I decided to invest in Audible because I want to properly own the Harry Potter audiobooks. When I get like this, they are a huge comfort.

I was also able to begin rereading the Throne of Glass series by Sarah J. Maas who which is my second favorite book series. The writing is beautiful and it’s about a female assassin who loves to read, loves to love and has a puppy! Honestly, she is me if I were white, blonde, Fae, and an assassin. I love her so much. The final book in the series comes out this year and I am so shook.  I’m on the second book Crown of Midnight! HOW DARE IT END!

Hello, all!

So, I enjoy writing and discussing my mental health because there is a huge taboo that is placed on it. People get scared or worry about what others may think when it comes to discussing what is going on in their lives. I am not that person though, I went through years of silently struggling and not understanding what was going on me and because of that, I refuse to not talk about the stresses of my life. I feel like discussing mental health issues not only helps me but it can help other people who are feeling what I’m feeling or going through a similar experience. I am striving to help others and myself when I write these posts. I just want you all to know that while discussing all this. I will continue to make moves in understanding myself and ensuring that I have a happy and successful life. That being said…

I skipped a week of blogging because I had a lot going on that made me very anxious. I spent most days feeling anxious and then I had panic attacks in class. It was horrible. I never qualified myself as a person with anxiety because I compared my experience to other people and figured that since I wasn’t like that person, then I did not have it at all. I knew that I felt anxiety sometimes but it was never frequent.

However, in the last two weeks, I had anxiety or panic attacks almost every day. Sometimes, I thought it was asthma because I felt it in my chest but then I noticed I felt this jittery energy going through my arms and to my hands and I started shaking. I felt this in class most times and I was too afraid to move. I had battles with myself about whether or not I should stay in class, feeling like I had an audience to all of my anxiety or force myself up. My stress was that everyone would watch me go and that the teachers would not only note how silent I was in class but also that I got up in their class.

I found myself trying to jot down everything that could be causing it and breathing deeply but nothing helped until I finally left the room and sat down outside. I’d call or text someone close to me and go on social media to help me calm down. I either sat still and breathed or walked around the floor trying to grasp at my things of comfort like Doctor Who, Harry Potter, music, The Raven Cycle or another book to read.

After my first panic attack in class, I texted my roommates while I was out and one of them called the counseling center on campus and made me an appointment. When I went, the woman calmed me down and told me that there was an anxiety group on campus and said that I should join. This group gives tools to practice to calm anxiety and to better manage it. I started going and it has been great. I know what started the anxiety for me and now that my concerns have passed, I hope to be able to handle things better. I was behind in my work and started getting really impulsive while trying to calm whatever was boiling inside me.

Throughout my anxious moments, I kept thinking about being a black woman with anxiety. I had a teacher who picked on me simply because he thought I had an attitude and didn’t do the reading when in reality, I was sitting there trying to keep still my shaking hands and firmly holding crystals, praying they’d ground me. Hoping that they’d steady me and that my teacher would not choose me. I vocalized my anxiety with my teachers because otherwise, it’s perceived as rude.

I’ve heard so many stories from anxious black girls who tried so hard to hold in those anxious feelings because everyone will see you as a “man black woman”, the black girl with an attitude. It’s so destructive having to hold in those feelings. Holding in those feelings is what brings up anxiety again.

As a black girl, I spent so long holding things in that I don’t even notice it. For the first few panic attacks, I didn’t even know why it was happening. I thought it was just a freak moment because all the crazy things that happened to me wasn’t affecting me. I just kept taking hits and thinking nothing was hitting me and then I just started feeling it all.

The experience really makes me want to move forward being more positive. I want to be softer on myself because I would get annoyed with myself for all the anxiety I was feeling. I’m going to keep going to therapy and going to my anxiety group. I started a bullet journal to keep me focused and I’ve gained a new approach to the story I’ve been writing for the past 3-4 years. Lol. I’m feeling pretty optimistic. I’m still nervous about it happening again. I will implement all that I’ve been learning about myself and what my body needs. I stopped drinking to help me process things better. I feel like, during this time, I need a clear head so that I don’t fall farther down the hole.

Thanks for reading!

Recommendations are:

1. BLACK PANTHER SOUNDTRACK!
I wrote this post while bumping into this fucking gem. I can’t wait to watch Black Panther this weekend! Fuck yes

2. The Diviners by Libba Bray. It’s about the occult. It’s all about that spooky paranormal business while also uncovering a mystery! It’s so well written. I’m already ready to read book 2 and 3. SOOO GOOD!