Drunk poem at 12:45am

my foolish heart fell for him

she felt that deep urge for him

wanted more than mediocre.

wanted to get that dream of being more than a solo person

to become a team with someone

my foolish heart looked at him

reach for him

wanted him

looked through all the hardships and the hurt

look through the broken I felt and broken I saw

my foolish heart stretched through the dark wanting to be more

wanting to see more

needing to be more to you

to be your muse

your joy

your excitement

like I feel for you

wanting moment shared between us

hot cocoa in the cold

cuddles in bed

wanting to be with you in moments of calm

I want you.

I want to lay up under you

I want to breathe you in

I want to understand every moment of your being

I want to share

I want to shed even piece of me

In being this open with you

that vulnerable place that I’ve never been before

not knowing how to be open

You, being too open

being in a  place where you don’t want me with you

being in a place where you don’t want me

you don’t want me

I’m not wanted

you don’t yearn for me as I do for you

do you breathe in me as I do you?

that love, that you don’t want.

you don’t want me.

My Foolish Heart by Jazmine Sullivan

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Written in class. I think it’s a poem.

It’s kinda shit but, it eased a little tension for me. It’s not named. Maybe I can name it…

Her. 
How could he not see her?
Years of being near her.
Years of conversations he never read into
Moments he could never see as anything more than what it was.
It wasn’t until now,
Her unavailability but friendliness is what finally draws him to her.
Now, he longs for her.
He reads into her friendliness with hope
That it’s coming from more than lust.
He gives himself longing.
Being quiet in moments she allows him to speak his truth.
He can’t see her as someone who can love him.
He can’t see her as someone who wants him,
So he keeps her in the dark.
After all that was said and done.
After everything was ignored.
He wants her, wants to hold her,
To touch her but
Can’t be near her.
Knowing there is no readiness for this romance.
The not knowing, unknown
Of what is to come or what could happen,
Can he enjoy her company without touch, without lust, or without love.
Or can silence be the only answer.

End of a long week + snippet of a short story.

Hey-ho.

I had a week that was so long and tiring. I feel like I’ve dragged myself to this finish line. I am finally going back home in about an hour and I am going to be with my awesome family and home friends. I really can’t wait.

All of my classes had us doing absolutely nothing all week so I spent my time in class writing. I started writing stories when I was SUPER depressed back in 2015. I spent all my time writing stories in class and not doing any work. There was one story that I actually worked on for the past two years and I named it “Nneka’s Journey” (working title). I started writing a bit more about the story. I haven’t touched that story all year so I’m happy I’ve written something. I’m going to share a snippet of it at the end but back to my week.

I’ve been tired all week. I’m trying to put myself back to my more positive self. Trying to remember everything that grounds me and comforts me. I’m surrounded by so many people and opinions and it gets so overwhelming. I need something that I can put into my every day that isn’t stressful. I am a work in progress! Gotta keep growing. Tonight, I will be having oysters with one of my best friends and I am so excited to spend time with her. She makes me SO. FUCKING. HAPPY!

I’m gonna end this off by just saying how much I hope to pick up my glasses before I get off campus. My glasses are making nose green so I needed to buy new glasses. I got them from Firmoo. They have amazing discounts. I got my glasses for about $16 because of that coupon, including additions to the lenses and shipping. I want to buy another especially if they’re that cheap!

Okay. Here are two parts of my story. I hope you all enjoy.

Part 1.

The Hole is different from other bookstores. It’s crowded with so many books, old and new, but it doesn’t feel overwhelming. It feels comforting. Like being wrapped up in a blanket with a cup of tea on a rainy day. Like you’re safe. This is my favorite place in all of New York. You know what, the world. It’s my favorite place in the whole world. I am so happy to be working here.

 

My shift came and went in a blur of books, boxes, and friendly faces. The manager completely ignored me all day, which I am thankful for.

At home, I put on relaxing clothing and attempted to start cleaning up but then I got distracted. I stumbled across the journal that was with me when I was a child. When I was found 15 years ago, I was a young girl alone and crying in Prospect Park with what looked like someone’s journal and pendant. I was told that no one could understand the book so they just assumed it was something I found in the street. I cried when they tried taking the journal or the pendant away so they let me keep them both. A gold chain with a pendant in the shape of a crescent moon and the name Nneka on the back and a black raggedy looking journal. I still don’t understand anything of the journal but I look through it anyway. The journal has all of these drawings of new machines and creations and scribbles around the drawings. I can only make out a couple of words on each page, like the person who wrote it was constantly rushing. I love puzzles and this book is the biggest puzzle of my life. Who wrote this? and why do I have it?

When I look back at my phone, it’s 3 in the morning. I’ve been so into the journal that I didn’t notice the time or that I’ve been playing with my pendant. I get up and head for bed.

Tonight feels strange, I keep seeing things, like the walls changing colors or doors turning into walls.  I obviously need to go to sleep. Before I reach my bedroom door, it turns to a wall, but unlike the other hallucinations, this wall has strange carvings and symbols on it. The wall glows as if it’s breathing. A living wall, I must be going crazy. When I reach out to where the doorknob should be, I just feel the carvings. I glide over all the curves of the wall and I start feeling a warming sensation from my neck and it spreads all through my body. It feels strange, yet comforting. I get lost in it and close my eyes and feel.. wind. Rushing up against my skin. When I open them again, I look down at myself and I’m glowing. The carving from the wall is on my skin, like living tattoos. They wrap around my arms in swirls lashing out in all different directions like a windy storm. I can feel the wind on my skin like I’m standing in an open field. The feeling and the tattoos leave my body slowly and the wall turns back into my door. I’m left standing there completely confused with the lingering sensations all over my body. Before I can really think about what just happened, exhaustion hits me. I rush into my room and dive into my bed and within seconds, sleep takes me.

I wake with a start the next morning. I quickly assess my surroundings and when my body finally settles, I realize how sore my entire body feels and remain to lie in bed for the day.

Part 2.

Late at night when I was a child, I’d open the journal just lay in bed and admire her features. Imaging this woman as my mom, holding my hand and taking me to the park or the zoo. Or I’d imagine her holding me at night lulling me to sleep during a thunderstorm. Lauren wasn’t one for comforting during storms so I’d have to stay in my room alone, imagining.

 

I catch myself doing that now. Thinking about what it would’ve been like to have had a mom who loved me. Someone who played in my hair took me shopping, sang songs with me. Someone to guide me throughout all of the tough times in my life.

 

I spent 30 minutes staring at this woman’s face, imagining until I finally decided that after all these years of searching through this book, I won’t find anything new.

I’m feeling pretty miserable today, so I decide to turn in for the night and spare myself the pity party. Nevertheless, I take the journal with me. If I’m going to dream, why not dream of another life — one with a real mother.

I get so lost in daydreaming that when I get out of my daze, I realize that I’ve spilled tea on the book. I begin to rush to the kitchen to get some paper towels but after two steps, I feel lightheaded. Like I got up too fast but when I try to sit back onto my bed, I stumble and fall onto the floor with my body feeling hot and my muscles tight. Within seconds, I’m lying on the floor in fetal position panting and sweating. Too dazed from the pain, I realize too late that my necklace is glowing bright yellow. I felt a strong gust of wind just before I went out of consciousness.

I wake with a start, disoriented from whatever happened the night before. It took a moment to realize that I wasn’t looking at my room. That I’m not lying on the floor of my bedroom, where I passed out but on dirt. I get up quickly still analyzing my surroundings. Did I sleepwalk to a park? I couldn’t have, right? It took a moment to realize how strange the plants looked. One plant looks like a huge butterfly. It was as big as me and flaming red. Another plant looks like a man-eating sunflower. Most of the plant life there was still green but looked more alive. Patches of grass change colors as they swayed in the breeze. Trees so tall it looks like they reach the sky. Neon green poppies, chartreuse roses. Dandelions electric blue and as big as an umbrella were twirling in the air.

I needed to sit down before I passed out again. I sat down, covered my eyes and began to cry. I’ve lost my mind. I am certain. I’m probably locked away somewhere and this is the world I created for myself. At least it’s beautiful, but then again, flowers that big need to be pollinated. As if on cue, I heard buzzing coming from my left. I got up quickly and ran as fast as I could in the opposite direction. Once I passed the first line of trees, I ran into something warm and solid. I looked up to see bright grey eyes staring down at me.

I’m still writing and editing and building to this story. It’s just what I’ve got so far. All y’all get were the pieces. Lol. I can’t wait to sit down and write and edit!

See Y’all Monday. I hope you all have a great weekend. Mine is gonna be so great!

The phone poem 

What happens when the kiss ends?
I’ve never wanted anything as much as I want you. From the second, I saw you, I felt that we needed to be something more. The second time, I knew for sure.
I think of you in every moment of every day. Wondering what dinner would taste like if you were here with me. If I could fall asleep easier in your arms. If our favorite show would be funnier with you there with me.
Could life actually be sweeter if I lived it with you?
I catch myself thinking of the far future. When we create a life. When we hold hands at family functions and hold each other in good days and bad. Sharing secrets and love. Becoming a team. The sun to my moon. I think far too much of what could be. What could happen? after that first kiss.
We can have that sweet moment of closeness. Breathing in each other. Seeing the details in our skin. Finally being close to you. When our lips finally meet. Filled with hope and passion, sweetness. Arms wrapped around each other. Feeling all that is new. What we get to touch for the first time. The strength of your body pressed against mine. Your hand in my hair. Stroking my neck. At my waist pulling me closer. I want you. All of you. Now that we’re here. After our first kiss. Our first connection. What happens now?

Day 2: Hot Chocolate

A Chocolate Carol


“Come on, Marissa! Get up! Let’s go!” Gabriela bellowed while plopping herself on Marissa’s bed.
“No. Shut up. I am a sleeping and it is Saturday and Christmas eve eve. Go to sleep.” Marissa grumbled in response.
“It. Is. Noon. GET UP! WE NEED TO GO!”
“Shit. It’s noon? Ugh. Go where?”Marissa started stretching in her bed and turned over to look at Gabriela through her short black hair.
“I am feeling so melancholy today,” Gabriela says while dramatically lying next to Marissa, tangling her thick and curly brown hair with Marissa’s. “I need something warm and sweet!”
“Oh. cider? I have some in the fridge. Didn’t you see it? Just warm it up. Or some tea, just add sugar!” Marissa says this smiling and using her best matter-o-factly tone.
“Ha. Ha. You’re so funny.” Gabriela says in her driest voice. “You know what I need. Now, get up and let’s go! Let the Hot Chocolate Tour begin!”

Gabriela has researched three hot chocolate places that they could go to today. The two girls have a tradition so that if either of them feels any hint of sadness, they must get hot chocolate. Their hot chocolate tours are only to be done when something huge has happened and they need to go out. Either one of them can decide that they must go and the other one of them has to go. 

Gabriela guides Marissa through the busy streets around Rockefeller Center in New York City. Her long legs moving much faster than Marissa’s, her being a foot shorter than Gabriella.

While doing research for their day out, Gabriela watched a YouTube video stating that the Godiva Chocolatier had some of the best hot chocolate.

Gabriella rushes into the store, excited to get her drink but jolts to a stop when she notices her ex-boyfriend James standing at the counter. Marissa walks into Gabriella’s back and pushes her into the store and into the warmth. Marissa walks right around Gabriella, to buy the hot chocolate when she sees James and snarls.

“Hey, piece of shit. So, you work here now?”
James just stares at Gabriella for a moment later before she dashes out of the store.
“If it wasn’t the holiday season, I swear I’d end you without laying a finger on you. You scum bag.”
Marissa heads over to the other employee and she gave her a proud smile before taking her order of two hot chocolates. Then goes out to find Gabriella with their drinks in hand. Gabriella was waiting for her two stores over still with shock on her face. 

“Here, sweetie,” Marissa says handing her hot chocolate and reaching up to hug her. “It’s okay, he can’t bother you. You’re okay. Come on, let’s get somewhere warm.” 

Marissa guides a quieted Gabriella into the Magnolia Bakery around the corner. They buy some banana pudding and sit down. 

“How are you feeling?”
“I- I’m okay. I just didn’t expect to see that fucking scum bag,” she sighs deeply. “I just needed a moment. I haven’t seen him since we broke up since he continued to make me feel like shit. He always made me feel like I wasn’t enough! I hoped I’d never see him again.”
“Yea, I know. I’m sorry, hon. Do you want to go back home?” Marissa asked as softly as she could in the business of the bakery.
“No, the hot chocolate is already making me feel better. I’m sure even more hot chocolate would make me feel even better. I heard you yell at him before I left. What did he do?”
“He just stood there looking stupid. I didn’t give him a full on curse out. I mean, it is the holiday season. But did you see that haircut? Plus his apron looks tight around his beer belly.”
Gabriella cracks a smile and the growth on her dark skin came back in full force, “Yea, and was it just me or were his eyebrows tattooed on. Why did he do that?”
“I saw that too! What the fuck. Thank goodness he is over and done with. He ain’t shit.”
“I know! Come on. Let’s go get our next cup. We’ll eat on the way to Brooklyn.”


Marissa and Gabriella walk into their favorite Panera Bread and quickly order their hot chocolates. 
“We come here every year. Aren’t out Hot Chocolate tours supposed to be us trying something new?”
“Yea, but it’s so gooood! There are chocolate chip marshmallows! CHOCOLATE CHIPS! I needed this! Seeing James’ tattooed eyebrow face. I think we deserve some consistent deliciousness.”
“Ha. Alright. That’s true. I’ll go get us a table.” 

 

Marissa went upstairs to look of seats when she bumped into Gabriella’s current boy, Michael. He was slouching in a corner looking dejected and staring into his cup of coffee. The sight of him looked so different from the cheerfulness he usually had. Marissa quickly put two and two together. The only reason they have Hot Chocolate tours were to perk them up when they’re feeling sad. By the look of Michael, and Gabriella this morning, Marissa assumed they broke up. Which means they should not see each other. Marissa needed to move quickly to stop Gabriella from coming upstairs. She turned around to see a smiling Gabriella holding two drinks. The smile slid off when she saw who was slouching behind her.

Marissa shooed Gabriella into a booth that was out of sight of the slouching boy.
“Why didn’t you tell me you guys broke up? What happened?”
“I was gonna tell you but later. Over wine or something.”
“What? Why? What happened? Spill it!”
“He’s just- He doesn’t make me happy. He doesn’t make me feel anything. He’s just boring.”
“Things were going so well. Now you’re saying he is boring? What made you come to this realization?”
“Honestly, I kept reading about these amazing fictional boyfriends and I knew that Michael just wasn’t it. He didn’t make me feel feel good about myself and I didn’t feel like we had a supporting relationship. It just didn’t feel… good. I needed to end it.”
“I wish you told me. I had no idea what happened between you two. You normally tell me everything. I understand though. I really do. That’s why we came out today?”
“Yea, I broke up with him this morning. I needed a day out to forget about it but then I end up seeing two ex boyfriends. I just wanted a break!” Gabriella flopped on the table looking forlorn. 
“It’s okay sweetie. We can always go home and lay on the couch and watch the entire Harry Potter series OR the entire development of the Avengers, Hulk to Civil War. Just say the word.”
“No, we have one more place to go before we head back. Let’s go before he notices we’re here.”
Both girls carefully get up quietly and leave without bringing any attention from the boy in the corner.


“So the final place is around the corner from our home? We could’ve came here first!”
“Yea, but we needed the adventure. Now we don’t have to go on a journey just to go back home. Plus, we love this Connecticut Muffin!”
“Now we can have our movie marathon. Right?”
“Yes, but we need to decide if we’re watching Harry Potter or Hulk to Civil War”
“Can I take your order? By the way, my choice is definitely Harry Potter.” The curly haired employee behind the counter asks. She gave Gabriella a dazzling smile while she asked.
“Yes. Can we have two hot chocolates, please?”
“Yea, sure. And you?” The employee asked Gabriella.
“Oh. No. Thank you.” Gabriella have the employee an even wider smile.

Marissa decided that she should excuse herself from their smiling competition and went to grab them a seat.

“I don’t think I’ve seen you here before. Are you new?”
“Yea, I just started last week. Why? Do you come here often?
“Well, I live right around the corner. It’s the best place to get my morning coffee.”
“Does that mean I’ll be able to see more of you?”
“Yes, every morning.”
“I look forward to it. By the way, my name is Angela.”
“Hello Angela, I’m Gabriella.”
They both smile at each other for a while, already sensing the bond between them.

Angela makes three hot chocolates and joins Marissa and Gabriela. They sat talking with each other in the empty cafe on this cold winter evening.

Day 1: Stars

Here is the first story. I once again want to say that these stories are written and edited by me. I usually try asking other people for their input before I post my stories but I am working on being more self-reliant and only going to others when I really need it. I hope to see growth in my writing when I finish this challenge. I hope you guys like it!

First Date

Christine spent the entire day trying to find the perfect outfit and to calm herself by watching youtube videos. She asked Joel on a date after they finished their Intro to Literature final last week. She wanted to ask him out for the entire semester and was too nervous. But when she and he had to work on their final project together she decided to take the chance and ask him out. 

While waiting for their date at 6 o’clock tonight, she called her best friend five times and ended each phone call asking whether she should make an excuse and cancel her plans because of her emotions of both nervous and excited but to cancel today would mean that all her efforts to get this date, encouraging talks in the mirror, would mean nothing.

Joel wandered around his favorite bookstore for four hours. He didn’t come here to find a new book. He didn’t even have the intentions to buy anything. He just needed to be someplace that would calm him down. Joel has been daydreaming about this day for the entire week since Christine asked him on a date. He kept wondering how it would go. Would he like his surprise later? Would it make her smile?

He had hung out with Christine many times while working on their project and they have both gotten comfortable with each other. Though their relationship has gone into a comfortable friendship, this is their first date.

He spent his morning stressing because he kept wondering how tonight will go. He quickly realized that the only way he could calm himself down would be to do his favorite things. He picked up his tea from his favorite cafe before heading to the bookstore where he intends on staying until his date tonight. He has two more hours until he has to meet up with Christine. Enough time to wander around some more and find books.

While waiting for the crossing light, Joel sees Christine standing outside of the Court St. movie theater. He decides to take this opportunity to admire her from afar. One of the things Joel admires about Christine is the way she dresses. She dresses casual but elegant. To him, she looks royal. Though she was bundled up from the cold, he could still see her bright red dress that stood out against her grey jacket and her black stockings. Her curly hair was put in a high ponytail and of course, she was wearing her red over the ear headphones that perfectly matched her outfit. Joel was underdressed in comparison, with his jeans and white button up which was hidden under his huge winter jacket. It took Joel a moment to notice that the light has changed so he rushes across the street to go and meet her.

“Christine! Hi. How are you?” He says while slightly stumbling over his words.
“Hey, Joel! I am freezing!”Christine responded and reached up to give him a hug. Joel was a foot taller than her. “Come on! Let’s go in.” 

Christine opens the door for both her and Joel and leads them both into the theater. They made small talk about the movie they were about to see. Because Christine doesn’t like science fiction. It took them both some time to decide on a movie to watch but they settled on a Christmasy action-comedy. A weird mix but they both love Tracey Morgan so it was the best choice.

In the theater, Christine didn’t know if she should try and get closer to him or not. She always hated the idea of going to a theater to make out with someone. Spending money to see a movie but all you did was snog.

She tried watching the movie but her thoughts were overtaken by her wanting to touch Joel. She wanted to get closer to him, she wanted to feel what it was like to be close to him. To hold his hand or to snuggle into him. She craved being touched by him but she was too afraid to make the move. She didn’t know where the action would take her. For the entirety of the movie, she argued with herself about her decision and daydreamed about what it would be like to actually make the move.

“So, um… How did you like the movie?” asked Joel
“I really enjoyed the movie. It was so funny!” replied Christine, knowing that she couldn’t remember a thing about the movie.
“How did you like the part where Joanne and Michael argued? “
“It was so funny. I really liked Joanne’s character. It reminds me of Pauline from class. She always made some weird noise or that weird laugh from class. Remember?
“Yea! I had to sit next to her for half of the semester. She always made weird comments out my hair. Like if she could touch it or smell it. She was weird. Why would I let her touch my fro?”
All Christine could do was smile at that comment. Joel’s hair was what made her notice him. You could tell he took great care of it.

“I know. She is not allowed to touch such beauty”
“Awe. You think my hair is beautiful?” Joel stopped to pose for her.
“Ha! Come on. Where should we go now? I could go for something to eat. If you’d like.” Christine asked.
“Yea, okay. Let’s get some food. I know a place close by.”
“Lead the way”

Joel took them through the back streets of Brooklyn to get to the restaurant. Christine was surprised when she saw that it was an old school diner but when she looked at Joel and saw how excited he was they had arrived, she relaxed into open-mindedness.

 

“Okay. I know this looks a bit strange but the food here is great and they have the best view.” Joel said smiling as hard as he possibly could and almost reached to grab Christine’s hand but thought better of it. He ushered her towards the back of the restaurant. The front of the restaurant is like any other diner but the back was dimly lit so that you could see… stars.

Joel turns to look at her and asks, “So, how do you like it?”
“How?” Was all Christine could get out.
The sight before her was breathtaking. She couldn’t understand how she was seeing the stars in Brooklyn. There has always been too much light from the city to see as many stars as she was seeing now. At first glance, she could constellations clearly. All she could do was look up at Joel and smile.

Joel’s face immediately brightened when he saw her smile. “I remembered you saying that you loved seeing the stars when you visited your family down south. So, I wanted to show you this… so that you could… have it… here.” Joel started getting shyer while he spoke. Maybe it was too much or too intimate for a first date. Maybe she’ll think that this was weird.

“Joel,” Christine finally said, tears peeking from her eyes. “This is so sweet. Thank you.” She reached over to hold his hand and smiled at him before she planted a kiss on the rim of his lips. She held it there for a while until she broke away and they smiled at each other and soon they both looked back up at the stars.

Christmas Challenge

Hello, Everyone!

I want to give you all a heads up that my 25 Days of Christmas Challenge may be a bit sketchy at first because of all the studying that needs to be done for my finals but I am determined to get them all out throughout the month of December. This challenge for me is testing my creativity by writing and editing all these stories by myself.

This challenge is a test for me to work on my creative writing skills. That being said, if you would like to do the challenge with me, here’s what I’m following:

December 1: Star

December 2: Hot Chocolate

December 3: Snow

December 4: Candy Canes

December 5: Christmas Tree

December 6: Angel

December 7: Pyjamas

December 8: Tinsel

December 9: Ice Skating

December 10: Frost

December 11: Eggnog

December 12: Cider

December 13: Peppermint

December 14: Gingerbread

December 15: Presents

December 16: Fireplace

December 17: Stocking

December 18: Cookies

December 19: Santa

December 20: Sled

December 21: Snow Man

December 22: Jingle Bells

December 23: Carols

December 24: Icicle