“Growing Pains”

Hello, all!

Let me start this off by saying, the transition of coming home this time around is much harder than I first anticipated. I’ve been sick and fatigued. Today, I started feeling trickles of depression so, I know that what I need to do today is write.

This may sound weird but since I’ve been back, waking up has been the hardest. I wake up and my whole body is achy and sore. Just moving around has bee painful.

I have this thing that doctors always call “growing pains”. I would go to the doctor when I was ten with knee problems and they’d say it was “growing pains”. For some reason, I’ve had issues with my joints which I tend to let get in the way. I had so many desires to be athletic and then some part of my body would hurt.

Last year, I jumped down some steps while drunk and hurt an ankle and a knee. Then somehow my wrists started hurting again. These aches went away but then last December, I tripped while hiking and my right ankle was sprung.

The injury didn’t have the time to properly heal because retail work keeps you on your feet. Six months later, the pain went from one foot up to my hip and then to the other foot. My body started compensating for the imbalance and now, moving makes me feel like an old woman.

Now that I’m home, my doctor said that this injury is taking far too long to heal and so, I am in the process of figuring out what’s up with scans and soon, physical therapy.

This summer, I wanted to start running. I just had a feeling that if I ran, I can get a better handle on my anxiety and all the pressure I’ve felt all year. I guess I’m feeling kind of thrown because now that I’m back, I can’t do what I planned. I’m taking a step back to try and see what my other options could be. Now that the day is ending, I realized I can still focus on my daily yoga instead of feeling so sorry for myself and my inability to run.

Being home tends to make me feel stressed because I feel like people expect so much from me. I feel like everyone wants me to do something or be someone for them and I’m trying to sort everything out for myself. Trying to sort out my placement and getting boundaries now that I have returned. A fellow blogger named Nia mentioned that she intentionally takes time to get herself on track when she returns home. Please read her post, it’s really good.

I’ve been kinda getting into my witchy stuff. My lavender plant is kind of dying and I need to recharge my crystals to give me positive energy and all that jazz! I want to find other options to adjust and get myself back into it. It made me feel so good and clear when I focused on my witchy stuff so, it’s definitely gonna be back in my life. I also started reading A Discovery of Witches by Deborah Harkness. It’s a well-loved series and I’m slowly getting into it. I got the book on Audible and I bought the book the first time I went to London.

I’m slowly getting hopeful as I write this post. A total change of moods! I want to start writing again and I want to post them on my blog. I want to write stories, book reviews/bookish posts, foodie posts. I just really want to wake up ready for the day and then I can get through my Summer To-Do List

Recommendations:

One blog that I started to follow, dearmyclosestfriend on Tumblr, has all of these awesome tips that I think would help me out if I implemented the advice into my life. I am loving advice columns ATM. It’s helping me get some things in check. Tonight, I will be going to bed at 10 and I will be putting myself on a schedule.

This Is Us, again, it is an amazing show and I just finished it!

My sister visited this weekend which was great. She recommended I watch Killing Eve. I’m definitely gonna start binging now.

Advertisements

So, College Drained You

Hello, I kind of forgot how to blog so bear with me!

If you’ve been reading my blog as of late, then you know how hard this semester has been for the past few months. I’ve been busting my butt trying to get all my work done and going to work and trying to squeeze in my own personal time in between that.

Now that the semester is over, I’ve found myself still trying to do a million and one things at once. I filled up my first week back with so many activities and now that my first week is done. I am sick and my body is so sore.

My body was killing me as the semester ended, I was told that my mental exhaustion was reflecting in my body and knowing that, I still chose to busy my body with loads of tasks.

I spent a lot of my time back not listening to myself or my body. I tried jumping back into the swing of things by trying to get a job and meet with friends and so what my family desired. I found myself giving my energy away to everyone around me and not focusing on myself.

I planned so many things for my time back home and I was so eager to get everything done as soon as possible. I wanted to work off all of my stress-eating weight (I gained weight during the semester), I wanted to jump into my senior project and blog. I wanted to get a job. I tried to force it all into one week and felt drained because I didn’t do what I planned to do.

Now that the first week is over, I’ve had time to notice my mistakes because it’s all caught up with me. I’ve been laying in bed sick for two days now. It’s nice, I’ve been resting and trying to organize myself and thoughts in a less stressful way.

I noticed that my thoughts tend to get super jumbled and that my desires have been mixed up and to help this out, I’ve decided to journal at least every night to get all these thoughts out.

I didn’t acknowledge how draining last semester was, I kept a lot of my thoughts and feelings inside and kind of forgot how to voice them so I’m practicing by writing them all out.

I noticed how important it is to be softer with myself and to listen. I listen to what other people say I should be doing. Like immediately getting a job once I returned from college. I have every intention to work this summer, I just also know that in order for me to move forward, I need to recenter myself. I need to really understand myself and my next step.

This weekend I was so close to having a panic attack by trying to go with what was expected of me. I couldn’t find what I needed to calm myself down so I went to a great friend, Alex, who does not read my blog. lol. She helped me get through it and though she told me to just stay home and rest, I went out. My experience was positive and I had no regrets about going. I just know now that I am going to follow the flow of my body in the future and not force anything.

I keep second guessing what I put out into the universe. I think far too much before I post a post or edit a video. Which can be good in order to put out what I’m passionate about but sometimes, I just refuse to put up good content.

All that being said, here are so recommendations and revelations:

You gotta do what calms you down physically and mentally. I’ve been binging shows and soon I’ll start getting back into books. I need things that don’t require a lot of thought because my headspace isn’t too clear. Rest your body. Take a bath, get a massage, lay in bed. Chillax.

TV shows: Watch This Is Us. I just started and I’m wrapped up in it. Brooklyn Nine-Nine is gold. Agents of Sheild was wild af. Adventure time is poppington and so is Steven Universe. While writing this, I am watching Children of the Whales.

Relationships change, it can be from differences of opinions or lack of understandings. People change and relationships change. Now that I’m back, so many things are different and a lot of it makes me very uncomfortable. What I learned from last night’s journaling is that I can keep negative feelings or I can chose to move forward and be positive. I can stay mad about something that can’t be changed or I can move on.

A lot of things are coming to light and I noticed that I am very nice and nice to people who don’t give me the same in return. I feel like part of why I’ve been drained is because I’ve been overcompensating for the lack of balance in some of my relationships. Once again, I recommend discussing it and then move on because it needs to be out there.

Change up your space. I rearranged the furniture in my room and threw some things out in the hopes of changing my mindset and it totally helped. There are still things that need to be done but I’m loving it.

Writing has become my safe space and I am excited to sit in my comfy room and write half of my novel this summer!

Thanks for reading!

May TBR

Hello Hello! 

I will be starting something new this summer! Monthly TBRs (cool people lingo for To Be Read). I am super excited to begin. I’ve been wanting to do these for a while and I am ready to begin. The system will be doing a TBR on my blog and then be doing a Wrap-up on my YouTube channel so head over there. I’ll let you know when it’s up on my Instagram.

So far, I’ve finished rereading City of Ashes by Cassandra Clare. Rereading helps me get through stress so it’s been pretty good. I kind of want to reread the whole series because I miss reading Cassandra Clare’s writing, the world of Shadowhunters is so good! I can’t wait to read Queen of Air and Darkness. it comes out December 4th. I CANNOT WAIT!City of Ashes (The Mortal Instruments, #2)
Now for the books, I will be reading after these damned finals are done!

First will totally be Children of Blood and Bone by Tomi Adeyemi. FUCK! I HAVE BEEN DYING TO READ THIS BOOK!  I heard about this author like a year or two ago. People said she was going to be the next J.K Rowling. Student title but it drew me in. I can’t wait to read this baby! It’s totally gonna be in my senior project!
img_5310.jpg

Sarah J. Maas is one of my favorite authors and I love everything she writes. The last book of the A Court of Thorns and Roses series was so damn good and now there is A Court of Frost and Starlight. It’s a novella and although I heard, nothing really happens. I really do miss the characters so I am excited!
img_4549.jpg

I’ve been wanting to read A Discovery of Witches. This one since I got it two years ago in London. I just got the audiobook on audible to ensure that I read it this month. I’m very excited to read it. I hard so many amazing things about this book and I’m looking forward to reading it.

IMG_1962.JPG

Now onto Half of a Yellow Sun! I love my black authors! I picked this book up when I was in London. I’m really interested in reading books by black authors. There aren’t many books with people who look like me.

IMG_2356.JPG

Now for my three comics. My comics have been on my shelf for far too long so I’m excited to read as much as possible.  Batman/Superman: Volume 1 & Volume 2.

IMG_5244.JPGIMG_5092.JPG

These are the books I plan on reading but sometimes I just throw new books into the mix. Check out my wrap up video to see all the books I’ve read.

Thanks for reading my very first TBR post!

The Summer of Writing

Hello All!

My junior year is coming to an end. THANK GOD! I am definitely stressed but I’m also really excited for summer to begin!

I want this summer to be fun and filled with writing and reading. By this time next year, I hope to be graduating college with my Bachelor’s degree which means that I have to write my 40-page senior project. I definitely want to start writing this summer along with blogging and writing my novel!!!

I’ve been so excited, I even compiled a summer to do list!

Summer List:
Go to three museums
Go to the pool, a waterpark and/or a beach
BookCon (I got tickets. Let me know if you’re going!)
Read (Leisure and for my Senior Project)
Find places to write
Go to writing workshops
Go to 3 writing/reading events (BookCon counts)
Walk. LOADS! Across bridges, around parks, etc.
Clothes shopping (I feel like I have no clothes)
Botanic Gardens (Flowers make me sneeze but they’re so pretty)
FOOOOOD! I want to try out restaurants and recipes. I will be going vegan this summer so hit me up with some recommendations!
(I also want to show some restaurants and recipes of my own so look out for my channel as well as my blog)
I want to revamp my youtube channel and post some vlogs so check me out!
I also want to hang out with my best friends and my loving family. I miss them all. My summer will be amazing with them all with me.

I want to prepare myself, for my summer of fun and writing so I’ve gotta pile up on some stationery!

My go-to journal has always been Moleskine notebooks. They’re so nice and I always love that pocket in the back of the journals where I store memories. I currently have a small notebook for bullet journaling and a bigger Hufflepuff (my Hogwarts house) notebook. That will be for my creative writing and thoughts. I just need to buy one for my Senior Project writing and ideas. I’m just debating if I should get a cute color or just go black.

To go along with my journals, I tend to have lost pages in my journals. One day, I’d write a story and the next, it would be a journal entry. I don’t have a way of organizing my journals so I want to get one of those post-its tabs. They will also help with my summer reading. I need to read books for my Senior Project and I’d need to label some parts for quotes.

I’ve been really dying to buy loads of black pens (for some reason, I hate blue pens). I want to find the perfect pen for me and then buy loads. I am on a pen journal, Y’all!

I have so many highlighters, markers, pencils and colored pens. I just checked out my stash and I have way more than I thought I had. I love Zebra Mildliner highlighters. They’re aesthetic and pretty af.

I want to get on this stationery aesthetic flow lol. I’ve been doing my research. I want to be more organized and get myself focused on life. Enjoying every day with my family, friends and my passions, writing and reading. This summer will be brilliant!

Finals recommendations:
Remember that college is just college. It doesn’t define who you are. If you fail a class, it’s really frustrating but you will get through it. There is so much pressure that comes with college and everyone telling you to be perfect in all of your studies. It’s really difficult. it’s important to take a step back and check in with yourself and you’re feeling. if you’re like me. You’d probably try to avoid everyone until the stress of finals is over. I’ve also been becoming a stress-eater which sucks. I want to start jogging to get off this stress weight.

Take a bath, drink tea, stress eat if you need to. Eat your comfort foods, and live in a comfortable sweater. Just remember to do the little things that make you happy. I went to see Infinity War twice and talked with my best friends. Go party and also organize your time so that you don’t have a pile-up of things at the very last second.

I’ve been rereading the Mortal Instruments series by Cassandra Clare. It helps to reread novels while I’m stressing because I already know how the story ends so I don’t need to focus too hard on what is happening in the story.

I just finished binging Brooklyn Nine-Nine which was AMAZING! It broke my heart when I was all caught up this morning. Now, what do I watch?

It’s all a process.

Hello all,

I realized that I am so uncertain about what I write and because of that, ideas for YouTube videos and blog posts come so slowly. A small part of me started giving up on writing because I kept having this thought that I am not where I want to be yet. I have these ideas of where to go but figuring out which steps to take is difficult for me.

I started reading The Celestine Prophecy, this is a bit of the bio: The Celestine Prophecy contains secrets that are currently changing our world. Drawing on ancient wisdom, it tells you how to make connections among the events happening in your own life right now…and lets you see what is going to happen to you in the years to come!

I won’t give any spoilers, for it is already in the bio, but the opening speaks about the universe connecting things in your life and this made me think. What are the odds that someone would give me a book about universal connections in a time where I feel so lost in my creative life?

While reading this, I kept hearing the same thing, I’d talk to a friend and they’d remind me that I am a writer. I’d speak to a teacher and they’d tell me to work on certain areas of my writing, I’d meet writers who are making a career out of writing and seriously what are the odds?

By the end of this week, I will officially be done with work and I wondered what to do after. I know now that this summer, I need to do anything that will help me get to the writer’s lifestyle that I want.

I have my own image of a writer/creator’s life. First, I’ll need a dog. lol. I just really want my own dog. I’ve said it before, how stress gets to me and how my anxiety hits me like a wrecking ball. I think it would be nice for me to have a pup. Anyways, I’ll need candles everywhere, cool and comfy clothes, a huge library. I can see myself in a really cozy apartment walking around with cups of tea. There is an aesthetic that I desire.

Prior to receiving this book, I remember announcing to my friend how much I want this lifestyle for myself. I want it so badly. I’m really going to start working towards that. I promised my teachers that I’d really work on my writing, I mean rereading and having someone look over my writing before I send it in. It’s a habit for me to just send things out once it’s finished and just hope for the best but that is no way to grow.

I feel like this year is all about experience and growth that’s all I’m doing. I know that it’s all a process and that I will achieve what I desire soon. There are just steps, levels to the shit.

Now for recommendations, I think you should go and check out my London vlog.

Read the Celestine Prophecy, it’s a book that is handed from friend to friend, Let’s pretend like I’m handing it over to you. The Overdrive app which is a digital library, literally is, use your library card to access it. The Celestine Prophecy is there for you to check out.

I bought Children of Blood and Bone, though I can’t read it yet, I think y’all should. I know it’s worthy of the recommendation.

Sabrina Claudio! her music makes me want to buy a beach house with big windows and walk around in lingerie. It’s so sultry. I love it. I got put onto this by my friend Shelbie who has her own show on her campus radio called Vibin’ W/ Shelbzz here is a link.

It’s​ been two weeks!

Hello, blogging world!

It’s been two weeks but it feels like I haven’t written anything in months! London has changed my entire perspective and I’ve been trying to put all these feelings I have into words.

I spent these weeks trying to figure out what kind of post I should write up. I was hoping to have a solitary theme per post. Like one blog filled with inspiration and another filled with my confusions of life. I wanted to start a health post and one where I talk about bullet journaling. I had all these ideas but every time I tried to write it out, everything just faltered.

I feel like I’m in a place of limbo. There are so many new things that I need to figure out on my own. I feel like I’m fighting for my desires and reality. Fiction or nonfiction. I want so badly for things to go as I’d like. I want to be an amazing academic student where I don’t struggle in my classes. I want to trust myself, my choices and my surroundings. I tend to enjoy hearing the input of others and use that to decide on my choices but I find myself in a place where everything is solely up to me.

The thought that my life and my choices are all mines is exciting and also terrifying. In my 22 years of living, I tried to do everything I could to not be hurt or affected the way I heard other people did. When I saw someone getting their heart broken because the person they gave their heart to betrayed them. I chose to not put myself in their shoes. I told myself not to give my heart up because, why would I want to see myself hurt?

I feel like I took the “easier” path. I didn’t want to continue with school but I was swayed because I couldn’t think of what I’d do without school. I was scared and even though I hate school and the pressure of it tends to put me in dark places. I continued.

The scariest thought for me is the unknown. Not knowing what the future will hold and hoping beyond hope that things will go the way you want it. When I can’t see a direct path, I get so unnerved. With school, I know that in the end, I’ll get a degree but I have no idea that if I just took off to write if I’d get any success.  If I gave my heart up to anyone, even my friends, will it end and if so, will I get hurt?

I’ve been noticing this big wall that I’ve built around myself. I keep wondering how I break it down a bit in order to move forward and to let new things in. I just get so scared that with change and the unknown, I will get hurt.

I tend to compare my journey with others or if I’m in a weird place where I need to make a choice, I’d ask around, google it, doing research on something that can’t be controlled.

All this to say, this limbo I’m in has put me in a place where I want to change. I want to focus on myself and my greater goal. I want to make moves on the life I desire. My first step is going to therapy, my next step is giving myself a taste of this writer’s lifestyle that I desire. I want to join a novel writing class and have a writing-related internship. I want to start allowing myself to reach for things that I feel are unattainable and grow. I want to allow myself to have setbacks and just move past them. I’m so tired of being so scared to move forward.

Oh and updates and recommendations!
Update:
I quit my job. In two weeks, I’ll be done and then there will be this big festival on campus which I will use to celebrate.
I want to try out being vegan. I want to have a huge dinner with my friends first an then I want to try it out

Recommendations:
Money Heist on Netflix. IT’S SO GOOD AND PART TWO JUST CAME OUT!

Buy yourself some books! I bought Before the Devil Breaks You by Libba Bray. Book three of The Diviners series and I love it so much!. Obsidio by Amie Kaufman and Jay Kristoff book three of Illuminae. It’s the final book and I am excited to see how it all ends and last but DEFINITELY not least, Children of Blood and Bone by Tomi Adeyemi. When reading the description, it reminded me of my favorite book series Throne of Glass by Sarah J. Maas. Which is so exciting because I can get swept away into a mystical world where people look like me and have myths that have people who look like me. With names difficult to pronounce and HAIR. This book excited me so much because it’s so hard to find books in my favorite genre that has people of color. It’s even harder finding them as the main character of the story! Maybe I’ll do a post on that. Let me know if you’ll be into it.

Live for yourself. Trying and move away from depressive habits. Mine is consuming. Buying things, eating, drinking. I just take the whole world and shove it down my throat without a single thought

Becoming a writer

HELLO FROM LONDON!

*This was written a week before being here but it sounds nice so I’m leaving it*
I have a strong feeling when I return I’ll be coming back with a much more positive mindset. I have one of those feelings that I had before summer of reluctant and nervous excitement. I noticed that my body naturally rejects change when I know that it’s coming. This is something that is so obviously in the cards for me. The way it came up for me was a complete surprise and so I know that this is something for me. I am excited. I am ready and I am also hella nervous!

All that being said. Here is the post for today. lol.

Writing has been a constant to me all throughout my life and I never noticed it. It’s been one of those things that charmingly snuck up on me.

My mom gave me a journal at a very young age and told me to write out my thoughts and dreams onto it and so, I did. I wrote all about my days and experiences as a young child and I can honestly say that I have no remnants of my childhood thoughts and I wish I did. I know how much I wrote about boys I liked. I distinctly remembered having pros and cons list for the boys I liked and I obviously wrote about my day and whoever upset me that day or week. Many of my childhood journals have been scavenged through and thrown out.

I also remember writing stories. All throughout my life, I’ve had a very vivid imagination. Paying attention in class is so hard when you have the amazing stories in my head my dreams are also hella dope. They’re so complex and I love it. My most recent dream had a dog in it that can turn black and white at will. He was so cute. About 1 years old and I was so determined to adopt him, I’m hoping to adopt a pup when I return from London.

Okay but back to my imagination, I have a deep love of writing because I daydream so hard with so many crazy and vivid things and I’d like to share the things on my mind. It excites me so much when I write and weave in my thoughts and visions of the world. I feel like I’m droning off…

All of this came to mind because Neil Gaiman came to speak at my school and if you don’t know already, he is an author or American Gods, Coraline, Sandman, etc. I honestly wasn’t too excited when I heard he was coming, I’ve never read anything of his but I knew his name. I only went because my teacher offered us extra credit. I was pleasantly surprised when I got this feeling; it’s a feeling that I felt before when reading Afterworlds by Scott Westerfield. It wasn’t the best but I do enjoy reading and learning about the background of being a writer. The moments that writers share together, bonding over their own creativity and growing and learning new things together. I enjoy that support and getting advice from other writers.

Neil Gaiman told us writers in the crowd that every and anything can be mythic and that we can create an entire world or new creation by the most mundane of things. I mean, obviously but sometimes it’s just good to hear it again. To be reminded of the power to see the world differently. I really enjoyed that now that I’ here in London, I am hoping to find things to add into my stories. I’ve also been seeing characteristics within the people around me that I want to incorporate into my writing. I feel like my eyes have been opened.

He also said to just write; if you don’t write then you have nothing to edit and nothing to offer so just continuing writing will only help me grow.

I really want to be in an environment of writers and also writers of color where I can hear their stories and how they overcome their own struggles within their own writing. I feel like it will be so helpful if I were in that environment.

It also made me realize my dislike with critically analyzing literature as I’m doing now in school. I’m almost finished with my degree and I do want to further my education in writing afterwards. I just need to push through it all and I know it will be rewarding when I finally walk across that damn stage and get that paper.

I just want to carry on writing until then. If you are a writer, you now know what I’m looking for and please, feel free to contact me. I’m trying to reach out and find my crowd. I am really excited about this.

My advice for this week is to follow your dreams and your heart and stop caring about the thoughts and feelings of other people because everything is temporary. Life is too short to care about the thoughts and feelings of those who are temporary. Just take in the positivity that comes your way and try to give the same back. Mind your business and keep it pushing. Be impulsive and take risks towards your greater goal. Everyone has their own journey so jsut focus on your own.