My Birth Control Story

Hello, loves.

*I don’t want this to be a Birth Control horror story, the pill definitely helps me get through my everyday life because otherwise, I’d be miserable every day. I just want to tell my journey and you all can make your choices as you go along.*

This is a post that I’ve wanted to do for a long while because it’s so important to me. Cramps have obviously been something that I’ve been dealing with for years. Most of the times, my cramps were fine but there were some months where I’d throw up before school or damn near faint in the train. It was horrible because I didn’t really know what was happening to me. I’d just feel horrible one day and I hated it.

But about two years ago, I decided to try out birth control again. I’ve tried the shot and hated it because my hormones were crazy. I had no period for two months then a period for an entire month. I hated it so much. I tried the nuva ring and that was just weird. I have a friend who lost it in her vagina. Hell. No. I finally decided that getting an IUD would be the best choice because it’s long lasting. So, in August before going away to school, I got it.

And it was fucking horrible. Here is a video of how it was after. It’s a long story but the short version is, I almost fucking fainted.

Anyways, it’s expected that three months into having it, you will have cramps and discomfort. I was prescribed naproxen. Like hella strong ones. I had months of insane cramps and every doctor told me that they were normal one of them gave me the pill because I started bleeding and I wasn’t supposed to be bleeding with the IUD. She gave me Azurette which is a combination pill with progestin and estrogen to stop the bleeding. I continued taking the pill because it was supposed to help.

I had the worst cramps last year in January where I literally couldn’t get up from the floor. My friend had to come and get me off the floor. That night, I scheduled an appointment at Planned Parenthood to get it out. I was still on the Azurette pill so I decided to continue taking those.

Even after the IUD was taking out, I still had horrible cramps and after a while, I changed my pill to Amethyst which is a pill that stops the period. I have cramps before during and after my period now. It’s not a constant thing where every single day I get there but there are some weeks where I get cramps every day and take painkillers to calm them down.

The reason I’m so determined now to make this post is that the last week of December, I slipped up with the pill. I couldn’t get the next pack of pills because of some confusion that I won’t get into. With that, I thought about being off the pill and seeing how things would be without it. Before I tried it, I decided to try the Patch. I tried it for a week and said: “fuck it”.

I was off all birth control for like two weeks and then I had my period and it was horrible. I wanted to punch everyone and lay in bed with my heating pad and to be drugged the fuck up. The first day I knew I was going right back on the pill.

Personally, periods are not for me. Sometimes I miss it because I love being a woman. Plain and simple but I hate that for me, it’s not consistent. One day its normal and the next, I can’t get out of bed. my days are far too busy for me to stop doing things for a week. Plus, NO PREGNANCY!

I can hardly afford my damn self. I definitely don’t want a child too. That is not for me rn. I’ll definitely have a dog first!

Let me know how your journey was. I’m curious. IUD works fine for my sisters but it was the worst for me. Granted, she is a mother so maybe that’s why.

I will be making weekly vlogs in February so keep a look out!

See ya!


Change is coming!

Hello, lovelies!

I am back at school and let me tell you, this semester is going to be wild. I have either work or school every day and along with that, I am the co-president of Cheese Club still and I need to figure out how to manage it all.

In order to get myself through this semester without a panic attack or immense depression, I have a list of things that I plan on sticking to help me going. I wanted to share it because I need to be held accountable when I slip up. I’m starting all this starting February 1st. So, let’s do this! I definitely recommend creating your own because I plan on really challenging myself. I’m finna bloom!

1. Start saying “you’re welcome”. I know that it sounds weird but I was talking to my manager who is in his 40’s or 50’s and he told me how weird it is that us young people say “no problem” instead. It was bizarre because I was so compelled to just say “no problem”. Now I want to just say “you’re welcome” because why the fuck won’t I just say it?

2. I want to continue doing mindful things like going to therapy. I’ve been slacking and I know it’s good for me. I want to do meditations and although I’m taking a yoga class, I want to practice some while I’m out of class. I want to journal. I’m actually good at doing that sometimes because while in class, I just aimlessly write instead of taking notes… SOMETIMES!

3. I want to show my love and gratitude to all of my friends and family. I want to be more expressive with my thoughts and feelings.

4. Here is the pile of big stuff. I want to eat less sugar, have more fruits and veggies. I want to cook more and stop eating out as much. I want to cook healthier foods. I want to go to the gym or start jogging, go to the library and do my homework at the right times, instead of midnight before class. Along with healthy, I typically get allergy shots because my allergies are shit but I stopped going last semester and I’d love to go back so that my allergies are better.

4. I want to get my license. This is a continuous list, not just for the month of February so I can get it done. I want to learn French and Spanish. And… I seriously need to start saving. I’m going to London soon and I’m getting a dog soon and responsibilities cost money!

5. Last but not least, less alcohol! I work on Fridays so I can’t get super drunk. I want to get back to taking birth control. I’m gonna blog about that experience later this week! And I want to do my facials and deep conditioners. I want to always feel pride in how I look when I go out. I want to go out every day looking and feeling good af!

I want to make big changes this year because I feel like the way I’ve been going about things isn’t helping. Laying in bed and choosing to veg out instead of going to the gym. Ignoring healthier and beneficial choices for no reason at all. I want to be better and do better. I want to reach out to people that I want to talk to. I want to be a more open and a healthier person. I’m gonna get there. I know I may slip up but that’s fine too.

If you want to create your own list, I’m so open to it. Please share it with me!!

My recommendation of the week is The Greatest Showman. I am inspired and I’m in love. I’ve been listening to the soundtrack ever since. It’s so fucking good!

Lessons Learned at Twenty-Two

Hello, All!

So, if you don’t know already, I just turned Twenty-Two. I spent my birthday relaxing because I had a feeling that this year was the year to relax and do nothing. I thought about doing what typical 22-year-olds would do and planned to go out with my cousins on their MLK museum adventures but at the last second, I decided to just relax. I stayed in and had many questions thrown at me about why I wasn’t going out on my birthday. I had already celebrated my birthday with both friends and family before my birthday so I had no other obligations but to myself.

A few days prior to my birthday, I had a big long cry because of what I’ve honestly been calling it, a heartbreak. I had an issue with a friend who is very dear to me and I thought that nothing would be the same again and so I had a weekend just feeling bad for myself and holding in tears at work. I tried to turn to every single friend I had and my co-workers asking them how to deal with what I’m feeling and everything they said to me just didn’t feel right.

No one knew the relationship I was in. They didn’t share the moments that I shared with that friend. Everyone I told immediately said, well, who needs that relationship anyway. Fuck them! You deserve better! And so on, the whole empowering speech. Though I did enjoy the hugs they gave me, the words just made me feel worse. Like I’d never be able to be around them or act positively because of the hurt I felt in that moment. Everything they said to me was so negative and I knew did not want that.

When opening up to my friends about what was going on made me realize that:

1. I want to be a more positive person. I want to handle my problems with thoughtfulness and positivity instead of quickly turning into negativity. I’ve had years of being someone who went to yelling and cursing before thinking and crying.

I mean, it could alter from person to person but I feel like there are parts of everyone where you can understand their actions, understanding why they acted the way they did. I think there is power in not looking into the dark places in everyone and instead choosing to think more open. Obviously, after acknowledging your own feelings. Because yourself comes first!

2. EVERYONE has an experience that is similar to yours. That’s how we can so easily sympathize with being mad at a parent or heartbreak. We have our own personal reference. We all go through similar situations but we don’t acknowledge that everything is not the same.

When discussing my situation with my friends, everyone sympathized with what I was saying and dolled out their advice because they’ve been through a heartbreak before and of course, heartbreak has gone one way for them and so, heartbreak will appear for me in the same way. Just because someone’s hurt or experience sounds the same, doesn’t mean there aren’t other factors tied into that experience. Every situation is different and so, you’ve got to act accordingly.

With this one situation that I went through, I’ve learned so much. Anyone who has dealt with a heartbreak will advise you to handle yours how they went through theirs. I turned back and had a conversation with my friend and now we’re fine and when I let my friends know that I was actually okay and not a sobbing mess. They were so confused. They said I was stupid and fuck, I could be but I decided to speak about what was going on with me. I had a good conversation and I’m okay now. The bafflement and confusion is prevalent in all of my friends but I’m totally good.

We tend to project our situations and feel personally offended by our friend’s life choices. It’s our way of “protecting them” I’m a victim of that too. I have a friend who has a boyfriend and he acts dumb as hell every now and then. I know my friend is gorgeous and so damn smart and can get any man she wants but she chooses to be with him because they have great communication and he supports and encourages her and her dreams. From the outside looking in, most times, he is horrible. But from in their relationship, she is satisfied.

This situation has made me realize that I should chill with crying on everyone’s shoulder. Not because they did anything wrong, fuck, it’s in our nature, but because I want to be able to solve my own situations with my own intuition. I also don’t want my friends disliking the people I keep in my circle.

Everyone and their mother can tell you how to show up in your own life. You’ve got to start acting like your life is yours. Wait, let me reframe, I want to start acting like my life is mine. I have the power to keep the people in my life that make me happy, to accomplish any dream and to remain as open an positive as I want to be. I make my own choices. This week made me really realize that my life is totally in my own hands. I am powerful!

Side-note: I’m currently listening to “You Are A Badass at Making Money” by Jen Sincero. I love her and I love her books. They inspire me so much and make me feel so powerful. Today, i want to go get a Brazilian wax because, I love them and i was expecting to spend about $40 today but when I got to the register and asked you use my $5 birthday discount, she said that I had about $33 as rewards because for years, I made appointments online and you get point when you do that. I spent $6 on my wax so I could afford to give the woman a nicer tip than usual. I was so happy. I started getting all my free birthing stuff. Like my ice cream and moisturizer from Sephora. Today has been a great day.

I am standing in myself and my truth and I’m just empowering my damn self!

Images of Love


Hello all!

I hope all is well!

For the past few months, I’ve been in this huge mindset of wondering what love is. I’ve had conversations and discussions with people who have been in love, fell out of it and never experienced it. It’s made me want to figure out what love is for myself. I checked out some horoscope stuff that said that I was expected to be in a relationship with someone at the end of 2017.

I feel like the energies around me are directing me to the love that I’ve been desiring. A love filled with admiration, support, and thorough commitment. long with other things. These past few months, I’ve been trying to see what love is because I haven’t experienced it. I kept seeing all these visions of love, these expressions led me to imagine what it could be. I wanted to share it with you all because they’re all amazing!

Nathan Zed’s Good Enough playlists, he expressed the stages of love through music playlists.The titles have the Spotify playlist. The apple playlist is the following highlighted word. My favorite was the first, Honey. The beginnings of love, the honeymoon stage where everything is new and special. Screen Shot 2018-01-11 at 12.52.05 PM.pngThorns– the difficulties
Spiral– the… spiral
Bloom– knowing you’re good enough

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Easy on Netflix, this series shows loads of different romantic relationships in different stages of love and how they handle their romantic situations. My favorite was the lesbian couple. No spoilers.
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Friends from College on Netflix, about… friends from college. Lol. they’re all in relationships with each other or different partners and incorporating their lives in college with their lives now. They all just moved into the same area so they are bringing the gang back together. I really liked watching it because it made me wonder, “what if”.
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She’s Gotta Have It on Netflix, Fuck, I love me some Nola Darling. My sweet polyamorous queen! If you haven’t seen it already, WHY? She is an artist who is trying to make it on her own. She has three lovers, with wildly different personalities. They all are for her in their own ways and she is just trying to live her best life. It’s a remake of one of Spike Lee’s films and he is also the producer. He is so amazing and so is this TV show!
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This modern love by Will Darbyshire, this book is a collection of stories or poems of love from the experience of people all around the world. This book took so long to get through because it starts with crushes, then being in the relationship then breaking up. I enjoyed the crushes because it’s what I’ve experienced. I’ve experienced crushes from afar and crushes from up close? (lol, what?) but when it came to the parts of being in love, I just couldn’t fully read it. It was so sweet and while reading it, I started craving that for myself and, I just don’t know how to get there. I think the reason why is because the ending of a relationship is so scary. People can fall out of love or cheat or lie. How do people handle that? I still don’t get it.

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The Holiday, the movie, I chose this because one of the main characters had a hard time crying and opening up just as I do. Also, the stand apart moment was the fact that she never said that she loved the guy back! That still bothers me. Don’t you say it back? It hurts enough loving someone and not saying anything but if you say it and they don’t say it back, doesn’t that hurt?

Saying the word love. When do you say it?

For someone who hasn’t been in a relationship since I was like 12. I wonder what it would be like to be in love. To be loved. To have moments with someone and feel validated in the love that we share. I want to know how that feels. It’s one of my deepest desires. I hope that my year is filled with romantic love. I hope it’s filled with smiles from across a room, holding hands with someone, cuddles in bed, FaceTiming. I have my own ideas of what love could be but I want to know for sure what love is. I want nothing more than to be able to feel that romantic love.
I’m excited and scared but I’m ready.


Let’s try out resolutions.

Hello all. Happy New Year!

I am so excited for this new year simply because I started it off right. I set all of my intentions for the year before the year began and then I started my first few days in the new year with the support and positive energy.

I realized that I do not want to work at an actual job. I’d rather figure out ways to support myself. Honestly, it took the first day to realize that. Being tied to and responsible for something I don’t give a shit about is the fucking worst.

Having this feeling, I decided it was time for me to take the step I’ve been dying to take. I finally upgraded my blog. If you hadn’t noticed, the domain URL is different. Welcome to! Doing this is my motivation to put my energy into growing this blog and developing what makes me happy.

With that In mind, I want to discuss my “resolutions” from last year, I wanted to get all good grades and try my best not to stress as much. I got the grades but fuck, DEPRESSION! I considered getting on medication just to get through the semesters. I didn’t but really wanted to. I just got distracted. I decided that I’d get a support dog instead but I still haven’t gone through with that. I want to though. I feel like I’ll do it soon. I wanted to stay focused, become a better creator and take pictures for my blog. I haven’t actually done that last one though but I intend to. I wanted to make better vlogs and learn more about creating them. I feel like I’ve learned more in that respect.

I wanted to be happier and learn how to manage my shit. Getting a proper workout that I could stick with, which I did not. I wanted to read 21 books, I succeeded.

I wanted to get a car and my license. Didn’t do that. Nor did I take a trip but I will be doing one to London this year!

Learning how to do my make up and having a great bookstagram. Growing my hair. Going to a wine and cheese event. All of which, I did. I got new glasses and I took time to figure out what I want for my future. I wanted to make my room at home more comfortable and I really, really have.

All in all, it’s been a good year for my own personal development. There is still growth but last year was the year for me to make big changes and although it was stressful, I’m so happy I got that shit done. I feel like I’ve succeeded in last year and I’m so excited to get through next year with more positivity and excitement.

Let us see how this year will go. I know it will be great and I hope it’s the same for you too.

Back home!

Hey All!
I am home! Finally! Back in Brooklyn and kicking it with all my pals. I’ve been sleeping in and staying up late. Drinking with my homies and taking my sweet time for myself.

I didn’t notice how I’ve been neglecting myself and my self-care until I continuously woke up in the afternoon for three days straight. Lol. I needed my sleep and my space to myself. I needed movies and music and books. I needed my sweet nephew’s laughter and cracking jokes and watching Hallmark movies with my mom. I really needed to be home. In a safe space with people who always love me and also get on my nerves. Lol. Such is family.

Now, all that being said, there is something that I wanted to discuss with you all. Lately, I’ve been hearing people call me selfish. When first hearing this, I was so upset because how the hell could I be selfish when I give so much of myself away to people. Giving my time and energy to other people’s bullshit. It took being called selfish for the second time for me to actually realize that I am being selfish.

This semester that I went through where I had to deal with my own stress and mental issues along with like 10 other people’s stress and mental issues. This semester, I started taking more and more time to myself and doing things that gave me comfort. I slipped away from the responsibility of dealing with Becca and her shit and instead, made a hot chocolate and took a bath and watched something on Netflix. I used the little bit of money that I had to buy things that would center me. My goal was to become centered while being at school. It did not happen all the time but at times, it was manageable. This semester was so hard because I had so much shit to handle outside of my own studies, which I didn’t handle very well.

Now that I am home, I am refusing to chop off pieces of myself to give to the woes of everyone. If I want something, I’m going to get it. If I want to relax, I’m going to. I spent far too much time catering to the needs of everyone around me. My fucking plants are even dying. My health isn’t where I’d like it to be. I want to take care of myself. My mental health and physical health. I want to be in myself and enjoy myself. I am responsible for my own shit. I’ve accepted that I can’t place my life in other people’s hands. I need to take care of myself. I want to scream that from the rooftops. Being selfish is okay. Nothing is wrong with taking care of yourself first. Keep the people who make you feel good. Ditch the people who make you feel good. Enjoy yourself and your choices. Take care of you!

Peace out, girl scout!

Ending the Semester

Hello, I am barely making it this semester. Watch my struggles in my vlogmas.

I am behind in my work, I haven’t studied for my finals because I’m working all weekend. I don’t really care about any of my classes. I’m starting to not even care about passing or failing because I just want to feel again. I want to sleep, I want to not be sick, I want to make sure that my body and mind is feeling 100%. I want to be making myself more and more successful. This semester has really dragged me down and I feel like it’s because I continuously thought about the word responsibility.

I thought about all the things I’m responsible for and how I can be more of an independent woman. I always think about which choices I can make that’s good for me and whether or not my choices are affecting other people. I tried so hard being responsible for cheese club and the member’s feelings, being mindful of my roommates and sacrificing small things to keep everyone on good terms. Trying to be my best at school and work not because it’s what I want but I know that my mom and other people I look up to would be happy seeing how great I’m doing.

I’ve been thinking all day about whether or not my actions are for me. If I’m doing things because it’s good for me or if it’s just good for those around me.

Now, I try and think if I’m not doing what’s good for me now, what would it actually look like?

I know that I want to be creating my own brand/business. I am just so unsure of how that would look and how to achieve it. I don’t feel like I have any energy left to focus on myself.

I also feel like being a busy person also makes people sacrifice the good things in their lives.

I have so much going on within myself. Issues with trusting the people around me and managing my time. I know that I am so much better mentally when I can sleep well. I want to work on my own time and actually making some damn money.

I want to go to London with a friend from work. Even having money for myself is hard.

I’m hoping for some clarity tonight with JAIA, there is an event called a Taize. My fingers are crossed and I’m praying for you all who are going through anything similar.