to all the boys who never loved me

I obviously had a year of some mild heartbreak……

To All The Boys Who Never Loved Me
I’d like to say you’re stupid

how could you choose
the skip over
my expensive
hopeless romantic love

how dumb could you be
the skip over all this treasure
the fall for knock-off love

To All The Boys Who Never Loved Me
I gave you so much of me
I gave you a taste of my
love, my appreciation and you
used it as a doormat

To All The Boys Who Never Loved Me
I want to thank you

I want to thank you
for your stupid choices

although I got hurt
I am also happy
I am happy that I’ve
Learned

I’ve learned that in “loving”
You, I forgot to love myself
I forgot how important
I am while “loving” you

I want to thank you
for not loving me back
because I love I would
Have given you would
have ruined me

I would have broken
myself in half to make
you happy

so all the boys who never loved me
I thank you for

helping me realize

I needed to love myself

thank you for not loving me back
now I can love someone better,
Me

to all the boys who never loved me
thank you for being dumb as hell
thank you for not loving me
while you were still broken
because two broken people
don’t make a whole one

thank you for coming into my life
to help me grow
and become a better me
I just wish the same
because you were just as dumb as me.

Featured imagine found on Twitter.

 

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Home

I wrote a poem about the home that I’ve been dreaming about for the past few months. The place I plan on staying by myself and feeling the most comfort.

Home

where tea is overflowing
and coziness is one step away

we’re soft music will fill the silence
we’re the only troubling voices
are your own or your pets

where you choose to be social
when calling to chat is in your power

where the characters in your books
become well-known friends

where you can hear and acknowledge
what your heart asks of you

where creativity is around every corner

where my heart can finally sit still
warm and loved
it is home.

 

The featured image was found on tumblr.

Intertwined

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! I have a feelings it’s going to be a GREAT year!!! I’M STARTING OFF THE NEW YEAR WITH POEMS!!! I WROTE A BUNCH BEFORE THE YEAR ENDED!

Intertwined
connected like trees
who’ve grown together

connected
like s
ouls
who have

unknowingly morphed
together

sometimes, I don’t know
what’s yours
and what’s mine

sometimes I feel your energy
as if it’s my own

sometimes, I think of
when I connected with you

emotionally in bed talking
about our hurt
hours on the phone
just brightening each other’s day.

feeling your touch on me.

intertwined.
not knowing where your
body started and mine began

feeling your breathing.
knowing you’re there for me
in a way no one has been.

and no one will be.

just as you are/

we are branches that have
grown so close together

I don’t know which pieces
are made of you or which
is made of me

we’ve been ripped apart by a storm
and who knows
if you will be
brought back together

knowing that we are apart,
are we meant to remain
broken and Droopy?

or will we connect
once again?

what we grow to
stand on our own?

will we become two different
trees, blooming
next to each other
but never touching?

NEW MOOD ALERT!

Hey, cuties!!

The way these past few months went, I’ve finally decided that I want to change so much!! I’ve been wanting so much for myself but I haven’t been moving in alignment with my desires and that’s what I really need to be doing.

I want to be healthy and lose weight. I’ve been gaining weight like crazy for the past few months and it wouldn’t be that much of a big deal if I didn’t notice how unhealthy and disgusting I’ve been feeling. I want to actually exercise instead of saying that I will and not doing it. I can work out every day but I don’t. I promise myself that I will now.

I’ve been wanting to fall in love but trying to rush the process with the wrong people. Shit, I’ve even been humoring and dating the wrong people just because I’ve been craving that experience.

I’ve been letting my impulsive behavior get the best of me. I’ve been drinking and eating like there is no tomorrow. I’ve been shoving all this gross shit down my thoughts and making myself feel like trash. I’m over it! I deserve better! I deserve to treat myself better. I want to get focused and begin to HUSTLE!

Doing what I want for my future and start planning for my desires. I WANT TO START WORKING! But I do have an impulsive nature and I’ll need to meditate to keep myself centered. I forget how much I love rushing things. My new aim is to work for what I want and to also be mindful and patient with what comes my way. I am the queen of multitasking and sometimes I don’t finish things off right.

I want to be similar to Alfie Deyes, who used to barely post or be on his game and now look at him, killing the game. Getting shit done. I’ve always loved watching his videos because they inspire me. I feel weird about a white man inspiring me but… I do admire his hustle, even though it won’t come as easily to me as it does to him.

ANYWAYS! Let’s end this off with a recommendation

Stop eating dairy! I’m sitting in this Starbucks with nasty smelling farts because I decided to eat ice cream and cake (with dairy in it) for the past few days. My stomach feels like garbage and my stomach is so bloated, I look pregnant.

Let it Snow by John Green| The Jubilee Express by Maureen Johnson (spoilers)

Hello, beauties!

I’m buddy reading Let it Snow with a friend, Marshall (Lostinderry). I plan on being done before Christmas. Every time I finish one of the three stories, I will be writing a review.

Now, let us begin!

I did not like this story! I love love love Christmas romance stories. I am honestly a slut for a good one. This was not it.

When discussing with my fellow buddy reader, Marshall, I realized how much I wanted to write about it. Marshall isn’t very big on teen romance so he felt like the choppy paced story was normal but it totally isn’t!

I’ve read better pieces of romance, fantasy, holiday stories etc. from a teen girl’s narrative and it’s been so much better than this.

I just don’t feel like her actions made sense. She got off the train after the train broke down for no reason and then we get introduced to some boy on the train for no reason then they chose to walk in the snow when there were no urgent situations. Why leave the safety of Waffle House to go to a strange boy’s house? Why is she doing all this?

I’ve read about teen girls in love and granted, teens in love are always stupid because they’re young and don’t have everything together but I feel like there should be more reasoning to her actions. She chose to travel a mile or half a mile during a blizzard and over an icy river because this cute boy had a picture of a “girlfriend” in his wallet which deemed him trustworthy.

A short story like this has to make some logical sense. I feel like the story was forced. I’ve read some truly amazing short stories that are able to fill in the gaps in the story so that the reader isn’t questioning anything. Some are so good that it makes the reader want more.

I just wanted it to end.

There needed to be useful pieces of information that lead her to make all these moves. I don’t even feel like I could understand her personality either.

I feel like even in this story, we were given meaningless information, like when the train was halted and she talked about some bird or something. That was super unnecessary.

The book DRAGGED! The only character I actually liked was the mother. Anyways, fuck that story. I’m on to the next one!!

Let’s start again!

Howdy kiddos, let’s get this thing going!!

Now, that I’ve finished my weird opening, let’s just chat.

I spent that last three months stressing in college, learning about myself and crashing and growing.

Through all that, I realized that I wasn’t doing all that I wanted to. I stumbled upon the bookish community and remembered that I’ve been promising myself to join this community for years but I never did because I felt like what I needed to say was just stupid.

I realized how crazy that sounds, so I decided that I will finally start book blogging. I plan on creating a schedule where I post at least once a week. I am hoping for two blog posts and to post videos more often.

I’m really excited to bring back my blogging lifestyle! It’s going to be super amazing! I don’t even plan on waiting for the new year! I am planning on just jumping into things!

LOOK OUT! I think I will definitely be posting on every Friday and possibly on Wednesdays becasue I love going to Starbucks and writing in the nearby Starbucks!

TIME TO BRING BACK RECCOMENDATIONS!!

Get Scribd!!! It’s amazing! The first month was free and it is amazing as shit!!! I HAVE SO MANY FREE BOOKS!!

That’s it. Enjoy it!!

First Semester of Senior Year

Every week of my 1st senior semester. I am writing something short to be posted when it’s all done.

9/05/18 12:49 a.m at work

Why do book releases take so long and why do I books to read for school that distracts my leisure reading?

Graduation sounds cool because I can read and write my own shit but then, I need to make my own money and that is scary.

9/12/18- typed up on Sunday but thought of on that Wednesday

My teacher is batshit crazy. She sends us a million emails a day and then a passive-aggressive email about how early it is in the semester to not be doing work. I sent her an email about me having a possible autoimmune disease and then she offered to let me see her doctor. College is a whole ass mess!

9/23/18
I’m getting really good at angrily speed reading my homework and still absorbing the text. I literally can’t wait until my job finally pays me because I hate being broke.

10/03/18

WHY DO PEOPLE ACT LIKE BREAKUPS ARE EASY TO GET OVER!?!?! All I want to do is talk to my best friend about all of my life changes but I cannot!
I’m also very tired of college and reading the bible every week. I even hate listening to the fucking audiobook. How are there only four posts? I feel like I’ve been here for years.

10/16/18

I’m both really excited to graduate and also don’t want to. I’m tired of this shit.

11/14/18

Wudduhp! It’s ya boi! I forgot to type up new shit for damn near a month. I cannot wait to go home for Thanksgiving on Monday even though my family is a fucking mess. I am really looking forward to being away from school. I have so much shit to do. Thanksgiving might be crazy.

I hate how stupid people are when they come into the library. Why do people come up to me and ask if I know if we have one specific book in the hundreds of thousands of books we have? Bitch go look it up!

Also, dating is weird because men are weird. I don’t understand them. They require so much patience. I hate things that require patience. Maybe I should meditate or go boxing.

Dec. 12
I haven’t written in weeks, everything got super hectic and I just couldn’t focus.
This semester is done for me tomorrow and I will be heading home.

I made a lot of great friends this semester, I’ve bonded with some amazing Lit people (teachers included). I’ve been betrayed, I’ve dated, I got hurt, I’ve experienced a new form of depression, I’ve learned a lot about myself and how my past shows up in my life today.

I realized that drinking is not the best for me and I think I’m going to go sober. I have an impulsive nature and that tied with my history with an alcoholic father is just not a good mix. I’m constantly terrified that I will be like him. I feel like I have some things I need to sort out when it comes to experiencing so much trauma. I think it would be best if I figured it all out sober. I’ve had too many drunken nights having breakdowns about how my father beat me and I’ll be like him.

It hasn’t been coming out very well. I’ve been exploding on other people instead of doing my typical imploding. I also cut myself again this semester. It was small but I hate that I did it. I feel like it’s best if I started making some changes for real and help myself out.

I’m really excited to be finished with this semester of college. I’m so ready to have my chill final semester. I WILL BE PASSING ALL MY CLASSES (Speaking it into existence). Next semester, I have one class called Visions of Dystopia which will totally be dope as shit. I just need to get my license. I’m really looking forward to finishing my last exam and headig into the new year. I have so many plans!!