NEW MOOD ALERT!

Hey, cuties!!

The way these past few months went, I’ve finally decided that I want to change so much!! I’ve been wanting so much for myself but I haven’t been moving in alignment with my desires and that’s what I really need to be doing.

I want to be healthy and lose weight. I’ve been gaining weight like crazy for the past few months and it wouldn’t be that much of a big deal if I didn’t notice how unhealthy and disgusting I’ve been feeling. I want to actually exercise instead of saying that I will and not doing it. I can work out every day but I don’t. I promise myself that I will now.

I’ve been wanting to fall in love but trying to rush the process with the wrong people. Shit, I’ve even been humoring and dating the wrong people just because I’ve been craving that experience.

I’ve been letting my impulsive behavior get the best of me. I’ve been drinking and eating like there is no tomorrow. I’ve been shoving all this gross shit down my thoughts and making myself feel like trash. I’m over it! I deserve better! I deserve to treat myself better. I want to get focused and begin to HUSTLE!

Doing what I want for my future and start planning for my desires. I WANT TO START WORKING! But I do have an impulsive nature and I’ll need to meditate to keep myself centered. I forget how much I love rushing things. My new aim is to work for what I want and to also be mindful and patient with what comes my way. I am the queen of multitasking and sometimes I don’t finish things off right.

I want to be similar to Alfie Deyes, who used to barely post or be on his game and now look at him, killing the game. Getting shit done. I’ve always loved watching his videos because they inspire me. I feel weird about a white man inspiring me but… I do admire his hustle, even though it won’t come as easily to me as it does to him.

ANYWAYS! Let’s end this off with a recommendation

Stop eating dairy! I’m sitting in this Starbucks with nasty smelling farts because I decided to eat ice cream and cake (with dairy in it) for the past few days. My stomach feels like garbage and my stomach is so bloated, I look pregnant.

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Let it Snow by John Green| The Jubilee Express by Maureen Johnson (spoilers)

Hello, beauties!

I’m buddy reading Let it Snow with a friend, Marshall (Lostinderry). I plan on being done before Christmas. Every time I finish one of the three stories, I will be writing a review.

Now, let us begin!

I did not like this story! I love love love Christmas romance stories. I am honestly a slut for a good one. This was not it.

When discussing with my fellow buddy reader, Marshall, I realized how much I wanted to write about it. Marshall isn’t very big on teen romance so he felt like the choppy paced story was normal but it totally isn’t!

I’ve read better pieces of romance, fantasy, holiday stories etc. from a teen girl’s narrative and it’s been so much better than this.

I just don’t feel like her actions made sense. She got off the train after the train broke down for no reason and then we get introduced to some boy on the train for no reason then they chose to walk in the snow when there were no urgent situations. Why leave the safety of Waffle House to go to a strange boy’s house? Why is she doing all this?

I’ve read about teen girls in love and granted, teens in love are always stupid because they’re young and don’t have everything together but I feel like there should be more reasoning to her actions. She chose to travel a mile or half a mile during a blizzard and over an icy river because this cute boy had a picture of a “girlfriend” in his wallet which deemed him trustworthy.

A short story like this has to make some logical sense. I feel like the story was forced. I’ve read some truly amazing short stories that are able to fill in the gaps in the story so that the reader isn’t questioning anything. Some are so good that it makes the reader want more.

I just wanted it to end.

There needed to be useful pieces of information that lead her to make all these moves. I don’t even feel like I could understand her personality either.

I feel like even in this story, we were given meaningless information, like when the train was halted and she talked about some bird or something. That was super unnecessary.

The book DRAGGED! The only character I actually liked was the mother. Anyways, fuck that story. I’m on to the next one!!

Let’s start again!

Howdy kiddos, let’s get this thing going!!

Now, that I’ve finished my weird opening, let’s just chat.

I spent that last three months stressing in college, learning about myself and crashing and growing.

Through all that, I realized that I wasn’t doing all that I wanted to. I stumbled upon the bookish community and remembered that I’ve been promising myself to join this community for years but I never did because I felt like what I needed to say was just stupid.

I realized how crazy that sounds, so I decided that I will finally start book blogging. I plan on creating a schedule where I post at least once a week. I am hoping for two blog posts and to post videos more often.

I’m really excited to bring back my blogging lifestyle! It’s going to be super amazing! I don’t even plan on waiting for the new year! I am planning on just jumping into things!

LOOK OUT! I think I will definitely be posting on every Friday and possibly on Wednesdays becasue I love going to Starbucks and writing in the nearby Starbucks!

TIME TO BRING BACK RECCOMENDATIONS!!

Get Scribd!!! It’s amazing! The first month was free and it is amazing as shit!!! I HAVE SO MANY FREE BOOKS!!

That’s it. Enjoy it!!

First Semester of Senior Year

Every week of my 1st senior semester. I am writing something short to be posted when it’s all done.

9/05/18 12:49 a.m at work

Why do book releases take so long and why do I books to read for school that distracts my leisure reading?

Graduation sounds cool because I can read and write my own shit but then, I need to make my own money and that is scary.

9/12/18- typed up on Sunday but thought of on that Wednesday

My teacher is batshit crazy. She sends us a million emails a day and then a passive-aggressive email about how early it is in the semester to not be doing work. I sent her an email about me having a possible autoimmune disease and then she offered to let me see her doctor. College is a whole ass mess!

9/23/18
I’m getting really good at angrily speed reading my homework and still absorbing the text. I literally can’t wait until my job finally pays me because I hate being broke.

10/03/18

WHY DO PEOPLE ACT LIKE BREAKUPS ARE EASY TO GET OVER!?!?! All I want to do is talk to my best friend about all of my life changes but I cannot!
I’m also very tired of college and reading the bible every week. I even hate listening to the fucking audiobook. How are there only four posts? I feel like I’ve been here for years.

10/16/18

I’m both really excited to graduate and also don’t want to. I’m tired of this shit.

11/14/18

Wudduhp! It’s ya boi! I forgot to type up new shit for damn near a month. I cannot wait to go home for Thanksgiving on Monday even though my family is a fucking mess. I am really looking forward to being away from school. I have so much shit to do. Thanksgiving might be crazy.

I hate how stupid people are when they come into the library. Why do people come up to me and ask if I know if we have one specific book in the hundreds of thousands of books we have? Bitch go look it up!

Also, dating is weird because men are weird. I don’t understand them. They require so much patience. I hate things that require patience. Maybe I should meditate or go boxing.

Dec. 12
I haven’t written in weeks, everything got super hectic and I just couldn’t focus.
This semester is done for me tomorrow and I will be heading home.

I made a lot of great friends this semester, I’ve bonded with some amazing Lit people (teachers included). I’ve been betrayed, I’ve dated, I got hurt, I’ve experienced a new form of depression, I’ve learned a lot about myself and how my past shows up in my life today.

I realized that drinking is not the best for me and I think I’m going to go sober. I have an impulsive nature and that tied with my history with an alcoholic father is just not a good mix. I’m constantly terrified that I will be like him. I feel like I have some things I need to sort out when it comes to experiencing so much trauma. I think it would be best if I figured it all out sober. I’ve had too many drunken nights having breakdowns about how my father beat me and I’ll be like him.

It hasn’t been coming out very well. I’ve been exploding on other people instead of doing my typical imploding. I also cut myself again this semester. It was small but I hate that I did it. I feel like it’s best if I started making some changes for real and help myself out.

I’m really excited to be finished with this semester of college. I’m so ready to have my chill final semester. I WILL BE PASSING ALL MY CLASSES (Speaking it into existence). Next semester, I have one class called Visions of Dystopia which will totally be dope as shit. I just need to get my license. I’m really looking forward to finishing my last exam and headig into the new year. I have so many plans!!

What’s been going on?

Howdy homies!

Here is my sad story.

So around 15 or 14, I went to my very first therapist appointment. I went because my father punched me in the face.

This wasn’t the first time, my father is an alcoholic and when he drinks, he gets very aggressive. My siblings and I would be told how useless and ugly we are and we’d get beaten up and the day after, he wouldn’t remember, nor would he apologize for what he’s put us through.

There have been times after a big fight where my mom would say we’d move out and live away from him.

As a child, I’d hear my parents argue all the time, I’d think of which parent I’d like to live with.

It was always my mom because she actually knows how to run a home but my father knew how to buy toys so I figured I’d just visit him. I had it all planned out with my sister but it never happened. My parents stayed together and fought each other every step of the way. My father would drink, my mom, who was exhausted from her own physical and mental health issues. She’d refuse to join in conflicts with my dad and when he’d argue with me or one of my sisters, my mother would tell us to just listen to all of his horrible words and just take it.

So much of my childhood was trying to be convinced by my mom and myself that it was okay for someone to speak to me and treat me that way.

My parents often felt like because they supplied financial security, it was okay for us to endure that kind of abuse. Dad would always brush off every one of our problems and concerns because he and my mother worked and we were in good schools and always fed and clothed. Neither of my parents would admit their wrongdoings or that there needed to be changed within our home.

My older sister finally had enough, she was tired of seeing her baby sisters getting abused so she began sending us to therapy. I remember going to solo therapy and group therapy with my sister and other kids who were abused.

My dad had to come in on a session of my solo therapy when I was maybe 15 or so and I remember him trying to blame me for being a teenager instead of taking accountability for his choices as an adult

I remember there was an ACS case for the family and my mother trying to guilt me for filing something against my father. They ordered him to go to AA meetings but he never went and it was never followed up.

I spent more years of fighting on holidays and being told how ugly and worthless I was and I started to believe it. In high school, I told myself not to try dating people. The books that I read had characters who seemed so put together and didn’t have all this baggage and trauma.

I believed that without all these damn issues would make it easier to fall for me.

I closed my mind and my heart to the idea that I’d actually find a love for myself. I decided to stay away from it all. To just go to therapy and find my way in life. I told myself in the beginning that I was just choosing myself but in the end, I was just too scared to get in anything. I thought I’d destroy any relationship I got into because I’d be abusive and alcoholic like my father. Maybe I’d had an inability to be affectionate because I never grew up with that. I had so many ideas that stuck with me for so long.

Starting from last year, I told myself that I’d actively find a love for myself, I’d actually put myself out there. I truly, truly tried but I did spend most of this year stuck in “love” with a guy who wasn’t interested in me at all.

I’m back out here and trying but all those years of putting myself down, get in my head.

I’ve decided that along with reminding myself of my worth, I will also do research on how my childhood could affect my adulthood. I chose to avoid all of that research but if I found self-help books I can not only educate myself but also learn how to become more successful in my day to day life.

Being a child of so much abuse is so hard. I second guess everything I do. I am constantly anxious and hoping I operate like a normal human being because who else has to deal with this kind of bullshit? I feel like I’ve been putting my experiences ahead of everything around me. Thinking I am somehow debilitated because of my past.

Things shall be sorted out eventually but for now, I’m gonna sit and sort out my shit.

Rosa Parks episode on Doctor Who

So, I really want to get into the new Doctor on Doctor Who because I love the idea that the future is female and I know that it is. Women are so amazing and we are breaking fucking ceilings!

My issues are that when having a  female doctor, the doctor being a man for centuries. How does she immediately become this whole weird feminist puppy with softy eyes? The changing development of each doctor makes some sort of sense, 11 got young and was all happy and adventurous after losing Rose. Then we get 12 who is old and angry because he had so many loses and he was quite tired.

I don’t like the depiction of the character. I feel like the writers could have done better because they warped her into a feminist instead of a damn person.

I don’t feel like there is really a feminist trope for strong female characters. Hear me out, okay? They group with other female characters and gather as feminine softies instead of just being people.

The doctor is going through time and space discovering more and more powerful woman and they’re fangirling and teaming up which is wasting the damn show. I feel like Doctor Who right now is just showing other strong women in different areas in time and space instead of just being hella geeked out. The other Doctors were able to explore time and space and had their own direct storylines but for 13, she doesn’t get that courtesy, women need to stand for women and that is that. It’s totally boring. Politics are super interesting and Doctor Who has put in social issues in the past and its what I love about this show but I don’t feel like that is being done for this season.

They did Rosa Parks so wrong, Doctor Who, being the show that it is, they could have done a better job with Rosa Parks.

First of all, the whole Rosa Parks thing was staged, the woman who actually did it was Claudette Colvin. She did it first and Rosa Parks reenacted it, go look it up!
(there are two links there btw). They could have revealed the actual story, the Claudette Colvin deserves a widely known story. Why didn’t they do their research? Look shit up.

Also, why are all the bad guys men? or at least that’s what I noticed.
Also, that man who got pregnant in episode 5, The Tsuranga Conundrum but didn’t want to keep his kid because he couldn’t handle it and needed men to be with him while he gave birth? Fucking boring! I just feel like the writers aren’t thinking big enough.

Cuffing Season?

Howdy!!!!

I’m back! College is hard especially when you overthink every step you take. I am trying not to. I am processing, I will post about that soon…. hopefully! I make no promises.

*This post is from a cis bi person who enjoys monogamous relationships

Anyway, I have this friend, I will name him Johny for this post. We love Johny, Johny is the homie but Johny has so many hard times with relationships and sometimes Johny is a bit snarky with the conversation of love and all of its excitements!

Today we had a conversation about both of our interest in dating people, mine for commitment and him for sex. lol.

He told me that no matter what person I’m interested in, I am guaranteed to get them simply because it’s cuffing season.

Now, I swear I am so behind on the whole dating scene because I refused to date due to my childhood trauma (hahaha, you’ll find out in a later post). I’m at a point where I am determined to forgo that belief and to move forward into a healthier and happy life with another person one day.

Now with all that hope, you could understand why I’m a bit sketchy about the whole cuffing season thing.

Do people purposely get into “cuffing season” relationships? Like, do people voluntarily mixed themselves up with people during the cold seasons only to drop them in the future? Just so that they don’t have to be alone? For a body to cuddle with?

Honestly, that sounds fucking SAD. Full shadeeee!

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Might as well find a continuous fuck buddy with the knowledge that nothing will come of it. Like why not walk into a relationship and say, “I just want someone who physically gives me comfort during these cold months. Are you down?

Otherwise, by the time, Valentine’s Day comes around one or both of you are skirting around the possibilities and knowing that both of you will end things soon.

I feel like it’s such a high school concept, the cuffing season, 4 or 5 months of a fake relationship. Aren’t relationships supposed to made of connecting with people and growth and understanding and all that happy shit? What do you even do in a “cuffing season” relationship?

According to the internet, you don’t invite them to hang out with friends or family. Do you even get all those cute moments at the beginning of a relationship? No, because you’re mostly cuddled in PJ’s and doing nothing but Netflix and sex.

If anyone could tell me the value of a “cuffing season” relationship, I’d be all ears but that all sounds crazy to me. There are relationships that are openly nonmonogamous or not long term but those are discussed in the beginning. If you follow the dating season calendar, you’d be back on the market by summer. Might as well stick with someone until it all fizzles out.

Oh… the stupidity. Just get a heated blanket or a weighted one and go on a meditation retreat and find yourself.

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Anyways, new posts coming up soon! Look out, loves!<3

Autumn tag!! 🍂🎃

  1. wool or Knit sweaters?
    Sweaters of all kind, please.
  2. Store-bought pumpkins or buying pumpkins at the pumpkin patch?
    Pumpkin patch
  3. favorite fall song or any song that reminds you of fall?
    Sweater Weather by The Neighbourhood for the aesthetic. lol
  4. exploring haunted houses or going to a Halloween party?
  5. whats your favorite fall book?
    I don’t have one. Anything magical or poetic.
  6. do you like pumpkin spice lattes?
    I like soy chai lattes with vanilla and pumpkin spice
  7. apple pie or pumpkin pie?
    apple pie
  8. what are your favorite flavored pumpkin spice treats?
    bagels
  9. favorite fall / Halloween movie/show?
    Hilda (show on Netflix
  10. coffee or tea?
    tea
  11. what are you going to be this year for Halloween?
    in bed.
  12. haunted houses or haunted corn maze?
    corn maze
  13. Do you like apple cider?
    YES! new fave is with butterscotch schnapps and fireball… thanks, Rachel
  14. do you decorate for Halloween?
    not my thing
  15. favorite fall activity?
    being bundled up
  16. favorite fall candle?
    anything with vanilla
  17. staying in watching Halloween movies or going to a Halloween party?
    movies
  18. what are your plans for Halloween?
    staying in
  19. any plans for the month of October?
    writing 15 pages of my senior project and more writing for my novel so that I can join NaNoWriMo.
  20. black cats or bats?
    cats.
  21. beanies or hats?
    hats. My fro is too much for beanies.
  22. do you get easily scared or do you do the scaring?
    both.
  23. do you like Halloween crafting?
    does crocheting count?

Autumn “This or That” Asks

Catching up on some posts with some “this or that”

  1. “Autumn” or “Fall?

    Autumn because it sounds posher.

  2. Pumpkin Carving or Apple Picking?

    Apple picking because it’s hella fun. Pumpkin Carving is fun too but I’ve done it once or twice before but apple picking is dope! I can’t wait to go with my roommates this Autumn.

  3. Halloween or Thanksgiving?

    Thanksgiving. DUH! There’s food, family, friends, and wine.

  4. Cashmere or Flannel?

    Cashmere is cozy as hell.

  5. Cool and Crisp or Warm and Foggy?

    Cool and Crisp! I can wear my cozy clothes!

  6. Yankee Candles or Roaring Fireplace?

    BOTH! I want both the candles and a roaring fire.

  7. Scarves or Berets?

    Scarves. Why the fuck do people wear Berets?

  8. Cinnamon or Nutmeg?

    Both, especially on a chai latte or a hot chocolate.

  9. Reading a Book or Watching a Movie?

    Both. I’m a huge book nerd and I love tv and movies.

  10. Halloweentown or Nightmare Before Christmas?

    Halloweentown is my childhood! Nightmare Before Christmas scared me as a kid.

  11. Hot Chocolate or Apple Cider?

    Hot chocolate more than apple cider. I drink a hot chocolate damn near any day but I do like apple cider.
  12. Wool Socks or Slippers?

    Both. That combo is amazing for cozy time!

  13. Trick or Treat?

    Trick ’em.

  14. Marshmallows or Whipped Cream?

    Whipped cream.

  15. Jack or Sally?

    Sally.

  16. Goosebumps or Are You Afraid of the Dark?

    Goosebumps.

  17. Plaid or Neutrals?

    Neutrals.

  18. Coffee or Tea?

    TEA.

  19. Studyblr or Halloween Blog?

    Studyblr is my shit all year round.

  20. Red or Gold?

    Both.

  21. Blankets or Pillows?

    Blankets.

  22. Cabins or Cottages?

    Cabin.

  23. Scary or Spoopy?

    Spoopy.

  24. Sweaters or Boots?

    Both.

  25. Caramel Apples or Candy Apples?

    Neither.

  26. Hay Rides or Leaf Peeking?

    Both are fun as shit.

My Senior Project

Hey! I am sad today but at least I got paid and I mean PAID because I picked up an extra shift so… MORE MONEY!

I’m looking forward to going home this weekend. I’m trying to get my Senior Project done, I will refer to it as SP for the remainder of this post.

My senior project will be about the representation of black people in science fiction literature. I was going to write about people of color in general but it would be too grand. I’ve been discussing why black people aren’t too into sci-fi and I realized it would be far too intense to gather all the information for people of color in America.

The perk of writing this project is really about the many black female writers who are KILLING the game in sci-fi. Octavia E. Butler is a queen who was one of the first black science fiction writers.

I’m mostly talking about this because I really want to get up to ten pages of my project before I go home tomorrow but I just started watching Grey’s Anatomy. I’m really hoping I get my project done. This show is just pretty damn good!

I’m gonna get back to the show! Lol.