let’s take a chance


let’s take a chance
what’s living in our truth
let’s be authentic with ourselves
always and completely

let’s acknowledge when we must
forgive ourselves, others, circumstances

Let’s  be clear about what we need,
always and allow ourselves to

be responsible about that

we are made of love and deserve

love. I am now aware of that

I apologize to myself

for taking so long to realize that

but I forgive myself

 

I’m going to own up to my mistakes

to stay in my integrity;

continue to persevere

and to gain a deeper understanding

love myself


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to all the boys who never loved me

I obviously had a year of some mild heartbreak……

To All The Boys Who Never Loved Me
I’d like to say you’re stupid

how could you choose
the skip over
my expensive
hopeless romantic love

how dumb could you be
the skip over all this treasure
the fall for knock-off love

To All The Boys Who Never Loved Me
I gave you so much of me
I gave you a taste of my
love, my appreciation and you
used it as a doormat

To All The Boys Who Never Loved Me
I want to thank you

I want to thank you
for your stupid choices

although I got hurt
I am also happy
I am happy that I’ve
Learned

I’ve learned that in “loving”
You, I forgot to love myself
I forgot how important
I am while “loving” you

I want to thank you
for not loving me back
because I love I would
Have given you would
have ruined me

I would have broken
myself in half to make
you happy

so all the boys who never loved me
I thank you for

helping me realize

I needed to love myself

thank you for not loving me back
now I can love someone better,
Me

to all the boys who never loved me
thank you for being dumb as hell
thank you for not loving me
while you were still broken
because two broken people
don’t make a whole one

thank you for coming into my life
to help me grow
and become a better me
I just wish the same
because you were just as dumb as me.

Featured imagine found on Twitter.

 

Home

I wrote a poem about the home that I’ve been dreaming about for the past few months. The place I plan on staying by myself and feeling the most comfort.

Home

where tea is overflowing
and coziness is one step away

we’re soft music will fill the silence
we’re the only troubling voices
are your own or your pets

where you choose to be social
when calling to chat is in your power

where the characters in your books
become well-known friends

where you can hear and acknowledge
what your heart asks of you

where creativity is around every corner

where my heart can finally sit still
warm and loved
it is home.

The featured image was found on tumblr.

Intertwined

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! I have a feelings it’s going to be a GREAT year!!! I’M STARTING OFF THE NEW YEAR WITH POEMS!!! I WROTE A BUNCH BEFORE THE YEAR ENDED!

Intertwined
connected like trees
who’ve grown together

connected
like s
ouls
who have

unknowingly morphed
together

sometimes, I don’t know
what’s yours
and what’s mine

sometimes I feel your energy
as if it’s my own

sometimes, I think of
when I connected with you

emotionally in bed talking
about our hurt
hours on the phone
just brightening each other’s day.

feeling your touch on me.

intertwined.
not knowing where your
body started and mine began

feeling your breathing.
knowing you’re there for me
in a way no one has been.

and no one will be.

just as you are/

we are branches that have
grown so close together

I don’t know which pieces
are made of you or which
is made of me

we’ve been ripped apart by a storm
and who knows
if you will be
brought back together

knowing that we are apart,
are we meant to remain
broken and Droopy?

or will we connect
once again?

what we grow to
stand on our own?

will we become two different
trees, blooming
next to each other
but never touching?

NEW MOOD ALERT!

Hey, cuties!!

The way these past few months went, I’ve finally decided that I want to change so much!! I’ve been wanting so much for myself but I haven’t been moving in alignment with my desires and that’s what I really need to be doing.

I want to be healthy and lose weight. I’ve been gaining weight like crazy for the past few months and it wouldn’t be that much of a big deal if I didn’t notice how unhealthy and disgusting I’ve been feeling. I want to actually exercise instead of saying that I will and not doing it. I can work out every day but I don’t. I promise myself that I will now.

I’ve been wanting to fall in love but trying to rush the process with the wrong people. Shit, I’ve even been humoring and dating the wrong people just because I’ve been craving that experience.

I’ve been letting my impulsive behavior get the best of me. I’ve been drinking and eating like there is no tomorrow. I’ve been shoving all this gross shit down my thoughts and making myself feel like trash. I’m over it! I deserve better! I deserve to treat myself better. I want to get focused and begin to HUSTLE!

Doing what I want for my future and start planning for my desires. I WANT TO START WORKING! But I do have an impulsive nature and I’ll need to meditate to keep myself centered. I forget how much I love rushing things. My new aim is to work for what I want and to also be mindful and patient with what comes my way. I am the queen of multitasking and sometimes I don’t finish things off right.

I want to be similar to Alfie Deyes, who used to barely post or be on his game and now look at him, killing the game. Getting shit done. I’ve always loved watching his videos because they inspire me. I feel weird about a white man inspiring me but… I do admire his hustle, even though it won’t come as easily to me as it does to him.

ANYWAYS! Let’s end this off with a recommendation

Stop eating dairy! I’m sitting in this Starbucks with nasty smelling farts because I decided to eat ice cream and cake (with dairy in it) for the past few days. My stomach feels like garbage and my stomach is so bloated, I look pregnant.

I was hungover for an entire day.

Hey!

Okay, so… let me explain!

I wrote in a previous post about having to “break up” with a great friend and love. At the time, I felt like I had all my shit together. I felt like dumping a friend and moving forward was super easy and I felt like I really had it but then all of a sudden sadness hit me.

I was wondering how life would be with that friend in it and moping around about hypotheticals, I’m a REALLY SAPPY bitch. The first Friday back to school, I tried “drinking my feelings”. I was screaming to the entire campus about my sadness, taking shots of vodka, tequila, rum. I gave zero fucks about the next day. I wanted to go big because my feelings were hurt.

The next day, I felt like shit. obviously.

I thought that if I hydrated then I’d feel better.

That didn’t help. I laid in bed with my head spinning and wishing it would end. I was finally able to eat by the end of the night. Then I had work the next day for five hours.

I’m only mentioning all this so that you all can see my mistake and the gravity of it so that my next moves would make sense.

While at work, I finally had time to think without my head spinning. I noted how unhealthy my actions were. For me, a child of alcoholics, I go straight to drinking when I am hurting. Especially when my feelings get her. I wallow in every bad way possible. I eat food that’s bad for me and just all around sad.

It wasn’t until I had a session with my therapist that it finally clicked in my brain why I was behaving like this.

I have issues with my self-image. My father was an abuser to my sisters and me. We were constantly told that we weren’t good enough. I feel like it stuck with me. When I have issues in my relationships where I begin to feel like I’m not good enough, I lash out and start treating myself as such. I think it’s why I have such a hard time living a healthy lifestyle, it’s because a part of me doesn’t see myself as worthy of a healthy lifestyle.

I seriously hope that because I now have a conscious thought, I can now start caring for myself the way I deserve.

The thing is, I spent years not feeling like I was good enough in moments but still forcing myself to push through and keep moving forward.

“Like so what I am missing this relationship, I still have to stick to a blogging schedule.”

Then my blogging schedule will be fucked up (as it has been), and then I will still be sad about this heartbreak and not writing up my posts.

Let me clarify. This heartache I’m feeling, I don’t take the time to be patient and gentle with myself because I would feel like I am both not good enough and “strong” enough to get through it without taking time to sort out my feelings.

When it comes to my feelings, I have this idea that these feelings will go away quickly. I feel that even discussing it with some friends, it would be too annoying to complain so these feelings should end fast.

I’m finding it more and more important to be more gentle with myself. Reminding myself of how precious I am. I want to call myself “babe” and give myself patience and love because I deserve that!

My favorite thing about this year is all that I’ve been learning about myself and all the growth that is happening. I notice how much I’ve been changing.

I am not so excited about changing how I see and handle myself. I want to be handled with care by everyone around me but it all starts with myself.

Recommendations:
Watch Doctor Who & do an MCU binge
Do your work on weekends so you can chill all weekend
Don’t drink your feelings. Just learn how to get through it. Write letters to lost loves and take a bath or something.

Feeling​ Ugly

Hello!

Lately, I’ve been feeling ugly.

I know it sounds weird but I’ve been feeling it.

Though if anyone had the freaking nerve to call me ugly, I’d argue with them and tell them I’m beautiful. But when I look in the mirror, I don’t feel it at all.

I want to be completely open about this because I feel like it’s normal to stop feeling yourself as much. I think it’s okay that this is happening even though I hate this feeling.

I finally acknowledged the feeling this summer and now that I noticed it, I know I’ve been feeling it for the past few months. I’ve been hating my look and my outfits and stress eating. I’ve felt so gross about my body and my skin. I feel like I’m missing that glow. I’ve noticed that I’m not as happy and I wake up tired all the time.

It’s really hard for my to put this out there but I want to grow.

I want to feel better about my look. I want to feel sexy and confident and feel like I can kick some ass.

I want to branch out of my comfort zone and do things that make me feel uncomfortable because I think I could gain more confidence by doing things that make me uncomfortable. I want to challenge myself by making healthier choices, eating healthy, sleeping on time, working out. I want to be healthy and happy and do everything to ensure that I become successful.

I’ve been slacking on doing what makes me happy and with taking care of myself. I’ve been letting myself eat all the gross junk foods that I see or eating whatever is easy. I really want to change that up.

I want to do what makes me happy and write more blog posts, stories and edit and upload more videos. I really want to finesse my Instagram. I want to push myself out of my comfort zone and get shit done. I want to do more excersises and eat healthier.

To start off my new lifestyle, I’m doing more yoga and I got grey hair braided in recently to give myself a whole new look. I even got a bob instead of my long hair. It makes me happy to change things up. I feel like I’m becoming a new person. I like it. I know I have so much more growth coming. I like that I am making moves towards becoming the person I want to be.

I want to bring back my weekly recommendations, so here goes:

Do Yoga with Adriene
Read Year of Yes by Shonda Rhimes
Watch Gilmore Girls and The Bold Type

Thanks for reading!

The Djenne Diet

Hello, Homies

I’ve been pescatarian-ish for the past few years. I’ve had my meat slip-ups. I have a deep love for chicken tenders, hot wings and I have cravings for a really good steak. Even though I know that meat makes my uterus throw a fit. Eating meat has turned into a form of self-harm. Copious amounts of dairy have been doing the same.

I want to quickly mention the huge stigma there is on being vegan. There are so many vegans who shame the shit out of those who eat meat and act as if going vegan is easy and that everyone should go vegan. Which is totally not true at all. I sometimes go a few weeks vegan and then I get sick or my body gets too cold because I’m a bit anemic. The thing about cutting meat out of your diet is that you’re taking some important vitamins out of your body and so, you’re not getting all the nutrients you need. For me, going vegan, I’d need to take daily supplements for me to stay healthy or finding vegan options that give the same amount of nutrients.

Because my body hates when I eat both dairy and meat, I’ve been wanting to go vegan and I reached out to my vegan friends for their tips and tricks. I’ve heard that watching one of those videos where the kill animals help but… I will not be doing that.

My issue with going fro pescatarian to vegan is creating meals that are filling and flavorful. My thing is that I like constant change in my meals and I have yet to master the art of finessing a vegan menu. I have fake chicken nuggets and tenders, I have some vegan sage sausage and bacon. I have things stocked up. While writing this, I just created an entire meal that I could eat. I think in my transition, it would benefit me if I wrote out things that I can eat every day.

This whole thing is a process and I don’t want to force myself. I ease myself out of eating seafood. Which is harder than not eating meat because I LOVE lobster and crabs and shrimp. I might just cut back on some seafood and cut out the dairy.

Also, there is something called Seagans. Vegans who eat seafood. I thought it was funny because vegans just don’t eat meat at all. You’re simply a pescatarian. I’m gonna be pescatarian until I do more research. I want to become vegan in my own way instead of following other people’s journey.

Right now, I’ll just be incorporating healthier option into my diet. more water, fruits, and vegetables! I am going out for dinner tonight but tomorrow, dinner will be either vegan mac and cheese, a salad and vegan nuggets bathed in hot wing sauce or some pasta with vegan sage sausage.

I just really needed to write it out to sort out my shit.

Thanks for reading!

Capsule Wardrobe

Hey lovelies,

So, because I travel to and from school a few times a year, I started to notice how much clothes I don’t wear. I carried bags of clothing to and from school, tiring myself when I spend most of college wearing sweatshirts and leggings.

I finally decided to throw away a bunch of the clothes I don’t wear and start creating what the cool kids call a “capsule wardrobe”.

A Capsule wardrobe is when you keep just about 40 items of clothing in your wardrobe. My difficulty is that I have so much loungewear. I learned about it from Lucy Moon. One of my favorite bloggers/youtubers. She made videos where she discusses the wardrobe( 1, 2, 3).

morelinks here

Anywho, the first step is giving them to friends and then I’m just going to send them all to charities, my family sends our clothes to a church called St. Mary’s. It’s far better to give clothes away than to throw them out.

I’m gradually becoming a minimalist. I’m throwing out so much. The less clutter, the clearer the mind.

I noticed while going through my stuff that most of my clothes are just sweatshirts and t-shirts so along with this capsule wardrobe, I want to buy some professional clothing. Button downs and chinos. Fancy flats that don’t murder my flat feet. I think the coolest thing about this is that I can still shop but for the clothes that perfectly fit my body and style instead of just impulse buying. I don’t mind having a few select pieces to wear. Neutral tones and clothes that compliment my body.

I’m really excited to start it all. I just need to be mindful of the clothes in my closet and stop keeping shit just for the memory. My aim is to have a wardrobe full of complimentary clothes that are representative of the person I am now. I’m really digging this. I plan on getting my sister to join me on this journey and to keep updates! Look out!

Thanks for reading!

 

 

 

 

Change

Hey!

I want to have a media platform that shows my complete honesty. I want to be open with my audience and always tell you what’s up.

So, let’s begin.

School has been a constant stress for me, at least all the dull public schools and now dull community college that I’ve been to. I see potential in school, I think it can be fun but so far, all my experiences have been dull and dry. School has been something that sucked the fun out of me. I hoped that going to college would change that for me but my college sucked me so dry that I lost my energy, my drive, I got lazy and I didn’t find the joy in the thing I loved. I loved writing, making videos, singing and dancing, playing video games, binge-watching shows and reading. Though I was able to do some of those things, It was done half-assed because I just was not feeling it.

I’ve taken time from school and I’m currently on my break, I went to my doctor a week after I took my time off and she told me that I was depressed. That shocked me to my core, I knew these things happen to people and I knew it happened to me before but that really hit me into reality. I realized I was back in that place I was a few years back.

My doctor prescribed me some medication and I figured this depression would go away quickly but, I am still working my way out of this. I’m still trying to figure everything out, to get my footing and get this grey blob out of my body. To bring back the sunshine I used to feel.

I’ve decided to give myself projects and I’d like to share them with you (They aren’t in any particular order):

Project Blog:
As much as I’d love to get back into the bookish world and start doing reviews and making videos and all the fun stuff, I don’t have it in me yet. I may not have that yet but I do have stories. I started this writing program called Gotham Writers. They aren’t free, just a heads up. I’m taking a creative writing course and we should be having some writing done every week that I’d like to post here after I get the corrections from my teacher. I’d also like to post short stories that I’ve been working on but haven’t shared with anyone. I think it would be beneficial for me to keep writing. My mind has always been filled with stories and here is my outlet.
I’d also like to start working on my photography. I’ve always loved photography. I want to produce more of what I enjoy.

Project YouTube:
I really want my channel to grow but I feel like it would grow more if I grow more with my creativity for the channel. There are many YouTubers that I truly enjoy watching for their artsy videos. I’d like to channel that into my channel.I’d like to grow so I’m taking time from my youtube channel to see how I can grow.

Project Fitness:
Eating more fruits and veggies, drinking water, doing yoga, going to the gym. I hear that helps with depression and getting a hot ass body. I came from the gym today now I’m in a cafe. Getting a change in my environment is helping me to get stuff done and also getting me broke.

Those three are what I’m trying to focus on. I also want to start brightening my work with brighter clothes. I didn’t want to leave my house today because my outfit was completely grey. I felt so uncomfortable in it. I want to brighten my world again and it’ll happen one step at a time. I’m trying to be positive and stop stressing about certain things or thinking that I’m so weird that this is happening to me. I’m trying. I really am. I just need to stop pressuring myself. Things take time.