I think of love as a tentative thing pt 2.

(count how many times i wrote love in this thing… SHEESH)

One of my hyper-focuses in life has been love.

It’s something I spend so much of my time wondering and questioning.

Growing up in a home where i felt like i had to fight all the time to be seen, I found myself being pulled to love theories and stories.

Being loved unconditionally is something i never thought i’d get. I couldnt see how anyone could love me like that. without me having to do anything to keep them around.

What is love?

How do you get it?

What do you do when you get it?

Whenever I think too deeply about it, I panic and I have been trying to figure out why. It feel like a foreign concept to have someone to love or to love someone. Even when I do fall in love, i wonder if i have things all fucked up. like maybe it isn’t love and it’s just a stomach bug or hormones.

I often see it as something I have never done and see it as something unattainable when in reality, I spend every single day of my life giving love to people and getting love in return but whenever it slaps me in the face, I am so confused.

Like you mean to tell me that the person who I spend an entire week adoring and them adoring me in return is love?

You mean to tell me that love isn’t something I need to fight and cry about— it’s just there? Ready and waiting whenever I reach out for it??

Working at this silly little stressful job of mine, I realize that I am oh so lovable. We spend our shifts checking in on each other and supporting each other. I found a place where people will let me lean on them and I let them lean on me in return. I love the people here. I have learned so much from them.

Over the years, I have learned that love doesn’t come with price tags.

My parents taught me that if I do anything with love, it has to come with something. I need to be more or be kinder to get love and then even so, I still need to be guarded. I still need to protect myself from someone.

Point is, I was raised to not be vulnerable and I wish that I was. I wish it were easier to feel comfortable letting people in. It’s like they get in and then I get surprised that they’re there and I panic that I am doing something wrong. I wonder if I can keep them there. Can I keep them stimulated? Will they still love me all the way through and what can I do to make them stay?

I wrote a poem about love and how tentative I feel like it is. I often feel like love is so hard for me to keep going. I think people will leave me after a while even though I know it’s not true. Even though I get proven wrong every time, that feeling still comes up and I am not sure how to deal with it.

I sometimes feel like my soft heart is wrong. that my caring about things and people makes me naive. Vulnerability is scary but theres also so much joy on the other side of it. Life is about the loving relationships you make along the way and as scary as it always is, I refuse to hide myself away.