Hello and welcome to my blog!
I haven’t written in a long while and I would love to pretend like I have a reason other than being exhausted but I don’t. I am bone tired!
This year has been hit after hit and I know the universe or God was testing me. They threw anything and everything into the ring to see how I would react.
I got hit with my abandonment issues, fear of rejection, body dysphoria, physical and emotional abuse, manipulation. All the things I thought I’d gotten over or at least healed enough from it.
I had thought I was on the other side of the hurt and the loss I’ve experienced but NOPE!
My bubble was popped and this is the first year ever where I cried multiple times every single week.
I had my heart broken, I loss pounds due to stress and not eating, I had a few very memorable sexual experiences, I discovered yet again how loved and cared for I am by the people around me. I even got disappointed by my family for the millionth time.
I think this year I have learned to stop accepting so much less than I deserve. I have a desire to listen and help people whenever I can but they instinct often bites me in the ass. I hate seeing people struggle and I always run forward to help but I need to accept that I can’t always help. I also can’t make people love me the way I deserve. I am learning how to let go or what I hope would happen and accept how it is.
Coming to accept that has been hard and led to a ton more tears and nights full of heartache.
It started when I realized that my older sisters would always prioritize my father and abuser over me. My older sisters were apart of my foundation and now that I don’t have then in them, I felt lost and abandoned. Around that time, I wondered if the people who raised me and knew me my whole life couldn’t love me then clearly, I was unlovable. I understood why people didn’t like me because I had to be horrible. On the one hand, I can understand seeing your father grow old and get sicker and how heartbreaking that must be but pushing aside your younger siblings who have been harmed is something I cannot forgive.
A book that helped me understand and process those feelings was Be Not Afraid of Love: Lessons on Fear, Intimacy, and Connection by Mimi Zhu.
I had a really shitty time having feelings for a friend who was emotionally unavailable and had really crappy communication skills. Though I fully understand why they communication skills sucked– that didn’t stop the hurt I’d experienced.
(that is all I will be saying on the matter)
Books that helped:
The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity & Love by Bell Hooks
Attached by Amir Lee & Rachel Heller
One of my main problems this year is working so hard trying to be the person that people like. I have built myself up to be this smiley loving person who is there for everyone whenever they need. I thought that was how people showed love.
It’s what I wanted in love– I wanted to feel like I had someone who would be patient and loving with me. I always felt like I was too much for people to deal with and this year I realized how much I minimized myself and my feelings in the hopes that I would get the care that I’ve always wanted. I was looking for that care in people who didn’t care about themselves and actually could not give me that love in return. My family is full of people who have been harmed and have never processed any of that pain. We have not been accustomed to be complete and loving with each other and as much as I wish we could be that family… we are not.
As much as I wished that friend would have been there for me… they could not.
What I am working on now is accepting myself and allowing myself to love and express myself the way I need and moving away from people who make me feel like I need to be smaller to be loved.
Book that made me feel back to normal:
Throne of Glass Series by Sarah J. Maas
Before the Coffee Gets Cold by Toshikazu Kawaguchi
The Burnout by Sophie Kinsella
Zora Books Her Happy Ever After by Taj Mccoy
You know what the fuck my problem is??? I let outside forces dictate what I do in my life because it’s too hard to make my own choices sometimes… Zoinks.
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