I sobbed last night.
I tend to have these nights where all of the big sad just piles up.
The mounds and mounds of pain that get bottled up just pour out
It’s usually the same weight in me.
It’s the thought that no one wants me.
That I am an unwanted person who no one wants around
It’s not true.
I know it isn’t
I am loved and cared for by so many amazing people and will be loved and cared for by many more in my lifetime
I am a gentle person
With a huge heart I still feels that deep down I am unlovable
I’ve seen myself as unloveable because I’ve been hurt and no one has shown me the romantic head-over-heels love that I deserve
But I realized the other day
It’s because I’ve fallen for cowards
I’ve fallen for people who refuse to admit— even to themselves that they’ve fucked up.
I’ve fallen for people who can’t give without receiving something in return
I’ve fallen for people who see love as currency
As something they can lie, steal and cheat to get.
They think “if I tell you that I love you and messed up… what does that give me?”
But when has to love ever given us anything that substantial.
Loving is to give.
Love expects nothing but love.
Nothing but openness
I’ve loved people who refuse to love me in full
But it isn’t because of me.
You can’t love with your heart closed,
You can’t love without being cut open
You can’t love without willing to sob in the middle of the night
Then make plans to confront your demons
Love is blunt
Love is wild
Love gut punches
And until you’re ready to deal with that
Maybe we shouldn’t be in love
Maybe we don’t deserve love
Maybe we can’t handle love
But maybe that’s just fear talking
Because I know I can be a coward too
I will refuse to be vulnerable
I will refuse to be blunt
I will refuse to share how I feel
To tell the man I like that I think he’s beautiful and amazing and share just how much I want to date him
I hate being rejected
I hate feeling unwanted
But who doesn’t?
If I want love— it requires feeling unwanted or rejected. It requires that bad because there can be so so much good.
I’ve learned that I am not unlovable.
I am just scared to love the right person so I choose to love people who can’t love me.
I am scared to live my dreams
I am scared to live a happy life
I am scared to have everything I want because if I do— what if it gets taken away.
what if I cherish someone or something so deeply and then it’s just gone?
But then again— what if I don’t. What if I never finish my book, I never move out, I never get to love fully and be loved the same in return.
I could live my entire life not enjoying a single second
I could be like my parents and just never reach any of my dreams and be old and unhappy
I can choose to move with love and just be open and accepting.
I can let myself get hurt and still choose love
I can get rejected and still choose love
I can hurt– I can sob– I can think yet again that I am unloveable and still accept that I am in fact someone wort loveable.
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