ghost.| written July 10, 2019

He appeared as a ghost

It wasn’t supposed to happen

It was supposed to be different

We were planning a future

We were healing

I was changing and growing

I thought it would be better now

But he appeared as a ghost

2:52am

In my doorway.

Questioning the whereabouts of his wine

Trying to prove he is in power

Waking us all up at 3am

Trying to let us know that he bought this wine for us all to share as a family knowing we have been half of a family for years

We all have hatred and fear in our hearts because of him and his drinking. Because we don’t know if this is the day he’ll beat us up

Or is this the day he’ll be our father.

Years of therapy 

Years of being with the wrong men

Years or missed graduations

Years of lies

Years of never taking any accountability to ruining this family

And now I’m here again. 

The ghost rolled in at 2:52 am.

The ghost of the father I was willing to love again

The ghost of the man who should have made me feel valuable but instead told me I was never good enough, ugly, stupid, difficult

The man who made me feel unworthy and unlovable.

The man who I thought died

Came in like a ghost at 2:52 am

Wanting the wine he bought and we hid for our safety

The wine we hid to protect ourselves

To try and avoid the yelling and the hitting.

The last time he drank, he made advances to a young women he took in and raised after her father hurt her in the same way.

That night, I discovered a new version of my father.

I’ve known the drunk and angry father and the sober and thoughtful father. That night, I learned about the devil within my father that I always hoped didn’t exist.

I spent a year with a sober father. 

The devil in my father put him in jail. 

We hoped this call would wake him up.

Make him realize the hurt he’s been doing

Make him see the pain he’s put on us

That year gave us breathing room. 

I graduated, I was happy. I was healing. I was growing. I was learning. I was relaxing.

But then I saw the ghost of my father.

In my doorway.

Asking for his wine

At 2:52 in the morning

I couldn’t sleep that night. 

Before or after his appearance.

I thought he’d come for me.

I thought the devil would come out.

I thought he’s hell and fight

He did none of that but his ghost made me relive it all

Made me get choked at 13 and 14

Made me feel like I had no control 

Made me sob

Made me feel defenseless

Made me feel alone 

Made me feel unwanted

Made me feel abandoned

Made me feel unsafe again

That ghost shook me to my core 

I know the haunting has begun again

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