He appeared as a ghost
It wasn’t supposed to happen
It was supposed to be different
We were planning a future
We were healing
I was changing and growing
I thought it would be better now
But he appeared as a ghost
In my doorway.
Questioning the whereabouts of his wine
Trying to prove he is in power
Waking us all up at 3am
Trying to let us know that he bought this wine for us all to share as a family knowing we have been half of a family for years
We all have hatred and fear in our hearts because of him and his drinking. Because we don’t know if this is the day he’ll beat us up
Or is this the day he’ll be our father.
Years of therapy
Years of being with the wrong men
Years or missed graduations
Years of lies
Years of never taking any accountability to ruining this family
And now I’m here again.
The ghost rolled in at 2:52 am.
The ghost of the father I was willing to love again
The ghost of the man who should have made me feel valuable but instead told me I was never good enough, ugly, stupid, difficult
The man who made me feel unworthy and unlovable.
The man who I thought died
Came in like a ghost at 2:52 am
Wanting the wine he bought and we hid for our safety
The wine we hid to protect ourselves
To try and avoid the yelling and the hitting.
The last time he drank, he made advances to a young women he took in and raised after her father hurt her in the same way.
That night, I discovered a new version of my father.
I’ve known the drunk and angry father and the sober and thoughtful father. That night, I learned about the devil within my father that I always hoped didn’t exist.
I spent a year with a sober father.
The devil in my father put him in jail.
We hoped this call would wake him up.
Make him realize the hurt he’s been doing
Make him see the pain he’s put on us
That year gave us breathing room.
I graduated, I was happy. I was healing. I was growing. I was learning. I was relaxing.
But then I saw the ghost of my father.
In my doorway.
Asking for his wine
At 2:52 in the morning
I couldn’t sleep that night.
Before or after his appearance.
I thought he’d come for me.
I thought the devil would come out.
I thought he’s hell and fight
He did none of that but his ghost made me relive it all
Made me get choked at 13 and 14
Made me feel like I had no control
Made me sob
Made me feel defenseless
Made me feel alone
Made me feel unwanted
Made me feel abandoned
Made me feel unsafe again
That ghost shook me to my core
I know the haunting has begun again