It’s been six months since my dad died.
I came to the awareness last week and thinking of everything that has happened within these few months. Even having people ask if I’m “still” not okay after losing my dad.
It’s only been six months.
With these months of grief, I wanted to offer ways to help support those who are grieving and also sharing what has helped me.
My dad passed unexpectedly. I was at a new job and on my day one of training when I looked at my phone and saw that my dad was in the hospital. I rushed home and within that week he was gone.
My loved ones did everything they could to help. The most helpful things I experienced were having a friend bring over groceries, make my family food and having a friend come over and chat and sit with me as I cleaned, vented and cried. I realize now that while grieving my dad, all I wanted was to be taken care of. I felt so small and alone and being taken care of made me feel like I was still… here.
Two friends made sure my family was fed by making us all food and even being kind enough to fix up vegan options for us. Another friend bought groceries for me to either cook or heat up which was thoughtful because at that time, I didn’t know what kind of grieving I was doing. Did I want to lay in bed and do nothing or was the grief going to pull me into being more active than I needed to be. I spent the first few weeks cooking and cleaning non stop so those groceries were exactly what I needed.
I realized that while grieving, all I needed was ways to make things easier. To make things hurt less. I found myself thinking that I was making a meal for the first time without my dad around or going on a trip without him calling.
One friend made a gofundme so that I could take time off from work. My job only offered five paid days of bereavement. I used all of my paid time off and after two weeks, I had to go back to work. The gofundme made it so that I didn’t have to worry about paying rent that month— and I am so grateful for everyone who donated.
I remember being in the hospital with my sister and us saying that nothing will be the same— and it hasn’t been and never will be. Everything in my life has been changed forever and for a while I tried forcing myself to be social again. I thought if I didn’t make myself go out with my friends then they would stop wanting to spend time with me or being around me because I was too sad. When I realized some friends planned events without me and without saying things, I felt like now that something in me was broken, they no longer wanted me.
One thing I will say, still invite the grieving friend out. Even if they usually say no. When the lack of invites start happening, it brings more isolation and hurting that doesn’t need to happen.
I remember wishing I had someone who would bring me out. I wanted to just go on a walk with someone or the gym or pilates. I wanted someone to plan a get away trip to take me out of my funk. I didn’t know how to ask for what I wanted. I didn’t want to be a burden on anyone and I know that may just be an isolated issue just for me but planning something low energy to pull your loved one out of their funk is so helpful.
I wished people would stop saying” if you need anything, let me know” because I have never experienced this loss. I don’t know what I need but I do know that having everyone leave everything to me sucked.
Points made during this post:
- Buy them groceries
- Meal prep for them
- Quality time indoors/outdoors
- Plan things for them/take things off their plate. Acts of service. Depression happens and it’s hard getting things done sometimes
- Stop relying on them to know what they need. This is a new experience. There is no manual!!!
- Go on a walk with them or class if they’re up for it.
- Give comfort. Let them speak
- Keep inviting them to things even if they don’t show. Not getting invited feels horrible.
I guess, I’ll be onto the next six months without him…
Leave a comment